Eight Steps from the Experts on Handling the Holidays when Your Marriage No Longer Feels Like a “Gift”
Thinking about shopping lists, presents, parties, and…divorce? Holidays are usually a time for reconnecting, but if you are married — and not so happily — seasonal preparations can put major strain on relationships that are already teetering on the brink. And, according to a Huffington Post Divorce article,* “January has the most legal breakups.” So: How do you celebrate the holidays when you don’t think your marriage will make it?
According to Ginita Wall and Candace Bahr, two top Certified Divorce Financial Analysts and nationally recognized wealth and divorce experts, keeping emotions in check is key – and, getting clear on your options. Wall is also a forensic accountant, CPA and CFP®; Bahr is also a CEA, and co-founder of Bahr Investment Group. The pair co-founded the Women’s Institute for Financial Education (WIFE.org) twenty-eight years ago, launching critically acclaimed “Second Saturday Divorce Workshops for Women,” the longest-running program of its kind. Second Saturday is a three-part seminar that offers essential, non-biased financial, legal and emotional information to individuals in any stage of “untying the knot” – even during the holidays.
- Find a Second Saturday near you.
Knowledge is empowerment – an understanding of available resources and steps you can take if you decide to call it quits will help keep your emotions in check – and, offer you hope for the future. Visit SecondSaturday.com to find a Second Saturday in your area. New workshops are being added weekly so be sure to check back for updates.
- Ask for help from friends and family.
If it looks like getting divorced will be one of your New Year’s resolutions, but you and your spouse are still together, you may want to confide your situation to a friend or family member. But limit what you share to just one or two people. If you blab to everyone, your spouse could hear of it, your marriage will suffer even more, and your holiday will explode into ruin for everyone – especially if you have children.
- Curb holiday spending.
Heading into divorce deeply in debt complicates everything, so don’t drown your guilt or sorrow in shopping. This may not be the most picture-perfect memorable holiday season, and that’s okay. Right now, you are just getting through a difficult time – one that will pass.
- Lighten up your expectations.
Holidays are about getting together, but divorce is about breaking up. Get through this pressure-packed time of year by focusing on others. Maintain a gracious spirit and be grateful for all of the good things you have – there are still a lot! Consider what’s most important to yourself and your family, and pare celebrations down to just those things.
- Don’t let marital storms destroy your joy.
Think of your marital problems the same way you would a big snowstorm during the holidays. You might have to change your plans a bit, re-arrange schedules and deal with some unpleasantness. But you can still figure out ways to celebrate without the storms derailing your holiday. Find and share every little joy you can this holiday season.
- Don’t squabble with your spouse.
It’s very easy to let emotions overcome you during the holidays. If you act in anger now, you may ruin your chances to get to a peaceful divorce settlement in the New Year. And, fighting in front of the kids is never a good idea. Children learn what they see at home, and they will take to heart things you say in anger.
- Take care of yourself.
There is only one “you,” and you are deserving of love. Whether it’s a hot bath, some favorite music, connecting with nature or simple downtime, be sure to remember self-care. Not only will you alleviate stress, you will set some new standards for the New Year – and, the new “you.”
- Take your time.
When the holidays draw to a close, don’t rush headlong into divorce. Take as much time to plan your divorce strategy as you devoted to shopping and decorating for the holidays – this preparation will pay off for an entire lifetime, instead of just one season.