The Benefits of Being Married Ten Years

QuestionThe Benefits of Being Married Ten YearsMy nine-year marriage has been rocky for quite some time, and my husband and I periodically talk about divorce. A friend told me I should stick it out a while longer since there are benefits to being married ten years or longer. What are those benefits?

Answer In some states, such as California, in a marriage of ten years or longer the court retains he right to order that alimony be paid to the lesser-earning spouse for as long as she needs it, if the other spouse has the ability to pay. If you do not know the rules in your state, you could unintentionally lose your right to alimony.

For instance, you and your spouse might negotiate a fixed amount of alimony for a set period. If your settlement agreement designates that the alimony is non-modifiable, the court will not retain the right to extend alimony beyond the time specified, even if your marriage was longer than ten years.

Similarly, you and your spouse may include a mutual waiver of alimony in your divorce agreement. If you waive your right to alimony, you can’t get it back, even if your marriage lasted over ten years.

A ten-year marriage is also considered to be a long-term marriage by the Social Security Administration.

If you were married for ten years of longer, you will be eligible to collect derivative Social Security benefits based on your ex-spouse’s earnings record when you reach retirement age (if you aren’t married to someone else at the time).

Those derivative benefits are equal to one-half the amount your former spouse is eligible to collect, based on his earnings over his entire career, including the year after your marriage was dissolved.

If you are divorcing a person with great future earnings potential, consider sticking it out a little longer or delay finalizing the divorce until after the ten-year mark.

Ten years is also important if your spouse is in the military and will be eligible for retirement pay. If you were married for at least ten years while he was on active duty, you will qualify for direct enforcement, which means your portion of retirement pay will be paid directly to you by the military finance office.

Comments

  1. i retired and got married years after i retired we have been married for 11 yesrs i brought my home in 1999 she want me to pay her almony and she want the house i pay for it with my retirement what do i need to know she dosent put amy money in that account

    • Bobbi Kegal says:

      Now my situation is very different. I have been on SSD (Disability from gov’t from what I earned) due to severe arthritis, severe colitis, and severe anxiety disorder. I’m actually getting my friend to type this for me. My husband retired a few months ago with NOTHING. He pooped all his severance on pay day loans, bought things he didn’t really need and also has severe arthritis in his feet, and other problems, so it’s all legal here folks. I just want to know if I have been on Disability for about 5 years and he’s been on for 1 month pulling in 1800 per month. I only get like 800! He is weak, has severe hoarding problems, spends money he does not have and barely is making the rent. I want to divorce him, but want alimony, only enough to get a small place for myself, the rest I can handle! How do I do that? If we are BOTH on Disability, the same Gov’t one, that’s so hard to get and that we both earned from working. Any suggestions?

      • If his income is $1800 and yours is $800, then it is likely you’ll be entitled to a little support But the laws differ from state to state, so see if there is someone at the courthouse who can explain the rules to you, or research them online.

      • Please help me I just wrote u a 3 page reply gone don’t know what just happened. I need ur knowledge please. May God bless you and my god can I relate to what you are going through and the pain u endure every second of ur like. Please email me so we can talk. I need to get permanent lifetime alimony. Wss told bu one lawyer I can. My current lawyer im nt sure known all laws on this. I look forward to speaking with you and helping u with anything I can. Ty reneice

      • My husband of nearly ten years, although we lived together for five years before that has become a verbally abusive terrible man hat ridicules me on all occasions, threatens me not to start with him, or “get him started”. I was in graduate school when we met but began having seizures then a life threatening back disability, although I think I would like o try a part time job as I will finish my master’s after I am rid of him, He laughs at me and says, “Have fun in the poor house”, and we have autistic twins that belong in our home with me. I want him to have al the visitation the law allows and some holidays and his input on everything but my life.
        The problem is I live In WA. state which is NOT a financially great state after divorce for a woman. By the way,, he ears over 200 K a year.
        He never wanted me to work as my salary he did not feel warranted me having too with this back and leg disability which I never applied for since he is so wealthy. Should I now.

        Please tell me what to do next. I made or will the ten year mark of marriage but not more than that. He just wants a fight and I want it to be calm for the boys and us. But this state just recognizes a “breakdown of marriage” and does not care that he verbally abuses me or never ever ever wants sex for years, nothing. I want to know what to do to get the most for as long as I can since I made our life together.

        • Your next step is to talk to an attorney who can advise you about your rights in Washington. And a therapist who can help you make the decision of whether to stay or go.

        • Go to see an attorney to find out your rights, and a therapist to help you figure out what to do.

        • Delories Mixon says:

          All of the SS is federal dear. You have no need to worry about how much you earned or how many times your ex has been married. The key number is 10. When you have been married to one single man for at least 10 years you are entitled to 50% of his lifetime wages divided in monthly rates. If another person comes along and is married to the same person for 10 years it doesn’t affect you one way or the other.. The only thing you should concern yourself with is when you began to collect the social security income. The earliest a spouse can collect is age 62. Now if you collect at age 62 you will only collect 70% of 50% if you began at age 63 it will be 80% of 50 % If you collect at age 64 it will be 90 % of 50 % and finally if you start collecting your spouses SSI you will collect the full 50 % of your spouse/exspouse’s Social Security Income retirement check. in any state. This is a federal program. Now divorce and estate is another matter which is in the states hands…I know very little about this.

        • Zora-

          Sounds like a ‘breakdown of marriage” as you say is necessary for divorce. If you divorce him, you will get about 6% of his income for the children. (If you are going to be the main custodian)

          This means, that money pays for the children’s needs. Roof over their heads, childcare if needed (tho you don’t work so) food, clothes, insurance etc… He will need to pay half.

          Add up the bills– If you aren’t going to work outside the home, then the money will need to pay you as well for childcare–1/2 the cost.

          Courts aren’t going to care about what you ‘tried to do” what opportunities you gave up, that he didn’t want you to work, yada yada.

          He will be responsible to 1/2 the cost of taking care of the children. And if you are going to be the caretaker, and custodian, he will be responsible for 1/2 that cost as well.

      • Bobby Kegel: He gets much more SS Disability income because he paid in more. It’s a percentage. He either made more money, or paid in much longer.

        If you are entitled to alimony- then he would pay you $100.00 per month. Allow me to explain. His standard of living is $1,800.00. You are asking for him to pay you an amount that would be 1/2 his standard of living.

        That’s $900.00.. His ‘income” and your “income” — they look at your standard of living, and bump you up to 1/2 of his. He does not have to give you 1/2 of his WHOLE standard of living, because he earned it. If you are asking for alimony, then they will most likely see that you are entitled to be 1/2 of what he is bringing in. Then they will minus your disability.

        Disability is usually lower than retired Social security. You say he ‘retired” a month ago–but you collect disability. You can most likely get $100 per month

  2. I only earn about 900.00 a month. I have Fibro. Can I get alimony 4 life and how do I do this?

    • Alimony is in accordance with the laws of your state, so consult with an attorney to find out how it works in your state and the procedure for securing it. In some jurisdictions, there is a facilitator at the courthouse who can help you with the paperwork.

    • Johnny Cage says:

      We got it you have fibro. that sucks. But instead of looking for your ex to pay you alimony for the rest of your life how about you grow up stop feeling sorry for yourself and try and find a job that pays more than 900 a month and try and take care of your own self. Stop looking for free hand outs from some poor guy that’s working hard for HIS money

      • of course this is coming from a man AKA Johnny!! Funny you would reply with your comments when you don’t even know the entire situation… You assume that her 900.00 comes from a job and you obviously know nothing about fibro… you idiot!!! You must be a resentful, scorned ex husband whose wife took him for everything. If this is the case… Good for her with your attitude!!!

        Kandy, depending on which state you live in and their laws you could possibly receive alimony for life with a disability such as yours. It’s definitely worth looking into.

        • S Anderson says:

          I agree with Mr. Cage. So she begged some doc to put her on disability, I’m guessing? Fibromyalgia is often secret code for “I hurt all over because I don’t like myself and I want attention.” Many health professionals doubt its very existence. The overwhelming incidence in females and attendant cross-comorbidities with mental illness is very curious, indeed. Nonetheless, perhaps she wouldn’t be so emboldened to whine to the thousands of Americans actually WORKING with far worse disabilities. If she can fix a meal and watch T.V. there’s probably a sedentary job she can perform and at least try to be a somewhat productive member of society. She can obviously work a computer keyboard quite well as evidenced from this thread. In case she missed the memo, lots of folks make a living working the keyboard these days. (you know, that Internet thing that Al Gore invented). But maybe I’m just a tad bit too optimistic. I can’t verify it, but I’m fairly certain even Apple founder Steve Jobs worked with terminal pancreatic cancer. I’m sure there’s something about her case or genetic makeup that’s “special,” of course.

          Instead of selling herself short, however, perhaps this individual should get the help she really needs (other than a handout from the ex) and get back into the work force, or at least some type of vocational rehab/retraining. No matter how bad this person’s situation, I will bet lots of $$$ that I can give you an example of someone who has it worse that is actually trying to be part of the SOLUTION and working. Instead of devoting so much time trying to plot the ex into financial ruin (which must take an incredible amount of negative energy), why not stop working the system so hard and, actually, well…WORK for real? By the way, not all of us are disgruntled men who got taken to the cleaners. I’m a male and took my ex to task quite well (thank you very much) because I was keen enough to pick up on her nearly perfectly executed plot ahead of time and was VERY patient with a broken family court system.

          One of my life’s goals is getting the word out to other men about these gold diggers and their strategic divorce planning almost from the moment they say “I do.” Cases like this tie up the legal system for years and are now, quite properly, an epidemic. They should make us, collectively, nauseated. I’ve talked to a lot of men about their divorces, and none of them spoke to me about plotting for financial gain during the process. For some reason, women seem to be particularly clever at this game-but the game is changing and men are learning. Ladies, please put away your aprons: it’s no longer the 1950′s. You’re equal. I know that. Thousands of successful AND disabled women also know that. Do you?

          Would love your feedback.

          P.S. I’d write more, but this disabled writer needs to go to work in the morning.

          • Brattney Spires says:

            Excellent reply. I am a MOM of 3 adult kids, whose husband died while they were teenagers. I got virtually nothing from Soc. Sec. for them, $86 a month each. No insurance, no savings or investments. Nothing. I was on my own with 3 dependents. I didn’t have time to whine or have a pity party. I went to work. I worked as a truck driver because that’s what I could get to earn what i needed to support my family. I heard many derogatory remarks from male drivers, and I heard many of them complain about their wives, or that they had to pay child support. It was hard work, and I was alone. And I missed my kids. But we kept the bills paid & food on the table. I was proud of my family. What we did, we did without a handout.

            Now I am married to a man who must pay lifetime alimony to a woman with whom he had no children. His ex had multiple affairs during their marriage, and is on disability. She had hip replacement surgery (shouldn’t that have FIXED the problem?). She lives with a boyfriend,and drives all over the country side to visit friends & family, go on excursions with her boyfriend, etc. She also spends many hours on the computer every day, so she COULD hold a job. In fact, the way she harasses my husband, we think she would make an excellent bill collector.

            Beyond all of this, she has implied that I should be helping to pay her alimony. In fact, although I don’t like it, my income is used to help pay, otherwise, she wouldn’t get it. I had nothing to do with her failed marriage. I didn’t even meet my husband until after they had divorced. So why am I liable for her alimony? Why is either of us indebted to her? This is wrong!

            She refused to even try to work while they were together. Now, she feels like it’s owed to her.I am so disgusted by all of this, I can’t see straight!

          • Tropicalparadise says:

            S Anderson
            For your information, it is not equal.
            Men still make more doing the same job as women.
            Women are expected to take care of the house plus work.
            You men are the complainers.
            No big surprise I’m not a man, pointing it out does not mean
            You are intelligent.

          • I totally agree. My boyfriend is going through a divorce and his wife had her previous employer who happens to be her doctor state she is totally disabled. She has been terminated after 19 years of employment and SSD is pending. Highly unlikely she will receive SSD because she is asble body and not totally disabled. She has exaggerated her symptoms. He now has to pay alimony until trial. She is lazy.

          • You ignoramus, arrogant, full of yourself, self made S.O.B. Do you know anything about Fibromyalgia and how it can affect one’s entire body? Widespread body pain….that means one hurts all over! One can hurt from the top of one’s head to the bottoms of one’s feet! How do I know? Because I have had it since 1994. Along with it, I also have arthritis, bursitis, costocondritis, degenerative disks from my neck, and my whole spine! I could add so many more issues of pain, but I won’t, that is a good start. My DIL told me to “get over it”, and she is a registered nurse who will go to bed with a headache! No! I have not worked since 1996. 100% disabled. That includes the “mental state”. At the time I was 50 years old, almost unheard of to get on disability. Also, it can be hereditary. I have a first Cousin who was accepted for disability a month after seeing her Dr. We are not sure how many other family members may have had fibro, they are deceased. I was far from being a lazy woman, am not lazy now, just have to pace my activities, which bothers me greatly at times, because I miss “Me”! I miss so much of my “normal” life, but have accepted a great deal because I have no choice. Read about fibro, inform yourself, and pray to God you, your child, or anyone you know is not diagnosed with this. Yes! there are worse things to have, I pray God only gives me what I can bear.

        • Concerned Person says:

          Ms. LLruss,

          Make hay while the sun shines… right?

          Hope you have a son as a child. And hope he gets a bad wife.

          Let’s talk then.

      • Bridgette says:

        Your an ignorant idiot. I’d like to say that to you when you gave someone their children (their only lasting legacy), dropped out of the workforce so you could cook dinner, do laundry and take care of everyone else.
        . Women who have dropped out of the workforce, can not usually go back after 10 years and make a livable wage. Suck it up loser. You didn’t mind when she cooked, cleaned, gave you sex and put up with most likely horrible in laws. You should have stayed single, been lonely and taken care of yourself!

        • Entitlement mentality at its worst. FYI, I brought home the bacon, cooked it, did the dishes, and then the laundry, raised a child while She was off in her own internet world, spending thousands on crap… and then she met a fella. Im still paying her way 3 years later, and living in the same house. shoot me now! By the time I actually recieve a decree, I will be ruined in every way. But thats okay, because I am an evil producer of honest goods and or sevices, and was horribly responsible. Got exactly what I deserve. This country is cooked a dozen diferent ways, this is just one of them. Lets give the people who should be run out of town, more rights than the people who make the town run.

        • Yet another excellent reason to despise perpetually scheming and conniving American “women.” Keep in mind how hard women try to get custody in order to receive child support and avoid paying it. ALL females are whiny bums who believe they are automatically “entitled” to steal anything a man has worked his entire life to accumulate. I have learned that ALL females are pathological liars, therefore I do not hire attorneys, I employ “other professionals” to take care of business…

          • John Adams, I feel sorry for you. Not all women are not the same and I worked and supported our 3 children while my husband was out of work after he left the Military (honorable discharged of course). I don’t need a man to support me as I can do that for myself. Most men who are mistreated, know what kind of women they were getting involved with anyway just blindsided by her beauty/body. A lot of you get what you deserve. You can tell a gold digger, she won’t hide it. Guys should be more careful in the women they choose instead of always blaming the woman for taking everything you have, blame yourself for getting involved with such a person.

          • ACTUALLY I AM A EDUCATED, RESPONSIBLE MOTHER OF FOUR. I WAS MARRIED OR 19 YEARS TO A CRAZY SOB WHO LOST MY HOME, MUTUAL FUNDS, HOME SELLS GAINS, AND FORCED TO FILE BK BECAUSE I WAS BEING SUED DUE TO HIS INABILITY TO PAY OFF SECOND FOR HIS SO SO SO LUCRATIVE BUISNESS. I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO KEEP MY RETIRMENT BUT MY LOOSER SOON TO BE X THINGS HE SHOULD HET HALS . WHAT CAN I DO TO STOP THIS. I HAVE HAD TO USE SOME TO SUPPORT MY HOUSEHOLD AND CHILDREN DUE TO LAYOFF.

          • Seek legal help immediately to see what your options are under the laws of your state.

          • Concerned Person says:

            Mary,

            Do you have a son? Please try to keep him away from beauty/body. Else your opinion might change

          • Tavo the Wise says:

            Not all Women are bad people. some woman actually need the extra help. the prase above kinda comes out offensive because the wife is staying with him til its a Ten year marrige just for the sake of her getting money. some wifes need the extra dough but remember that not all woman are the same. some will just sit it out to get extra money to goof off or get back at the Ex Husband. please keep these things in mind while you comment to eachother, John. not all woman are seeking money to be “Female Dogs” some just need it to get their life back together, and as for the other people offending Johny boy um… he has probably had a bad past D: so please stop the hate and let the Legal process flow through you.

          • Mr. Adams……who believes there’s excellent reason to despise perpetually scheming and conniving “American” “women.” who work hard to get custody to receive support and avoid paying it. “ALL females” are whiny bums who believe they are automatically “entitled” to “STEAL” anything a man has worked his entire life to accumulate, you’ve “learned” ALL females are pathological liars.

            You lack many things on to many levels, that I know with excellent reason. You are not a man who likes women, clearly you have no appreciation for females in general and I highly doubt you’ve ever had or will have a successful relationship with a female or woman. When a man and woman enter into a marital relationship, to live as husband and wife under the covenant of marriage, she has every right to believe she’s automatically “entitled” and believe in the laws in place to protect her share of community interest she is legally entitled to by law, she cannot “STEAL” what is half hers by law and everything he’s worked for his entire life he offered to her and gave of himself freely and invested in his marital relationship and when a woman stands to protect her interest she expects to receive what she is legally entitled to, nothing more, nothing less and he has no ground to stand on nor does he have the right to challenge her because he’s bitter and scorned!

        • for my mom says:

          My mother is still married to this man who cheated on her they’ve been married ten +yrs now .even though she moved out this,his aunt recently passed on and left them the house .the aunt has a power of attorney ,can changes be made against withe wife’s wishes or the original will?

          • Get some legal advice on this issue. If the aunt holding the power of attorney is deceased, then she no longer has power over the asset. If it is a different aunt who holds power, then she is probably bound to a fiduciary standard to act in the best interests of the beneficiaries.

      • My dad used to say “Son, there’s not one reason to get married, you can rent all the women you want for a few dollars a day.”

        • You’re dad didn’t give you good advice.

          • John got the best advice, getting married is the worst thing a guy could do. Married guys can’t do this or that , got to be home before 10pm, they turn in robots, and the wife is in control all the time.

          • When you have met someone you love,give it time to see how you both feel in 6 months. how about your families? Do they get along,have anything in common with each other? Your interest, her interest. Some of the same,none of the same? Education. Expensive to rent your own apt. Save to buy a home. Discuss if you want children. More fights in marriage today than any other subject. I believe you can marry from 19-on and be happy if you just talk out your real feelings before that walk down the aisle.

      • It sounds to me as though you have a disability and should be seeking help from Social Security Disability.

      • you are so ignorant you do not have a clue how severe Fibromyalgia is. It’s darn right painful it’s diliberating. You ought to be ashame of your answer.

      • That’s a horrible to say to her. I pray you never get fibro rsd or any neurological condition that is so debilitating that you can’t even stand sit walk sleep eat. In till u walk in her shoes u should really hv a little compassion to what she and others with these conditions go through. May God bless you and keep you in good health.

      • I have fibromyalgia andI tried to work as long as I could with it I also have corporal tunnel syndrome and buldging disc in my neck which has left me with severe anxiety and depression because I no longer can perform my job and some days I cant function to get out of bed so I know how she may feel.Its not a good feeling. It has nothing to do with what she deserves with alimony pay she earned her money. If you want to say I lied to a Dr to get on SS I made more when I worked I was a better pwrson and my life sucks work was my sanity place I miss working so bad.Keep your mean opinions about fibro not being real to urself because I would love for you to trade bodies with me and take my pain for me!!!!!

      • I find your posted response offensive and clearly sexist. The guy chose to marry her, he chose to be her husband, through marriage he gave her his name and made her his wife which in turn gave her legal rights to what was his and she’s legally entitled to receive a equal share of the marital assets, “his” and “her” money became “our” money as did all property, bank accounts, retirement accounts, 401K, future pensions and social security benefits. he did this on his own account and of his own free will. Those who value the sanctity of marriage don’t go into marriage preplanning it’s demise nor predict it will end in divorce. But when the husband see’s his marriage is headed toward divorce he stops thinking like a husband and turns into the self centered man who thinks “our” money is “his” money and he’ll fight to the death over “his” money he feels “she” is no longer entitled to nor deserves and it becomes all about his thoughts, feelings, emotions, desire to get back at her and he shouldn’t have to give her any of his money or be obligated to pay for her well being and he shouldn’t have to give her anything but he has no one to blame but himself for this and she shouldn’t have to suffer or settle for anything less than what she’s legally entitled to receive and he shouldn’t expect her to nor should he be a dick about it, making it a legal battle that’s forced to play out in court because his pride prevents him to handle it like a man and not act like a little boy scorned. Stacy, You are entitled to it and even in divorce he may not like it or now agree with it but he is responsible for providing for you and your well being. And the man who vowed to be your husband, he only has himself to kick in the ass for that. And, Johnny Cage I don’t expect you’ll amount to much, you don’t appreciate women nor the commitment, divorce doesn’t give anyone the right to turn into a nasty deviant who’s out for blood and your a moron!

    • Hello my question is,if you reach the age of 62 that’s your wife pay you alamony.

  3. I have been divorced more than 10 years; however, his retirement was not mentioned in any way in our decree nor was a real property given to me by my parents after I was married. When the issue of real property came up 3 years after the divorce, I agreed to not “go after” his retirement if he removed his name from the family property making it 100% mine. Years went by and he did nothing. When he remarried, I told our daughters the family property now belonged to me, their father and his new wife. After they talked to him, he signed his portion over to the girls. Now the land is one half mine and each daughter has one quarter. I would like to know if I am still entitled to a portion of his retirement? I’m having a difficult time finding specifics on the www, so if anyone has had a similar experience of being divorced long term and taking a second look at their spouses retirement, please respond. According to one attorney, I’m still co-owner of those benefits.

    • I was married for 33 years to a man, who married some broad in FL, they have no kids, I had two. She is a good earner and I am for sure totally disabled. Our decree says for life, but the bum doesn’t pay me. Soon they will be married 10 years and SS told me I’d be entitled to half his SS in a few years. I am in Ohio and supposed to be paid for life. Does anyone know the laws of either state? I just need to apply for his SS, don’t I? She alone, even owns thier house, I believe and is on marriage number 4 now. I forget if I apply when he is 65 or me at 64……we are about a year apart and never talk, so he won’t tell me anything.

      • You can apply for divorced spouse benefits once you are both at least 62. If you apply before you are 66, you will receive reduced benefits. This is a federal law — the laws of your state don’t govern it.

        As for support, if he was ordered by the court to pay support, or you filed a decree in which it said he would, then you should take steps to enforce that provision of your decree.

  4. Aftrr ten years of divorce my ex retired and owes me part of his retirement, he refuses to send me the paperwork. How can I get him to comply with court orders without spending more money on attorney fees?

  5. dad died 3 months ago active service landed on normandy (utah beach) , mom and dad were married for more then ten years then divorsed she remarried to someone else for 8 years then divorsed she never remarried again although she moved back in with my dad for 20 years ,is she still able to collect from the va since she was married to dad for ten years

    • As far as I know, VA benefits would only extend to widows who were married to the service member at the date of his death. It doesn’t sound as though that’s the case. Check with your VA benefit office to be sure — I know a lot about social security, but not much about VA benefits, which are different.

  6. What is the alimony rights for the state of Texas?
    I am married for 9 years. I don’t work, I am 58 years old.
    My husband changed bank accounts and moved out of the house, taking just his necessary things.
    We are putting the house on the market, also we have another home in Colorado, that he wants to keep it for him self.
    What are my rights?
    I don’t have a lawyer yet…I am very confused in what to do

  7. S Anderson says:

    I love your site! Perfect for gold diggers who are not ambitious enough to make it on their own. Shameful and pathetic. Romney should have included these evil women in his 47% rant. Why work when you can (legally) empty someone else’s pockets for a living? Did I say shameful and pathetic?

    • Well…I am the woman in the same boat as some of these men. I work hard..have my whole life. My ex can work just chooses not to. He works under the table and is trying collect disability at the same time…The state found out about it about it and stopped paying him disability. He is now (of coarse) trying to get full disability. We are still married (I filed 2 years ago but agreed to wait to keep in on my insurance so he can receive medical care). Now I am ready to finalize the divorce and he wants alimony. He left a good paying job 2 years before we seperated…Now he plays call of duty for 14 hours a day and you know…cannot possibly get an over the table real job. I don’t want anything from him..IF by some iracle some idiot judge grants him full social security…I don’t want any part of it. We have been married for 21 years. How can I make sure I am not part of his curcus act of duping the government if/when it happens?

  8. ok I am trying to find this answer out for a friend of mine. He was struggling and losing his house. An old flame came into the picture and after her coaxing him and waving retirement benifits in front of his face he finally married her. Problems started arising immediately and now he is stuck. I am trying to find out how long they have to be married before he would be entitled to any retirement benifits of hers here in the state of Arizona. Can anyone help me with that?

    • In most states, retirement benefits earned during the marriage are marital property to be divided. But retirement benefits she earned before marriage would not be marital property, unless they have a prenuptial agreement that said otherwise.

  9. Married for ten years and about to be divorce my husband. Work for for five years because I came here from another Country. marriage not working out will I be able to get any benefit from this marriage.I’m 58 years old he is 75 years.

  10. I have been married for 10 years, my husband and I only lived together for 3 of those years. I am in the military and am tried of being alone, I want out of this without having to give someone who did not support my career half of my retirement or saving’s that I went without to save. He chose not to work and live off of his disability check from the military. I own the house he lives in, he pays for basic utilities – the ones he is using in the house. What would you advise someone like me?

  11. One thing many of you women never think about is, if the soldier ETS’s before 20yrs and decides to say “Screw It” and not retire, you will get nothing and it’s a way the guy can stick to you for trying to take his retirement….so be careful what you wish for or try for….because you may end up with nothing if the guy is smart and gets out before 20yrs and collects NO RETIREMENT just to spite you and for trying to divorce him and take half of what he earned. Think about it everyone.

  12. Oh, BTW to FED-UP….you can just ETS from the military and get no retirement…..that way he gets no of your military retirement because you decided to get out and not retire….YOU WIN…..then you can go get a federal job like the post office say a year or so after you leave military….you BUY BACK your military time into the federal job and then you only have to do the difference between time you were in the military to the time to retire from the post office….(Example…did 10yrs Army, got out, then transfer those years to POst Ofice, do 10yrs PO and get out with a 20yr retirement from Post Office, he can’t tough it, because you were never married to him while working with PO)

    Guys can do it to former spouses to and females can do it to their civilian husbands if in the military…..the servicemember can bet the system and not let the divorcing spouse take their years of service and they WIN…..HOOAH !!!!

  13. Bill Clinton says:

    You women are a bunch of money grubbing
    leeches. You don’t cook, or give sex during
    a marriage. You cut your hair and get fat.
    There us no benefit for a man to get married.
    IN THE SHORT RUN YOU MAY MAKE OUT,
    BUT THE NEXT GENERATION OF MEN (UNDER
    30 YEARS OLD), are going to learn, and it is
    going to come BACK AND BITE YOU. In the long
    run, you will not win. Men are not lonely when
    they stay single, they have 400 friends, and a
    different girl every night of the week. What do
    they need you for?? You treat men as sperm
    doners & human wallets. The only difference
    between a wife and a prostitute, is that the wife
    lies, and tells you she loves you.

    • I am sorry that is all you have…lots of friends (with their girlfriends or wives), and different girls every night. that gets old, you know? Having that special somene who reads your looks, who finishes your sentences.. that friend and lover. A connection. With attitude like yours, no wonder there are so many people swearing off love. Too bad men like you, forget how to ROMANCE when they marry! If you treated your wife the way you have protrayed yourself here, no wonder you couldn’t tell the difference between her and a hooker! You were treating her like one! Men like you are better off single anyways. We read you guys easily, so don’t pretend you have “gotten off” easily..pardon the pun. I’m sure you spend more money with your “400″ friends trying to keep the lonliness away, that you would being married to a nice woman and TREATING her GOOD! You probably spend lots of money when you take your flavor of the night out for dinner, drinks, dancing…(hourly motel room), especially to flaunt your money or pretend you are rolling in the dough…Put in as much work as you do, to fight back lonliness, as you would into a REAL relationship, the relationship is more rewarding…but seriously, people like you should remain single. And, from what I understand the gist of your poetic speech, hookers are right up your alley.

    • Tired of being NICE. says:

      BILL CLINTON. How DARE YOU JUDGE ME! OR anyone else you are CLEARLY Jaded. I have been a near PERFECT wife and if you ask him he WILL tell you it’s TRUE! I told him I would never ask for alimony UNLESS he committed Adultery. YES I did EVERYTHING, cooked cleaned did the laundry,.shopped for GROCERIES ONLY never spent money on myself I RAISED the CHILD I PAID THE BILLS I Got Us 2 houses and had a 750 credit rating HE ruined Built everything WE HAVE all he did was go to work and come home and do WHATEVER he wanted and he would of had to work whether I was around or not! You know what I got for it? Screamed at like a dog, when I tried to talk about ANY thing he didn’t want to HEAR ,. ignored, neglected, and abandoned while sick RUN out of my house 2 days after MAJOR Surgery. But he loves me and doesn’t want a divorce.RIGHT? If THAT is LOVE I want NO part OF it! BUT HE IS GETTING a Divorce and YES he WILL pay alimony and I EARNED EVERY last penny. STOP being bitter. “Judge NOT lest YE BE judged and in the same temperance in WHICH you judged so shall YE be judged” And yet I do NOT hate this man he is the father of my ONLY child and I will always love him for my child’s sake even though the child is now 28 years old. Go LOOK at yourself. A real good look you are UGLY on the INSIDE no well adjusted independent woman would WANT YOU. Not EVEN for money! I studied Psychology ALL my life was gonna be a marriage counselor (SO HE didn’t HAVE to work) BUT just because I don’t HAVE a good marriage doesn’t mean I don’t know what one is supposed to BE like! As long as you have that opinion of all women THAT is THE KIND of woman YOU are going to attract. You can write me and say WHATEVER you want because YOUR opinion means NOTHING to me. BIGGER BADDER and Far BRIGHTER have TRIED. trust me YOU are no match for me. Go see a shrink your Mother must’ve done a REAL number on you YOU are “damaged goods” You know somethin else? Almost EVERY man that has gotten to know falls in love with me eventually. I don’t KNOW why. I’m not like Beautiful but not ugly. it’s always been a mystery to me. His very own Friends came after me yet I never was unfaithful BUT HE WAS. ONCE and I forgave him. My point being I shan’t be lonely 1- I LOVE my time alone & I don’t GET lonely 2 -when I’m ready after a very long timer, when I WANT to be with someone I WILL BE with someone who WILL treat me well. ALL women are NOT the same.just like ALL men are NOT the same get smart and GROW UP!

    • Tropicalparadise says:

      Exactly men are stupid. Don’t get married.
      Just pay a prostitute. You would not have any problems.
      This is the best advice I’ve heard!

    • tru u marry for love nothing else ,u keep it real,compassion for love never lose the feeling after years.be best of friends and let him be him women be her never change because of marriage ,it stays the same keep your personality the same ,,,,love is more than money money changes things if one won the lottery its 50/ 50 equel ness ,so never marry for money u are rich in happyness not money ,,,,diana

  14. Bapi Hari says:

    I am married since 7 years and separated, I am I am working for a Private company, my wife is well educated (more then me) but not willing to work. She is living with her parents (are financially strong). I am planing for divorce her as she is not willing to come to me anymore.

    My question is…..if she demand for alimony, will it be supported for her? Can she demand the alimony? Is honorable Court will take judgement on favor of her?

  15. Ive been married for over ten years to my husband however we only lived together a year after we got married, i left due to his illegal drug activity. He has since retired from his company, am I due any of his benefits?

  16. I’ve been married for almost 20 years. My kids are sophomores in high school (twins) and my husband and I have decided to wait until they graduate to file for a divorce. We are friends and our divorce will be amicable. We are working on our settlement agreement and decided that he will assist me financially for a few years until I get on my feet. I have been a homemaker, stay at home mom with no skill and no training. I am in my mid 40s. I would like to go back to school. I would like to go into nursing. My question is regarding tuition. My husband said that he will help me. But should I get a student loan, make monthly payments or do both? We’re not rich, we’re not poor, we’re doing okay without having to live paycheck to paycheck. Thank you.

    • If your husband is willing to help with the tuition no matter how it is paid, then you will need to figure out which of your options will result in the lowest amount paid for your education: student loan or monthly payments. If your husband is only willing to help with monthly payments, then that may be your best option.

      • how about if i marry someone who does not make any money. can i still collect social security from my ex husband who is very wealthy?

        • If you are married, then you are eligible to collect based on your spouse’s earnings history or your own, whichever is higher. If you are single, then you are eligible to collect based on any ex-spouse’s earnings history if you and your ex were married for 10 years or longer, or your own history, whichever is higher.

          So if you remarry, you will not be eligible to collect based on your ex-spouse’s earnings history, unless that marriage ends in death or divorce.

  17. I love how women elude to the excuse that they cooked, cleaned, did the laundry gave a man sex etc. Women have this sense of entitlement and it’s really sad. How about you seek employment? Women seem to think that they are so much stronger and better equipped to handle divorce than men. That’s because you take the man to the cleaners and maintain some of the same financial benefits which you had when you were married. The man ends up with all of the bills and debt in addition to having to pay a woman out every month. Try walking away from a marriage and seeking employment. I’ll show you how much stronger I am if the six figures I pull in isn’t garnished to pay you out alimony and child support every month. I assisted my ex in raising her daughter. I put her in private schools gave her a good Christmas every year, took her to Disney world as well as various other family vacations and I never complained. Do you think her biological father was taken to court and asked to pay a cent of child support? Nope! This man managed to escape the hard shaft of the family court judge for 18 years. I on the other hand was screwed royally. The judge followed my legal separation to the letter. If ever I wanted to be amicable, my ex would insist we follow the guidelines of the court. I view her as a money sucking leech who is no better than a person who collects unemployment for 99 weeks and refuses to find a job because the unemployment would stop or the welfare recipient who refuses to get out and be productive because the money they receives will amend the welfare check and section 8 housing. As a married man when I was laid off of my job, I found another job. In fact I found two jobs and worked 7 days a week in addition going back to college full time to finish up my degree. Why can’t she do the same? Let me guess, she is a woman scorned right?

    • Reading the words from most of these men is very discouraging. My husband and I have been married for nearly nine years now and really, we had no right getting married in the first place. He was emotionally and physically abusive while we were engaged and a couple years into the marriage until I told him I WILL NOT condone his behavior any longer. He hasn’t been physically abusive for several years, realizing that I had NOT threatened him, I was stating fact. However, he is still verbally and emotionally abusive and VERY controlling. When I read what Bill, Anderson, Russ, John Adams, and BG are saying, is now these men are generalizing us..due to their own personal experiences. I KNOW we all tend to do that, for I at times, feel as tho EVERY man out there is abusive or controlling in some way, shape or form, and reading their “testimonies” only confirms what I fear. Why haven’t I divorced him yet? I have thought about it, believe me. However, I know him and I understand what makes him tick. I need to be prepared to be alone for the rest of my life, because I have no desire to become attached to men like the ones responding so cruelly to this site. I don’t want my 5 year old daughter to become attached to yet another bitter, woman hating man. She would be better off being raised by me alone than have more negativity in her life.
      I used to run the household bills and do grocery shopping, but no more. HE opened up his own account and I am not on it. I don’t have ANY money, yet when I have had job interviews, he blows stuff out of proportion. He is incredibly jealous of any male attention directed my way, and the few times I had a job lined up, he informed me that he knew I would leave him, find someone better, that treats me better, etc. Another job offer I was excited about and told him, and the first words out of his mouth were” well you gonna give me some of that money?” He doesn’t want me to work, he doesn’t want me to be independant. He wants me to ask him for any penny I may want or need so he can decide whether or not to give it. I never have enough fuel to leave my house very often, he makes sure of that. Hence, I have been selling things on ebay for a few years now- in the beginning I transfered some of the funds to the joint account to assist with bills. Now, since we no longer have a joint account, I have the money for ME! Also, I have been recently working at my 92 year old grandmother’s house and that gives me extra money for fuel so I can visit my family 30 min away, or be at a family members b-day celebration. You understand how awful I feel? I am predominately Italian, and it is first nature to take care of family. I HATE needing money to take care of my grandmother. It KILLS me, because I want to do that for free, because I love her…it is demoralizing. However, he doesn’t know I am being paid for my multiple trips to her house. I KNOW he would want that money too. Basically, he wants me to stay home to tend our daughter, pets, housework…not to mention outdoor chores…(we own 10 acres). He has mentioned many times, how I need to be avialable to him at all times. ie, if he wants to talk, I need to be there. He is upset, when I’m doing chores when he wants to chat. So, because he works graveyard, I get little more than 6 hours of sleep every night, to be available to him.
      I weed eat, mow lawns, fix/repair fencing, fix household appliances etc. Now he has everything he has wanted…a slave that takes out trash (not only from the house, but dumps it into the trailer for trash hauls), tends to house and child, oh yes, also, to help save money during the winter, I chop wood and run the chainsaw during the summer to ready firewood for winter. MEN- this is NOT a marriage!! In the nine years we have nearly been married, he has worked AT MOST 5 of them, some of which collecting unemplyoment while working a cash only job.He borrows money from his mother, (never intending to pay back), does his best to recieve free meals, and relies on MY family to clothe our daughter-jammies, shoes, etc some new, most hand-me-downs from my sister. Yet, when I approach him to buy some movie passes to my sister and her husband as a thanks for all they have given us, he says we don’t have the money. Now that he has taken over ALL monies, bills are not getting paid (unless they come directly out of acct), but HEY, he’s happy because NOW he has money to buy toys for HIM!
      So, yes, I am sorry, but I am checking out this site to explore my options. I am tired of being dragged thru the mud, of being the scapegoat, of the controlling and emotional abuse I deal with. I am tired of feeling empty and lonely. I am tired of feeling nauseated whenever I am heading home, knowing he’s there, I am tired of feeling sick to my stomach, knowing he will be home any minute…wondering when I will be told how I’ve screwed up. So, HELL yes, I am looking to see how I can better my daughter’s future thru this marriage. This is a man, who DOESN’T want to work, and YES I am going to make sure he has to in order to finish what he started. I have been loyal and a great mother and wife, and I am biding my time. I am looking things over. Trust me, I wtached my parents marriage thru its demise, and it was a tough thing to deal with. I didn’t want to get married after that. But, I did, I said I do, and now I realize I should have said, I don’t. This is a man who says he loves me, yet bought expensive toys and cars instead of letting me go to the dentist or Doctor. He bought expensive toys when I found out I was pregnant and said we didn’t have the money to see an OBGYN (my mom paid for it.) I needed MAJOR dental work done about a year and a half ago (I was having migraines), my mom and step dad paid that too, and not once has my husband thought to pay them back. A few years ago, I had gall bladder surgery and was nervous bout being put under…my mom and step dad were the last people I saw when the meds took over and the first people I saw upon waking. Nope, not my hubby. When I put my beloved dog down, I gave him 5 days to dig a hole….I was out there before vet arrived trying to do it myself. Instead, my husband’s brother came out and dug it for me…He buys car parts for cars not working, motorcycle parts for bikes he doesn’t drive, meanwhile we run out of toilet paper or food in the house. Sewage issues he could have dealt with on his 3 days off he gets every week, instead he heads to work, informing me its MY problem….a person without ANY money. His brother, again, rescued me and my daughter..otherwise, off to my moms house. Running out of propane because he doesn’t pay bills and buys himself toys or expensive energy drinks for $3 each. DAMN straight I am going to try to get what I can, after all, it sounds like he has already left…altho, I worry. The rule of thumb is upon divorce, the spouse with less is only to recieve to continue with what she is used to….so I will be left with unpaid bills, no food, lots of hard work, and no toilet paper.

      • Tired of being NICE. says:

        Find EVERY reciept you can make copies keep and HIDE originals. BORROW them from friends if you have to, make it “Look like you lived like a Queen Vacations and all! I got a husband SOMETHIN like that. Didn’t start out that way.I am NOT afraid of him, but I came OUT of an abusive childhood On TOP I know the ropes. Good luck oh and NOT to be Bitchy. Take responsibility NOW so you don’t end up with someone like this AGAIN. You KNEW he was abusive BEFORE you married him…BUT YOU STILL married him! WHY? figure THAT out or be doomed to repeat it!! Mine acted like Prince Charming til the knot was tied. Good luck

      • LEAVE HIS STUPID ASS

  18. I am 70 years plus, married 10 years, prenup sighed prior to marriage, house in his name and now up for sale, never wanted me work, has provided for me ..what if anything am I entitled to>\?
    Married in British Columbia

    • It sounds as though you are in Canada, so you and he may not have built a Social Security record, but you may have a Canadian equivalent. Your prenup, if valid, will be a roadmap as to what you are entitled to. Talk to an attorney in your community to discuss the prenup terms and validity.

  19. I’ve been married 10 years and we are talking about ending it, I want to be fair to both of us. I brought money into the relationship and worked the first year. I was diagnosed with a genetic disease that’s pretty much incapacitated me and have disability benefits. My husband was close to retirement when we married and has been retired the last 7 years. The house was his though we did refinance in both of our names and is worth a lot more than we owe. He has a good pension, collects S.S. and has a large annuity account. I guess I’m asking what I’m entitled to after ten years, I’ve been a good person all my life and I don’t want to ruin my record. Thanks for any help you may offer.

  20. I have the opposite question; if the leaving spouse waits until ten years of marriage in California, and then starts a divorce, is there any way to make that a disadvantage? That is, can the surprised spouse use the leaving spouse’s premediation against them? Thanks!

  21. Also, can you clarify what you mean by “If you are divorcing a person with great future earnings potential, consider sticking it out a little longer or delay finalizing the divorce until after the ten-year mark.”? How does future earnings potential play in to a divorce? Thank you.

    • A high earner will get greater social security benefits than a low-earner, and so the divorced spouse benefits would also be higher. Divorced spouse benefits are only available in a marriage of 10 years or longer.

  22. Confused says:

    My husband and I will be married 11 years this year and have 2 children together. While we have tried to work things out, our marriage has been going downhill for some time, now. He has been active duty Army for 14 years and I just started working the the Department of VA 5 months ago. I need a quick synopsis of what my rights are as a military spouse/dependent and mother. He recently told me that he is still young and good looking and if he and I aren’t on the same page, we need to end our marriage. Mind you, his worst fear used to be our family being torn apart by divorce.

  23. I consider, what is it ? a false way.

  24. Leslie says:

    Wow, there are a lot of angry men here. Angry because they fell for the woman than screwed them…Its equal in all walks of life rather it be men doing the screwing or women. So get over yourselves, because women like me with a disability, a child to raise, a good job that DOESN”T need a man will never take a look at jerks with a sorry outlook on woman such as yourself.

    Sure, find yourself a new woman every night for just a couple of dollars because that is all you will ever be able to have….if they are even women.

    • Leslie, I agree with you, good point. Men.. be smarter in who choose for a wife and it may not happen to you.

  25. Tina Jones says:

    I started collecting my spouse’s reduced derivative SS benefits at the age of 62, and Medicare A under my spouse’s SS number at the age of 65. Shall I lose both if we divorce before 10 years of marriage expire?

    Thanks

  26. Michelle says:

    I have a question for anyone.I divorced and left my husband was married 21 years.I only asked what I was entitled to by law. I will be getting his pension etc. I am just confused about when I will actually be able to collect it. He is retiring next year he is much older than me I am 48. If anyone can help with that info I appreciate it. His company is doing the QDRO on it to set up the funds seperatly for me.

    • You can begin getting pension benefits under at QDRO at the earliest age at which your former spouse can retire. You can decide when to start, but once he does retire, you must begin getting benefits.

  27. terrisa says:

    my husband and i are living in Arkansas and have not yet been married for 9 years. over a year ago we separated due to issues between us in our marriage. he had an affair while we were split up and we eventually have gotten back together but the same issues arise from the last separation plus he keeps in contact with this woman he had an affair with. i work but not enough to maintain a stable place, however, friends have allowed me to rent their home when i decided to leave. we have talked about divorce and i feel like i would be happier with out this mess he helped create for this last year. he has a job as an RN and i just clean houses for a living. i have no idea if I’m entitled to alimony. no property except what is inside our home and he has a new car compared to a car i barely keep running. i do plan on leaving and will make it with help of a few friends and family.

    should we have a period of separation before i file? should i ask for his car in the divorce settlement? and am i entitled for spousal support before and after this divorce?

    any help is appreciated.

  28. Hawkins says:

    This is horrible! My heart is broken & turned upside down by a person who became just like the rest of the younger generations. Instead of fixing things, they just throw it away. I don’t want my divorce even though I have been cheated on & treated cruel with mainly emotional & mental abuse. My health started to deteriate over time. I recognized my condition would only get worse so I got some assistance to put me through school so I could work a job with my condition. I did not want my spouse to end up having to take care of me completely when my condition got worse. Granted I can’t work as many hours at my job I’ve had over 5 yrs because the programs requirement to help me w/school is to go 12 credit hours or more. Because of my health getting worse I can’t do things like I used to, so my spouse wishes to divorce me because of my health. My whole world was turned upside down when I was cheated on after 10 yrs. I thought I could trust the person I was with. I love my life, home, & friends. Now it has to change because someone else decides they are going through a mid life crisis & doesn’t want to stay through sickness & health? Hmmmm not right & not fair at all. I don’t want my lifestyle to change because someone else is selfish. So yes alimony you bet. I’m not scornful & I certainly don’t want to cause anguish. Not when you truly love someone, you can’t just turn it off like a light switch. Why would you want the person you love hurt? I’m more angry at the fact that someone wants to throw away years of something we built to just throw it all away like it was nothing. So if you want the divorce, I will be compensated for the time & work I put into the relationship, because I’m willing to make it work so I’m not wasting 13 yrs of my life. Women & men alike haves paid alimony & it stands to reason, yes not everyone of them should have, but before passing judgement on someone & why they wish to collect it, I don’t feel any opinion negative or positive. Passing Judgement on someone is wrong.

  29. Hi,
    I am 42 years old Floridian man with 13 years of total marriage with only first two years golden time. Rest of time deteriorated with time due to several issues.
    After two years of my golden married life problem started but mainly inter fearing with my in-laws. Apart from this, few major incidences are…

    1. she diagnosed as bipolar after six years of marriage. However, she was first diagnosed when she was teen. Back then, she took some medicines for few years and then discontinued due to the normal behavior. I was kept in dark until her second episode after my six years of marriage. I treated her and doctors advised that she has to take medicines life long. she is taking medicines regularly and she is almost back to normal life. She is being prescribed antidepressants and also for mania both at a time. Due to the medicines, she lessened her emotions and no matter how I tensed/upset/sad/ due to the domestic fight/work tension etc, she will never come to me to say few good words. it is like, I don’t care what you feel.

    After second maniac episode, she had another two mania episodes (total four including teen episode) and my life is really turned traumatic. In second episode, she told hospital staff that I will kill my kids and then “Child Protection” came into picture. However, later on they (CP) realized that there is no truth behind the hospital staff’s statement. She is loving mother of our two kids but less concerns about kids food and education. We have no commons in any way. We are totally mismatch couple.

    I know she is in touch with another guy who used to be our neighbor but she kept him very low profile to me but I was completely aware of this person. She has given him some of our house hold items to him sometimes. She exchanges mails and posts messages on facebook. She also calls him but I dont know how this relationships is??

    One day, i thought I should break silence and I told about this guy. She disagreed and said I don’t know this person. I also mentioned about the exchange of things, emails, talks, messages but she firmly denied. When I shown proof, she reluctantly agreed. She also not in favor of sex with me. Most times she says I don’t have mood. Aren’t these sign of cheating??

    I am tired of fighting with her and I want to end my marriage.She is asking me alimony. I am barely meeting my end needs and I don’t have good bank balance. Neither have money to pay for attorney. I wonder if anybody can help me any other options I may have!! If she is asking alimony and child custody , it will be a tragic life which I can not imagine!!

    Thank you very much in advance.

    NB:I know this website is for wives but there are also good women out there.

    Please help…

    • It sounds as tho you have been incredibly patient with her throughout your marriage. I applaud you for what I can only guess you have endured.
      General rule of thumb indicates that she indeed, may be cheating, especially when she finally acknowledged the fact that she knew said man. However, I have know a few bi-polar women and women with other chemical inbalances and at times, either the medication or lack there-of can also inhibit sex drive. People with chemical imbalances suffer mood swings as well as lack of drive-period. So can depression.
      In my current situation, I also have NO sex drive. Just not interested. I have done it anyways, for hubby, but it rips me up inside. I get no enjoyment out of it at all, so I’d rather not “dot it”. I am not cheating on him, but he believes I am. Which in turn, when I am accused of it, and he won’t believe me, it only turns me off to sex even more. It is NOT punishment. I am NOT intentionally withholding to punish, I am simply not interested. The last time I conceded for him, I cried nealry the entire time, and he didn’t even notice. If there is punishment in my situation, I bear it.
      Just be patient with her and try to seek counsel. Perhaps with a mediator or professional help, you two may be able to rectify your marriage. There are plenty of low cost or even free thru churches and like organizations…check into them. If you do decide to seek counseling, don’t go into it that it’s going to fix your marriage-concentrate on healing or fixing yourself first. After all, if you do end up parting ways in the future, you will have learned about yourself and perhaps may find a “new” you. It will help you to regain confidence again, because in rough marriages, we all lose confidence. If you two are able to work and save your marriage, it will also make you stronger and help you see things before they escalate. The counseling will help you recognize certain things and how to handle them or avoid them altogether to protect you from falling into that “old familar rut” again.

      I wish you the best of luck. Thanks for sharing.

  30. James Jones says:

    I just read some of the comments, and its sad how many women really think they are entitled to the money they get, the whole “I had children, cooked, cleaned and had sex” bull crap thats why many women are just weak and pathetic liars. First off its not 1920 and all that cooking and cleaning talk please, you women after 10 years you use sex as a weapon, oh cry me a river just because your too lazy to go to a gym drop some pounds don’t get all upset when your husband is checking out that young hot body or better yet a woman your same age who takes care of herself.

    I just hate the fact that I have deployed back and forth to some un-thinkable places and because this lazy turd hung around long enough now she thinks she is owed my hard earned retirement, oh btw when you pull this tramps out of a trailer park or the hood get them off Section 8 housing and welfare they seem to forget the hard times when they see E7 or higher pay.

    i don’t hate all women trust me there are a lot of good ones out there too bad in todays society women are brainwashed to be gold diggers just watch those real housewives shows digging in a mans pocket just because they spread their legs a few times like most military wives spread their legs now they got you trapped.

    • Mr. Jones, you are a bitter, bitter man. Not all of us looking and replying to this site have used the ” cooking cleaning, etc”. Sometimes, we are in a plce where we find ourselves in a loveless marriage and more of a controlling or abusive one. In fact, there is an underlying tone I hear from your message that sounds similar to my husband. HUGE turn-off. Your crass comments are unnecessary and cruel. Many women are probably not telling their life story online. So, you cynical men get to pick and choose the parts you want to hash out. You believe the women are being brainwashed to be gold-diggers…men are gold diggers too. Men and women BOTH can be controlling and abusive. As far as weight issues and letting oneself go?? Well, I have seen some over weight BEAUTIFUL women, and most overweight, married women, still wear makeup, and do their hair, brush their teeth and use deoderant. However, men that let themselves go???they go ALL THE WAY! Men after 40 or so, develop this “odor”. It means you MUST shower! Don’t just spray foo-foo, CLEAN! Many men are content to wash their hair with regular body soap, leaving it looking oily or dirty. They stop shaving, their teeth look yucky, they wear old ragged clothes (that weren’t bought that way). So, look at other women if you must, these HOT women that “take care of themselves”, some of those are probably the gold diggers you were talking about….but just note this: women look too….and you may not measure as high as YOU think you do….

    • Tired of being NICE. says:

      I agree with lonely but let me go a step FURTHER I AM one of those GOOD women and YOU are slime, when “they spread their legs” as you so elegantly put it NO ONE forces YOU to oblige! And here’s a thought… what happens when women are too busy taking CARE OF EVERYONE else? They CAN’T always take care of themselves and rather than be selfish & vain they CHOOSE to take care of husband house, children which is 24/7 forever. How superficial You are.

      • You are so right. People now tell me that my exs all say that i was the best and that they wished they had treated me better. You should see the pitiful women they chose after i left.

        As they say you do not miss your well until the water is gone and PAY BACK IS A Mo Fo!!!

    • Yo some of u r really trippin. We all have been used abused and hurt. I got thru it by prayer,blessings and determination. WOMEN AND MEN if you are not being treated rihht then just end it. Life is too short to be mistreated. After an abusive and controlling relationship by an ex husband an ex bf, i finally left both of them. I am doing much better and i even make more $$$ than both the ex asshole and his ugly wife. Now he is sick and she is just biding her time. YES! PAYBACK IS A MO FO!! LOL!!!

    • ridiculous says:

      My husband joined the army and is in bct right now and when searching for an answer to a question i had, this thread came up. Now keep in mind, i have absolutely no desire to divorce my husband whom i love to the stars and back, i was just curious because i read the synopsis under the link and it made me think “wtf?”. I am not going to finish reading this because of the sexist and out right ridiculous comments made by men. No, i’m not reading this to “groom” myself for a future divorce. I plan on my marriage being forever or i wouldn’t have said “i do”. I was reading out of sheer curiousity and boredom during a slow time at work. Now i have been with my husband for 6 years, since i was 18, and we have been married for 5 this year. He is 7 years older than me and never planned on marrying or having kids until he met me and we have a beautiful 4 year old son. I supported my family for 3 years on my own while he stayed home with our son because he was having trouble with jobs. I am currently working two jobs and have been since before my hubby left. I will also continue to work both of my jobs the entire time my hubby is gone until it is time to leave for his duty station, wherever that may be. So for these men to get on their high horses and say these horrible things and generalize women is pompous, demeaning, and disgusting. Men are real quick to say that raising children, cooking, and cleaning is not a job but you are dead wrong. It is a job. It is a chore. It is a duty. However you want to categorize it, it is something. Not nothing. Just because a woman does not get paid for doing these things doesn’t diminish the value of it nor the time she put into it. These same men look at these things as “wifely duties”. Well then what are the husband’s “duties”? To take care of their wives. Do you think she should do all of these things for you for free because she loves you? Why? What are you giving her in return? She’s not your mother, she doesn’t have to do any of this for you. There’s give and take in a good relationship, not just take. If you can’t get past your own selfishness to see that, it’s not the problem of women. That falls sqarely on your shoulders.

  31. Mary G. says:

    hello I have been married for ten and a half years to my husband who is in the Army and he has been in the Army for 14 years. we have been separated the last 2 years. he met another woman while he was on a job for the Army and was having an affair with her now he lives with her. I moved back home to where I am from and he lives in Georgia I live in North Carolina. we are wanting to get our divorce done just have not had the money. I spoke with an attorney yesterday who told me that in order to get 1/4 of his retirement benefits I will need to date my separation after our 10 year anniversary which was in December 2012. then I would be eligible to file my divorce after December 2013. now I’ve been reading up on military websites saying that if you were married to a soldier for 10 years you are eligible for DFAS to directly pay you your portion of the retirement benefits. In no way does it say that you need to be living together (not separated) for 10 years to even be eligible for a portion of the retirement. I’m confused is this lawyer correct?

    • Military retirements are generally divided by the time rule, which is a ratio of the service credits earned during marriage to the total service credits earned. As you say, there’s a 10-year requirement to get direct pay from DFAS, but I have never heard of a 10-year rule for computing the spouse’s share of the benefits. And in general, the 10 years is from the date of marriage to the date the divorce is final, and the date of filing has nothing to do with it. I suggest you consult an attorney who knows about military benefits, or perhaps there is a resource available through the Army.

  32. Mary G. says:

    FYI we also have two little girls

  33. I been married to my soon to be ex of 17 years. He was 12 years older than me we adopted 4 children and 3 is still under age. He abandoned us and has not called children sent gift or money. Howe er they get sad notmuch and I work. Because I been married for 17 years what am I entitled to right now. I did not take him for anything. But down the line if money come in affect by him am I able to re dive it. Even if I remarry.

    • You should talk to an attorney about your children’s right to support from their father, as well as what else you are entitled to. The laws of each state are different, and we cannot give legal advice at WIFE.org.

  34. Okay, I am asking this question for my boyfriends mom,she came into this country on visa but ended up getting married to a U.S citizen, since I’ve been with my boyfriend we’ve had a child and have been living togethor at his parents house which it is his step-father and mothers house and I’ve seen a lot with his parents. I want to help her so help me out do it please. They have two kids and have been togethor 20 years he has never let her work she is contstantly cleaning, cooking and taking care of the kids (on a limited amount of money he gives her) and he leaves every other week because he trucks. He makes a lot of money but barely gives her and the kids anything only for bills and food, he has everything in his name two bank accounrs she is not allowed to have acess to and he has cheated before but now he did something worse he kissed his 14 year old daughter friend which is 14 and got her number off the moms phone and has been texting her secretly they haven’t pressed charges but that is his daughters best friend now my boyfriends mother won’t leave him still she is too scared and thinks she needs him but he did something so wrong. What can she do ? Will she no longer be a u s citizen if they divorce?

    • If she is a citizen that won’t be taken away just because she divorces.

    • belinda says:

      Someone needs to tell the 14 y/o girls’ parents what is going on here ASAP!!! If you can somehow “snap-shot” some of the texts either from his phone, or hers, do that first so there will be evidence. If I were the girl’s parents, I would press charges, but they probably have no idea this is going on.
      All of the $$ and property your boyfriend’s parents have is considered marital property by the legal system, and even if it is in his name only, at least half, (and maybe more, if the court sees fit), will be awarded to her. This is an abusive relationship, and she needs to see an attorney and GET OUT. Please give her lots of encouragement and support, because people who have been abused for a long time, begin to believe it’s their fault and/or they deserve being treated this way.
      There is a lot of information online about the laws concerning divorce, and it is different for every state, but at the very least, she should not fear being rid of this jerk, as there’s a better life for her and her kids. They are growing to see this as normal, or expected behavior, and it is so disrespectful on every level. She is living as a slave. Please follow through and tell her not to fear him, but to do all she can to show her children that she will not stand for this treatment, so they will learn self-respect. It might be a hard fight, but it will be worth it.
      Many attorneys will give a free consultation for someone who is seeking help, but doesn’t know where to start. Help her find one and get the ball rolling. Good luck and God bless you for caring.

  35. formyuncle says:

    Ok so as you can tell by the name this is about my uncle.. My uncle and his wife have been married for almost 13 years, he recently left her now she is threatening him with 3000.00 a month alimony if he divorces her. But she didn’t do her wifely duties he came home the house was always disgusting there was never any food and she wouldn’t have sex with him…she wouldn’t take care of the children both of which aren’t even his… All she cared about was facebook and messing up other peoples relationship…anyway can she really do that? I mean seriously? He is a resident of the country but he is from Mexico. We are in Georgia. I feel really bad for my uncle and he really needs help. This woman has lost her damn mind,. She has even thought about getting someone to follow him around to make sure he doesn’t cheat. I mean can’t blame him if he does because he is married to her.

    • The laws of each state are different, so to find out under what circumstances alimony is awarded in Georgia, you’ll need to consult with a Georgia attorney.

      Here’s what I found at this website: http://www.divorcenet.com/resources/divorce/spousal-support/understanding-and-calculating-alimony-ge
      Before awarding alimony, a court must find that one spouse has financial need and that the other has the ability to pay. Georgia courts will also consider whether one spouse’s behavior led to the breakdown of the marriage; a spouse who otherwise might have received alimony but committed adultery or abandoned the other spouse may be barred from receiving payments. Some of the factors impacting need and ability to pay include:
      •each spouse’s earning capacity, separate estate, financial resources, and debts
      •each spouse’s contributions to the marriage, including homemaking, child care, education, and career building for the other spouse
      •the marital standard of living
      •each spouse’s age, and physical and emotional condition
      •any time necessary for either spouse to obtain education and training for appropriate employment, and
      •the length of the marriage.

      There is no formula for calculating alimony in Georgia; different factors may have more or less weight depending on the overall circumstances of a case. A judge has great discretion in deciding what amount to award, or whether to award any amount at all.

  36. my husband filed few weeks before 10 years. do i have a chance to get life time alimony since i wont be able to keep the standards of living. thanks

  37. ThatGuyInCali says:

    Hello. My wife and I have decided to divorce after 11 years of marriage. We separated, i.e. I moved out 4 months prior to reaching our 10 year anniversary and we were contemplating working things out. We never, after that point, maintained the same residency ever again and a year and a half later, a few days after our 11 year anniversary we have decided on divorce. The separation was not “legal” or “documented” so do the California state laws stipulate that the “10 year rule” still apply in our case because technically we are married past that point or is there any special legal consideration or precident that has been set because we did in fact separate prior to our 10 year anniversary?

    • In California, support rules differ if you were married more or less than 10 years. That 10 years is from the date of marriage to the date of separation. If you were in marriage counseling, working on the marriage, or reconciled after you separated, then the date that you separated initially may not be the date of separation. Discuss this matter with your attorney, weighing all the facts and circumstances of your particular situation. If you and your spouse don’t agree on the date of separation and that date is significant, then you can have a mini-trial to determine the date.

  38. kat scholz says:

    ENOUGH! My husband’s ex- after getting 30 years of military retirement- now gets his entire social security benefit. I was married to him for almost 30 years and took care of him while he died. I get $50 a month from his social security and she gets almost $1700. She got the house even tho the court ordered her to sell it. And she lied about her age when they got married because she was under age! And prostitution is illegal?! No wonder SS is going under. God- 10 years of marriage and you can get someone’s SS (and retirement) for all the years they worked. Where is the outrage?

  39. I have been married for 13 years, separated for 3 1/2 years. Am I entitled to my husband’s pension and Social Security, if i abandoned my marriage because of irreconcilable differences?

  40. Christina Littlejohn says:

    If September is my tenth year of bein married will i be qualify to get the alimony that i deserved, cause I have been homeless for the last ten yrs on and off. Please someone help me on this

  41. Melissa Melissa says:

    I have been married almost 12 years we have 3 kids together I have 6 total I have always been a stay home mother my soon to be ex husband works out of the country and only come home 2 times a year , he is a very angry abusive man much like his father was he’s verbally abusive towards his children and mine and physically and mentally abusive towards me every time I mention divorce he threatens to cut off all money for the household and threatens to quit his job so he won’t have to pay alimony , I’m so miserable I have to money for a lawyer I feel so stuck and so unhappy I also fear that my children will have to visit this angry man when they are terrified of him not sure what to do or how to get started I can’t even call lawyers because he monitors my cell phone calls, any advice

    • I realize this is a year after the fact & I hope you got yourself & your kids out of there especially, if he only comes home 2x a year. I know what being in a controlling & abusive relationships like & you’d be surprised just how strong you are, when you have no choice but to be strong. May God Bless.

  42. hello. I am 56 and my husband is 46 we have been married for 14 years I have been disabled for the last 7, years and yes I can type , in my bed and can barely keep my little apartment clean since I moved out in Feb 2013. (This will be the 7th time I moved out) Prior to my illness I worked fulltime and maintained our home and our 5 dogs 2 of which I was not consulted on when he brought them home but I love animals and acquieced ( only myself to blame in the long run) I came into the marriage with $30,000 in ROTH IRA’s I encouraged him to do the same we crept up to $74,0000 in 2007 he is self -employed and works extremely hard and I never want to take him to the cleaners. We have had many problems over the years, we tried everything, he did anger management classes for 6 weeks , it.didn’t help, I went to private therapy for over a year, both of us went to a Retrovie Marriage Encounter weekend, he brought his pot, and alcohol to the weekend, we were told to abstain for a week prior to the weekend so as to be as clean and sober as possible, I don’t partake because of my plethora of meds, We paid $700.00 for that weekend which we couldn’t afford but it was important for us to give our marriage 1 last chance . It was great for 2 months and then back to the same old stuff, I believe he is a pathological liar as he lies and has been caught to numerous times to count over 14 years, but that is just my opinion not a professional one. I don’t want to muddy his name here that is not my purpose in writing, I only ask in the event of divorce that je pay our mutual cell phone bill and car insurance bill a total of $25O.00 a month and maybe $300.00 cash a month he makes $4,000- $5,000 a month I make $1,066 a month, Since I left our 4 bedroom home he has rented out he has rented out the other 3 bedrooms to friends all of whom are addicted to prescription painkillers oxy’s and whatnot and sell their meds to pay their rent. All of these people frequently visited our house unannounced to smoke pot with my husband who was frequently the source. All of this I never complained about I actually liked these guys even tho I wasn’t to keen on these guys just coming over whenever. My main question is this , my husband has told me since I left the house and got an apartment with my daughter so I would have help with the rent and we are barely making it, that if we got divorced I would have to pay HIM alimony since I moved out , could this be true ? we live in Florida

    • sorry for the typos above I didn’t proofread it. thanks for any help

      • martha lell says:

        I have worked to pay all household bills even with extreme back pain. Had 5 back surgeries in 2010. I have subsequently found out I was injured during surgery and now have disabling adhesive arachnoiditis which causes intractable pain along with myriad of symptoms. I assume you sir. Believe I should be out in the streets with no alimony etc even though my husband earned 5 Times the money I did and never shared a dime with me or covered any household expense s when I had my 5 surgeries. In fact he was my emergency contact and. Couldn’t be reached during one some surgery so they had to close me up and redo surgery next day. To which he disappeated drunk that weekend. He now tHinks if If I get settlement for disabling Injuries should be half his and he shouldn’t pay alimony although my abilityto work is dec lining by the week. I think there is a special place god puts people who act like this and despise women so much.

    • Constance says:

      @Cova I was divorced in Florida. If he is the higher earner, and you have been married more than ten years, two things will happen. You are entitled to spousal support, NOT him. This is because he has the higher income of the two of you.

      Second, he may very well get a tongue lashing from the judge about his addicted friends. Hopefully this will not be brought up in court, as it may lead to criminal charges being brought up. All of that is VERY illegal in Florida.It all depends on how he decides to handle the situation…

      Good luck
      ~Constance

  43. It makes me sick!!!!! Quit trying to make slaves of men and get out and get a job!!! Many men like me are TRAPPED in a god awful marriage because of the stay at home BUM and how the courts will make slaves of us to the lazy ass. IT IS ALL SO WRONG!!!!

  44. You know I am tired of everything. Every man I have been with has been with has been abusive and it has been my fault. I was married to a a man who before I got married who was sweet,romantic, etc. During my marriage he worked two days a week even if it was 40 hours and I worked 40 plus a part-time plus cooked, cleaned, and he made more than me. He got mad at me when I found christ and then started to be better. After I stopped to save my marriage cause I was boring and went back to my old self he cheated on me withguy and then with a couple and brought the girl to my house after he got her pregnant when we were trying to have kids. She aborted it. I asked to go to consuleing he refused. I left. I needed space he within three months started dating my best friend of 20 years cousin and brought her to court in a mini skirt classy. I even after all he did and bringing her to court never even got a lawyer and in the divorce asked for my old name back and he asked to have me pay 2000 to a mutual bill though he made three times the amount I did and I took the whole bill and said sign the divorce papers he hurt me again. It was my fault for marrying him knowing I had doubts. I still have no hard feelings. Half the problem is yours for choiseing them, etc. I had the judge questioning me and the guys there saying they wish their ex’s were like me. I have worked for 14 years sometimes 2 jobs most times. I had a daughter who’s father left and I was working part-time told them I’d leave if I didn’t get full-time and I never had masshealth, wic, or welfare, or section 8 and going to school part-time. I didn’t even make 13 and paid daycare 700 a month to work with no help other than work for a place to live being a nanny and working full-time to support my kid alone as dad wasn’t in the pic

  45. I’ve been married 30 years, our marriage broke down about eight years ago due to his drinking and his having three DUI’s. We have continued to live together in separate bedrooms and have two young adult children in college. He has been a decent provider, we have had separate accounts for some time now with each of us paying bills but he contributes to more with having the larger income. I’m finding it harder to live like this, it’s lonely and I want tomove on with life and get a divorce. I’m 56 and he is 54, he retired a year ago with full benefits and collects a full pension. He also works on the side for cash which I could not prove without putting a lot of extra money into attorney fees which I do not have. I have to work six more years before I can retire and collect my pension which I’m fine with. We live in Michigan and it’s my understanding that pensions are joint property and I have no concern with that but due to the fact that I have to work six more years would I have to pay him part of my annual earnings/weekly pay check to recieve the portion I would receive of his pension? I feel it’s fair that he gets part of my pension also but he’s healty, still young enough and brings in good side money so if he were to be awarded part of my weekly pay it would be very lopsided. Does anyone know how this would play out? I truly can’t afford to have him investigated, I’ve waited for my children to grow up to give them stability of having a family home and what they need and now I’m unsure if I will ever be able to move on. I’m looking for some good sound information and appreciate your advice. Thank you.

  46. I for sure would not marry again, unless the woman made the same amount of money or more then myself.

  47. wow sounds like a bunch of goldigging wenches to me. All women want is money and alimony. Just because you are married to someone does not mean you deserve his money. Women are almost playing the victim role; there are a lot of abusive women out there. Instead of taking other people’s money stand up for yourself and make something of yourself instead of spending tens of thousands of dollars in court fees trying to get it from him. Otherwise women in general will always be playing the golddigging card.

    • Heartbroken says:

      You are a creep…. asking for help to have a place to live isn’t being a gold digger. He has a place and is comfortable… he walked out I didn’t and now I’m left to clean up his mess! While he courts another woman who he has been seeing for awhile. He’s a deadbeat! Why should his family of 27 yrs suffers because he is a COWARD and DEADBEAT! Yet he calls me a crazy, dumb bitch because I am asking for help to get a place to live and assistance to finish my education, while working. He’s the one that didnt pay the mortgage and kept it from me. He’s the one that drew out $7000 dollars from his retirement and left me with the tax bill to pay and im a gold digger because I want him to kept his debt obligations and not stick them with me. How dare you!

  48. Heartbroken says:

    I am a 54 yr old woman who has been married for 27 years. My husband sent me a text message 2 days ago telling me he was filing for divorce. 7 months ago he experienced the loss of a parent and left to assist the remaining parent. Im not trying to be a bitch, but i certainly don’t want to lose what little he is leaving me. I have always worked and most of the time earned more money than him. We filed bankruptcy over 4yrs ago…. those payments came out of my income… over $300 a month. I work an average of 20 – 30 hrs a week but I am only guaranteed 20 hrs. I have been at my job for 22 yrs, so changing jobs is not the best option. I am trying to pursue a college degree so I can get a job with more stable hours. Almost 3 yrs ago my husband lost his job and for 66 weeks he drew unemployeement, sat on his but did nothing but clip the rose bush and drink heavily, become abusive and borrow money from his parents to pay what bills I couldn’t. I worked and went to school full time, maintained a 3.57 GPA. Our mortgage has not been paid for nearly a year, my son and his family have lived with us for 6 yrs, my daughter lives here, and he wants to kick us to the curb and leave us with nothing, so he can be happy in his new life. He has a job working 40 hrs a week, and a house to live in clear and free, and a car clear and free. He has all the luxuries that we will have to give up and I wont even be able to find a place. He is leaving me no place to live, 2 cars that are in serious need of major repairs, household appliances that are broken down or very old and need replacing and contents of the house of broken stuff…. he took anything of value when he left. For all of the marriage he drank….had little ambission

  49. Heartbroken says:

    All i want is some help finding a place and getting on my feet and to allow me to finish my degree… and he isn’t willing to to put it in writing. He says I should take his word for it. He tells me if I don’t sign the divorce papers I will get nothing, he doesn’t want the kids to know and he said if I tell anyone he will stop paying the bills he pays. He says I wont win, and that we have nothing. He is power of attorney for his parents estate and will inherit everything they have. I don’t want those things I only want the help to live as comfortable as he is living. I don’t know what to do… I’m devasted! He told the attorney that I was in agreement and that we talked about it. We never once discussed divorce or anything to that effect. He was drinking at least a six pack a day if not more. I assume his girlfriend is pressuring him to get the divorce. He told me that I wasn’t his family and that he wasn’t doing this to the kids. I have contacted legal assistance but don’t know my options yet. I don’t think its fair of him to expect me to live with less than he has so he can remarry and give his new family a better life than we deserve. He left on the guise of taking care of his parent but he doesn’t do that at all. On his days off he spends it with his new girlfriend away from his sick parent is left alone. I travelled up there every 2 weeks until the car became unsafe to drive long distances. So you can imagine my shock when I got the text. Oh did I mention that he left me a house that is falling apart, to the point the city has come after me for code violations… I don’t have the money to fix it… so I will be fined and put in jail when it doesn’t get done. I’ve asked him for help but he hasn’t sent me any money … only the promise of it. My utilities are due and it exceeds what I get paid. But yet he just bought my daughter a brand new pair of converse and had a new ac unit installed where he lives. The home AC and Heat unit in the house we live in doesn’t work and hasn’t since he left… we use window air and space heater, which is jacking up the utilities cost. I forgot to mention he also drew out his 401 k and left me with the tax liability it. If I discharge the bankruptcy I will gain that money but will lose the car. His comment is then get another job. He couldn’t get one in 2 yrs why would he think I could find one that will work with my current work schedule. I guess he thinks I should work 2 jobs, so he can Welch on his half of the debts … 75% of which he initiated and used. Before this, all I wanted was help… now I think I want whatever I can get and for as long as I can get it. He contributed to the fall of this marriage and blames me…. all I ever did was work towards a better future for both of us. I gave 100% and he never gave more than 50% ever.

  50. I honestly have no idea why any woman would want to marry a man. Men are overwhelmingly simply over-grown children. The vast majority of men are self-involved and focus primarily on sex. With few exceptions, men can’t even balance a checkbook. And, most don’t earn enough money to support their families. They have little to no ambition, not to mention pride, to attempt to acquire a job that pays over $10/hr.

    I own my own business and I make sure all bills are paid and my children are provided for, in every way. I have heard men complain about their exes and about having to pay child support. These men are all basically barflies. They will spent their whole paycheck at the bars drinking and spending money on women who only talk to them for the free alcohol these men buy them. Yet, they bitch about child support! I guess the potential of having sex with another barfly out-weighs the need for a child to feel an inkling of support from ‘dad.’

    Get over yourselves!! If the first woman couldn’t tolerate you, I’ll guarantee the next won’t!! Not for very long, anyway!

  51. Can anyone help me my ex husband Is retiring from the Army wen divorced in 2008 I waved all entitlements not clearly under standing what I signed the divorce was in Kentucky I live in Illinois can I get a Real lawyer to help me get what I am untitled to. He retires in November !! Please some one Help

  52. There’s a lot of bitterness around this subject and understandably so. I think the courts should be fair about it. If a woman gave up her career to take care her husband and children, then yes she’s entitled to alimony. But, if the kids are grown up, that doesn’t mean the woman should just get a free ride while the man has to shoulder the burdens of working. The woman should get a job or go to college. The man should pay what’s fair to support the woman in college, or to supplement woman’s income. How is it fair and just if the man works while the woman gets a permanent vacation?

    In cases where there were no children, then perhaps some alimony for a time period should be paid, but certainly not as much as if the woman gave up her career for the sake of the family. Alimony should not be a ticket to a free ride and it should not enable the ex-wife to be sinfully lazy and irresponsible for her own welfare!

    Who am I? I am a woman who got NO alimony award, and even though I was supposed to get child support, I only got about $3000 total from my deadbeat ex-husband. (The children were 5 & 7 when we divorced). So, I get why some women deserve alimony, but not a FREE ride. Where’s the justice in that!?

  53. i HAD BEEN MARRIED FOR 9 YEARS 10 MONTHS 5 DAYS, BEFORE i MOVED OUT OF OUR HOME. MY HUSBAND FILED FOR DIVORCE 14 DAYS BEFORE OUR TENTH ANNIVERSARY. WE ARE GOING TO TRIAL BECAUSE HE BELIEVES, IT ISN’T A LONG TERM MARRIAGE. THIS IS VERY COSTLY. I LIVE IN CALIFORNIA. I AM NOT SURE IF I SHOULD SETTLE BEFORE TRIAL FOR ALIMONY FOR HALF THE TERM OF THE MARRIAGE OR IF THE JUDGE WILL SEE THIS AS CLOSE TO 10 YEARS. WHAT SHOULD I DO?

    • You’ll need to discuss this with your attorney. There is no way of us knowing what a judge in your community would do, but unless there are extraordinary circumstances involved, such as debilities, I wouldn’t imagine you would get support for much longer than half the marriage, even if it were a few months longer that you had been married.

  54. I am a housewife of 10 years. I have an asperger son. I am also goung through chemo and radiation for stage 3 ampullary cancer. I also had unrelated kidney cancer 16 months ago. My husband decided to tell me yesterday that he is leavung me and divorcing me. If I live more than 5 years Ibwill be lucky as my xancer is very aggressive. I will need alimoney. Have not worked in 20 years and am 46 years old. I believe he owes me alimony. I will get all I can.

    • I am reading ,so many bad history …i am sorry ,you going to get all u can get ,i would like to talk with some make some friends ,i am in the same boat

  55. Oh yeah. I forgot. His whole reasoning for leaving me is so that he xan get a motorcycle and all the thing he can not afford while supporting a family.

  56. Constance says:

    I am posting here because I have slightly more than a complex issue. I married my now ex-husband while he was serving in the reserves. Four years later, he went active duty in 1999. He had 12 years active duty time in when we divorced in 2011. He also had some 11 years six months reserve time in prior to going active duty.

    In 2004, when he was active duty, I was diagnosed with late stage cancer, and I went through grueling chemotherapy treatments for nine months, followed by a massive amount of radiation. I went into remission. I now suffer from complications from having received certain chemotherapy drugs that damaged my nerves and my heart.

    Fourteen years into the marriage, and after my cancer diagnosis, I found out that my military husband who was then traveling all over the world in regards to his military service had been cheating on me for years. Explains why he lost interest in me. I asked for the divorce, but when I spoke to an attorney, he suggested that we formally do a legal separation, and stick it out for a few years, “Staying married on paper”, as then I would be a 20/20/20 military wife… with twenty years of active duty service which he would then have, twenty years married, all twenty years overlapping. That it was crucial because of the state of my health, and because I would need his medical coverage.

    He then (almost immediately after the legal separation was completed) moved his girlfriend to where he was stationed, and began using his BAH to keep her in an apartment near the base. He stopped paying the mortgage on the house, had the utilities turned off ( we had a high school aged child at home) and began making my life miserable. Although I was in no way fit to do so, I went to work, and tried to make my way wanting nothing from him. He filed for formal divorce some six months later. The divorce itself took almost two years. It was very spiteful on his end. He used to bring his girlfriend to mediation sessions, to court procedures and hearings,etc.

    He was active duty when we divorced in September 2011. We had been married nearly 17 years. The judge awarded me spousal support that was to be paid until I die, he dies or I remarry, as he ( the judge) felt that since I was in the condition that I was in I would need the financial assistance to exist . I was ordered to move out of our marital home, and my ex husband short sold it rather than agreeing to remortgage it at current market rate to me, because he didn’t want me to have it. He never paid me a dime in spousal support that was ordered. The judge would not garnish alimony, as by the time the divorce was finalized, our youngest was 18, and no child support was ordered. I brought him to court in 2012, in August, and he told the judge that he was unemployed, left the military and had no income.

    I find out this is a LIE. The department of defense said he did in fact separate from the military, but not until the 26th of September 2012. He had remarried almost immediately after the divorce. He now lives in Hawaii. I am trying to pursue him for the support because I can no longer work. I was let go form my last job because I could not perform the duties expected of me. My neurological problem interferes too much. I am in the process of my Social Security Disability claim.

    Now I don’t know if this plays into anything in this scenario or not, but when I Googled his address in Hawaii… he lives on a military base. I do not know if he re-enlisted in the military once he got out in 2012, or if he now works on the base as a civilian contractor. Neither of us live in the State where we filed for divorce. I am having to use public resources, and am getting food stamps and other public assistance. Something that I would not have to do if I received my spousal support. How do I go about finding out where he works, and pursuing the arrears ( now tens of thousands of dollars) ? I have tried to talk to DFAS, but they said since I am no longer his spouse, they are not allowed to give me that information. Any advice would be greatly appreciated on how to pursue this issue.

  57. I married, divorced married divorce the same man 3 times. This went on for 27 years. Am I entitled to his Social Security Benefits?

  58. I have been married for 17 years, 15 I have been a Homemaker/Caregiver. I have 3 children and my spouse had an injury while he was in the Military. 2 yrs. After our marriage he started the 1st of 18 surgeries on his knee due to the injury. He is now a 90% disabled vet and works Fed Gov. I have no access to finances, and want out. Any I able to receive any of the retirement from Fed gov. He has over 15 years off. Or the VA disability. I have been the one taking care of him and our children?

    • You probably don’t have a property right in the VA benefit since is is paid for disability, but you certainly have a property right in the federal retirement earned while you were married. And of course you are entitled to child support and possibly alimony as well. Consult with an attorney in your area to see what the law is and how you can proceed to get what is due you.

  59. I worked 14 yrs at a business my wife inherited now we are separating am I entitled to anything in calif I was also ceo of the corp now she is selling it

    • If you and she received reasonable salaries for your efforts, then you may not be entitled to anything. If the business grew over the years she owned it because of the efforts you and she put in, then maybe you are entitled to something. It’s definitely a complicated issue in case law, and you’ll want to consult with a competent attorney regarding this issue.

  60. There is no benefit to being married 2 , 10 or 25 years, all its done for me is make me hate all men.
    I’ve been married 46 years and I was married in the afternoon and by the evening I was as good as single again. And the only person I can blame is myself.
    It took him about 10 minutes to have sex with me and that was our first and last time. He left me at our wedding night hotel and went home, told me he had to be at work by 11pm. Since that time he’s lived alone in our basement alone and hasn’ t said more than two words to me per year, (HI and GOODBY) .
    Now I thought I could fix everything and needless to say I ruined my life trying.
    I’m in my mid 60′s and to be honest I just don’t care. I said I should have moved on but I didn’t and I’ve regreted every day, year, minute of my life.

  61. My husband and I have been married almost 28 years, but now he wants a divorce. I’m disabled with Young Onset Parkinson’s Disease and severe depression. He has over the course of a few years an alcoholic, we used to go out and do things together then he got weird and refused and if I went I was labeled a *slut*. I’m an outgoing person considering what disease I have. Anyway he also said I cheated which I didn’t I was talking to a male friend at his house about depression since my spouse doesn’t understand it, isn’t cheating involve sex? we talked a lot but there was no physical contact.

    My Q is am I entitled to alimony and do I have to sell the house, I love the house but he has always hated it actually his motto is and I quote * If it doesn’t concern me I don’t care *

    Please give me any helpful advice that you can, I’ll be so grateful, I’m scared and I don’t know what to do or where to turn.

  62. I have been separated from my husband for 10 years. I walked out because of abuse and was in a battered woman’s program until I got into an apartment. We are both on SSDI. He retired many years ago at the same time he became disabled with MS. At this time we lost our health insurance ( we have 4 children). I went back to school and worked as a mental health counselor so I could provide myself and children with health and dental ins. My husband was able to keep his insurance from his work..now, I am on SSDI for a primary immune disorder, the children are grown and on there own…I have never pursued a divorce. However, recently when I asked him to give me some money to visit my elderly mother, his answer was if you give me sex you can have the money… This infuriated me.. I am wondering if I should look into a divorce.

    • You could pursue a divorce, of course, but perhaps what you should address is the underlying issues of control and money, so perhaps meeting with a mediator to help you work out a more equitable financial situation that doesn’t require you asking him for money would be in order. If you later decide to divorce, you’ll already have your financial plan in place.

  63. The worst person to take legal advice is your ex-husband. Talk to an attorney to see if any of that is true — it doesn’t sound right to me.

  64. Haven't I fulfilled my Obligation? says:

    I was in a marriage for 20 yrs and miserable from the first year forward.We BOTH worked from the beginning. I left 4 times and each time only returned because I had a son (who is in his 30′s today) We separated 13 yrs ago pending a divorce. Court ordered… temp maintenance, sell house and divide up possessions then come back with divorce agreement. We sold house, Gave her everything we owned. I took on all of the credit card debt and pay her maintenance. I also have to pay for her health ins until we divorce and keep her as beneficiary on my life insurance. We came to an agreement and the night before wife was to sign divorce papers she had a stroke. Her attorney told her not to divorce. Let me support her for the rest of her life. She has refused divorce. and will not agree to a LEGAL separation either. She collects maintenance of $200/ week, collects half of my SS, I still provide Health insurance, she receives disability AND has had numerous jobs she’s been “let go” from. While collecting SS and Disability she was working as a home health aid under the table for an elderly woman (who’s son is a local judge) that since passed and may be doing the same now. I think she also volunteers at the local hospice. She owns her own home, car etc. I would like to retire but she has to sign off on that and won’t. If I try to get a divorce she will ask for half of my retirement which I was not entitled to until 3 yrs ago and half of my annuity which was worth less than half of what it is today when we separated. Haven’t I fulfilled my obligation? Who makes the laws in this state.

    • The laws of each state are different, and are made by the state legislature of the state. You will need to contact an attorney to see what your rights and obligations are under the law of your state. In most states, if one of you wants a divorce or legal separation, it will happen. It doesn’t take agreement of both parties.

  65. Michelle says:

    Hi hope you can help with this question. My husband and I have been married 32 years, in Calif, he left a 11 months ago after he was caught cheating, at that time we were married 31 years. It was a shock to say the least. We have no children. I have worked as an nurse, RN, and he works construction. We both brought home about the same income every year give or take a few k. He wants a simple agreeable divorce. I am still very lost, hurt, and angry and find it difficult to think about. He has agreed to give me the house which I owe 19000.00 on and is worth about 250000. This is out of his guilt. He will keep his 401k which is about 60000, and all the “toys” trailer, Harley, quads, ect…I have payed all the household bills and mortgage since he left 10 months ago. He left in June 2013 and in August 2013 I fell and broke my hip, in hospital a week surgery to repair. I broke the same hip and femur two more times by November 2013. I was on Disabilty which has run out now and do not gave any source of income. Still in a wheelchair 50% of the time. My doctors say I need to apply for permanent Disabilty, however I really want to be able to return to work but can’t in my condition. I am NOT taking advantage of any system as I have worked all my life since I was fifteen years old. So after all that, my question is can I get alimony? My husband is now living pay check to paycheck. His rent is as much as my mortgage. He makes about 60k a year and WAS putting 15% in 401k, don’t know if he is now. How could you get blood from a rock if he is barely supporting himself? Sure I want him to feel some pain because of how badly he hurt me. I am now 52 and never thought I would be in this position, I am lost and depressed. I have no more saving so I can’t afford an attorney. Thank you very much hope to read an answer from you soon.

  66. Michelle says:

    There is a big difference now, from 50 k to 0 for me and his has not changed still at least 50k thanks again

  67. kim, ssa employee, retired army, mother, wife says:

    I was taught along time ago, don’t wait for a night in shining armor to take you away on his white horse, you be the night and pick who you want. “For Richer or Poorer” With that being said, I get it when a women feels she let her self worth be dictated by her families needs. Now, its time to get up, get healthy and get strong.

    Follow this recipe and believe me it works:

    1. Surround yourself with positive people
    2. Get your body right by exercise and healthy food choices
    3 Get out of your funk, that man didn’t choose you with funk
    4 Look at your marriage, if you have more bad times then good times get some professional help , council, couples you know who have been married for years, a pastor and maybe even an attorney
    5. Learn something new
    6. Get some new friends and new clothes (even if the marriage is over why look like it hurts)
    7 Reinvent yourself, if you can’t do the job you use to, do one that you can. Example: Nurse, if you can’t work on a hospital floor, teach, supervise health care from you home. Woman with little to know formal education manage something., blog for a check you wrote on this site.

    In short you came here alone, your leaving here alone, but while your here do you!

  68. Im married for12 years now and im planning to divorce my husband .. Im not working since we got married…hes the one working ..am i elligible to get alimony or any benefits.. We have 1 kid shes 12 yrs old does my kid gonna be with me any child support?

  69. My mom is divorced from my father she was married to him more than ten yrs while they were married he was in the vietam war ,she has since re married but her spouse has since past away over four yrs ago. My father now wants to remarry my mom and wants her to get his benfits. My question is does she have to remarry him to be intiled to his Va benfits.

  70. I divorced my husband of 20 years.
    I remarried a man who was divorced after 20+ years.
    His wife has not remarried. (yet)
    If she remains unmarried, what benefits does she qualify for as far as SS benefits and does that affect us? What if my husband passes away – does she get to claim rights to a portion of his benefits?

    • If your husband dies, you get widow benefits equal to the amount he would have gotten under his earnings history if he had lived.
      His former spouse would get surviving divorced spouse benefits, also equal to the amount he would have gotten if he had lived.
      The fact that she is getting those benefits doesn’t affect you.

  71. My Dad is 92 as of 5/3/2014, his wife is 85 as of 4/2014. Currently he is in a rehab unit in a long term care facility. As of 6/11 he has to leave due to Medicare plus he hates the place and so do we. They have a senior apartment and they do not have the care my dad needs so their lease is up the end of June. She told us to find a place where dad go. So we are looking for something. We checked with our local VA but you need to be 70% service connected, he is only 35% Plus she wants a place where she can go with him. She said yesterday if that happens she will divorce him and ask for $100,000. She said she gave all her money away. My dad is so dependent on her because he thinks she is such a wonderful person but we all know different. She will already get his survivor benefits. She lived alone and was able to afford her senior apartment $1600+ other expenses before our dad moved into the building. Please comment ASAP Thanks

  72. dakota smith says:

    I am divorced after a 15 yr marriage. I was remarried after that and became totally permanently disabled and this new husband passed away. I was granted full disability with getting my check and his check because I was 50 at the time of disability and becoming a widow all in the same year so my check both of them together is $1477 a month. Now what I want to know is this, the prior husband of 15 yrs also remarried and still is (17 yrs now) but he is only 55 yrs old and still works making around $4000 a month. Why am I not able to collect money now off of his monthly income? Why do I have to wait until he retires at 65? I need the money now. Also he is a citizen but is thinking of leaving the country for good. What will happen to me getting his check amount if he leaves the country. Thanks

    • When he reaches retirement age and you are also retirement age, you will be eligible for retirement benefits based on his earnings record, if you are not remarried at the time. But it is doubtful those benefits will exceed your widow’s benefits, so you will get widow’s benefits rather that collecting based on your divorced first spouse. Benefits are based on the law, not on your needs.

  73. I have been on SSD for eight years and turned 50 recently – I am divorced – but was married for ten years – will my benefit rate change now that i am 50? – my benefit is based on my work record now – but i read somewhere I should be able to have payment based on his work record. Is that right?

    • Your SSD will continue until both you and he are of retirement age. At that point it will change to a retirement benefit based on your earnings record or a divorced spouse retirement benefit based on his earnings record, and you’ll get whichever benefit is higher.

  74. This will sound stupid, but here goes: I was married to my first husband over 10 years. He is now deceased and I want to draw off his Soc. Sec. benefits. However, I cannot recall the name of the city we got married in!! And you have to know that to file for SS benefits as survivor. But it was almost 50 years ago, so that is my only excuse. I know it was in North Carolina, but cannot recall the city! How can I find out?

    • Did Social Security Administration personnel tell you that you need to know what city you were married in? If so, tell them that you don’t remember, and see if there is something else you can do.

  75. In response to the question about the new wife being upset because her spouse has to pay alimony to her, all I have to say is that she was with him first. You knew this when you married him, so deal with it lady. I am disabled and my x has been ordered to pay me maintenance and I haven’t seen a dime from him. The state of Washington is so behind they don’t even require these low life bums to give them their new addresses for contact and the judges there will return guns to guys in domestic violence cases that say they are going to blow their wives’ brains out. They order you to sign quit claim deeds on your homes and when the bums don’t make the house payments, it affects your credit when you had nothing to do with it going into foreclosure. When they sell community property ;when they have been court ordered not to, the judges don’t even slap their hands. If you have a judgment on a home that you have been court ordered to sign a quit claim on, and it finally sells, guess what, the judgment doesn’t mean crap. Everything in this state is backward. The only people that benefit in this state if a person has to hire an attorneys to protect themselves is the legal system itself and all involved but the people paying the attorneys.

  76. WA law sucks. They won’t even enforce their own laws. I say lock the bums up and let them rot. Talk about irresponsibility. This goes for the judges and the bums that we marry.

  77. just some guy says:

    Women seem entitled to a man’s wallet and earnings both during marriage and after.

    I have an idea about partnership and equality, try thinking about your situation with the gender roles reversed.

    Deadbeat non-working husband, in the form a of a woman this is called a “housewife”.

    Abusive male behavior, in the form of a woman, this is called shrewish bitch with-holder of sex.

    I dropped a “housewife” of almost 20 years and I have never been happier after removing this parasite from my life. The wife never had a job, we didn’t have kids, she didn’t cook and cleaned just enough to not be embarrassed. The sex was better than nothing, but usually reserved for a few times a month. Not that being romantic wasn’t initiated more frequently by myself, but it was always too, tired, cold, hot, busy, head hurts, cramps, etc.

    She tried to bring up the idea of alimony forever and I said, go ahead and try, this is Texas. You just need to prove that you are incapable of earning your own way!

    I used one of women’s two powers against her. Women have the power of sex and the power of shame. I shamed her into dropping the threat of alimony because she was a dependent child for our entire marriage not a fully functioning adult and partner!

    I’m now a Man Going Their Own Way MGTOW. I’m that 47 year old guy with the paid off sports car, nice motorcycle, a house, a great job, great friends, fun hobbies, disposable income, retirement accounts, no debt and I can choose the women I interact with and most are disgustingly materialistic and looking for a white knight to save them from their piles of consumer debt.

    When I find a woman that doesn’t look at my paycheck as her prerogative, I think I might have found Mrs. Right, but until then they will just be Mrs. Right Now! Funny how being tall, not in bad shape and with more than the average amount of money makes the panties drop.

    Take notes here kids, the 18yo male geeks turn into successful men 20 years later, while the 18yo prom queens squeeze out a few pups and start to show their mileage 20 years later!

  78. Reverse mortgage equity low,will need additional 1200.00 monthly to maintain my home. Married 30 yrs. to serviceman. Can I obtain financial aid from government?

  79. There is no benefit to be married 10, 25 or 45 years all my years have been the same. Married 56 years and since day one my husband has no interest in me at all. We did have sex once he told me it was disgusting to the point of puking, no excitement, to much effort for so little, no real meaning. And he didn’t understand what people saw in such a messy, smelly act. No THANKS!!! So hes lived in our basement since day one and worked the mid night shift all holidays. weekends and has never been home for a special occasion. Welcome to my world! In our mid 60′s now and really don’t care about me or him. Sad but true!!!!!!

  80. What about a structured settlement, if we have been married 10 years and he just sold part of it am I entitled to any of it? This man has stolen so much money from me and been using meth off and on our whole marriage and all of a sudden is leaving me to get help instead of fixing our marriage. He’s pushing me away and giving me no options but to move on by myself. Neither of us have filed yet but it’s gonna happen, can you give me any advice?? I’m still in love with him and he’s abandoning me.

    • You’ll need to consult an attorney in your area about the laws that govern structured settlements and funds received during marriage. To prevent him squandering the rest of it, you may have to file for divorce so you can get the court’s protection.

  81. Why Ginita Wall, CPA CFP Exemplifies the Need for Family Law Reform says:

    Thank you Ms. Wall for confirming why Family Law Reform is critical. Ladies and Gentlemen, Ginita’s advice is not only discriminatory but an example of severe gender bias. Her background in itself will confirm her personal and complex behavior issues with this issue. I’ll be including her information in an upcoming column to bring forth awareness as to why her logic and advice is skewed and nothing more than destructive for the higher earning spouse, gender neutral. Lastly, I’m sure some of the Military men and women who fought in the war for our benefit would not appreciate her rather scathing remarks on Military garnishments. Again, thank you Ms. Wall, your destructive advice as a CPA destroying men, women, children, extended family members and society will be publicized. Please seek professional assistance.

    • In most states spouses have a mutual duty to support each other — this is by operation of law, and not a matter of personal opinion or gender bias. The rules about military pay are set by the government, and anyone in the military or married to someone in the military needs to know what they are. The laws apply to both sexes, are set by law, and are not a matter of personal opinion or gender bias.

      Of course you are entitled to your opinion — we all are. If you believe that the laws of the states and federal government are destroying individuals, families and society as a whole, then it is your civic duty to work to do something about it. Ranting about your dissatisfaction here accomplishes nothing.

  82. Hello,
    First of all, this is for Wonen only article?
    I am having a divorce and she put it on a paper that we lived for 9years and 5months. She took all the money from joint account and even she wants a 100% custody of my child.
    I have not seen her for a month and her mother and she is brainwahing here that I am a bad bad person.
    Let me tell you someting here. All the ladies out there if you loved your husband so much than you would not care of how much I am getting after or before 10 years. Divorice is not win win game, man and woman both are loosing. I have no right to say this since I am having a divorce but we had a pretty happy family until she was in depression. Nothing worked and her emotion changes consitantly but I was always with her. Please If you thinking about divorce and thinking about what can we get after or before 10 years and TITLE is kind of funny saying “what is the benefit” come on Men are not a bank!!
    Divorce is a last thing and it is not a good one since both parties loosing not winning!

  83. connie d. says:

    I was married to my husband of 17 yrs and 10 months in Calif. I file for divorce on June 6-14 before he moved to Mont on June 13-14. He is in the National Guard for 18 1/2 yrs I didn’t work because I took care of my disable daughter. I was hurt on the job 1997 and had three surgeries. I have Cancer but it’s asleep r/now and other medical problems. He will not tell me where he works but I know where he lives. I will be asking for retirement pay. can I get spouse support, if so, can it go with me if I move out of Calif, to another state? How long will can I get it or ask for it, if I am in another state. I did get a job but will not be the amount that my husband makes. I am on GR but I will be loosing that when I state because I will make more then they allow but not enough to get a place of my own. Thanks

    • Yes, you are probably eligible for spousal support, since he makes more that you do and you do not earn enough to cover your needs and were in a long term marriage. Once support has been ordered, he must pay it to you no matter where you move to. Ask your attorney, but you will likely get support for as long as you need it and he has the ability to pay. At the point that you can earn enough to cover your needs, support would probably not continue.

  84. My now husband and I lived together for 8 years and them he got hurt on water and collected settlement money from jones act. Now we are married What do I get

    • When he dies you’ll get the portion of his estate that he leaves to you or that the law entitles you to. If you divorce, you’ll get whatever your state law provides, which may be support based on the income from the property if you need support. If you stay married, then you and he likely have a mutual obligation to support each other under state law, so that’s what you get.

  85. Ava Llee Marie says:

    My husband and lived together for 10 years before we were married. I moved into a house he was building and we lived there for 5 years. I had two both boys from a previous marriage and we had a daughter together during the 10 years we lived together. We moved into a new house, he put the house in his name only , we were married when our daughter was 7 yrs old, our kids were our wedding party. My husband has always been extremely controlling but thought marriage may change that until he presented me with a pre-nup 3-4 days before our wedding (this is after 10 years together and having a daughter who is now 7). I was shocked, if I didn’t sign it he said wedding was off. I should not signed but found myself crying in an attorneys office days before our wedding with friends and family that I planned myself. Yes I signed under duress and it put a damper on everything after. I understand the prenup was not signed in the time frame to be valid but I think they changed the date to reflect a valid time frame. I thought marriage would change things but actually made it worse.
    We have been married now for over 12 years so 22 years total living together. He has never had a joint account with me, he controls everything, including the gas for our cars and the food we buy
    . I have worked as a realtor, event planner and in marketing. I am on a commission based job right now but have taken care of the house, have paid for all the shutters, most furniture, custom paint etc. Over the past few years i have been very unhappy but have held off divorce because of our daughter, she’s now in college but commuting from home. I cannot take his demanding, unfair and controlling ways anymore ( I could write a shocking book on but thats another story.) I have no money, he destroyed my credit over the years by taking control of my credit cards and then not paying them, he dribbles out money only as needed for very basic things. I had enough and to court to file papers but have no money of my own, because when I did have money I took care of my bills, food etc to avoid the demeaning task of having to ask him. I want a divorce, but we live in California, the house is in his name only, I have no money, bad credit. Do I have any right at all to this house? I am filing papers and using a fee waiver because personally I have nothing, will my daughter and I have to move out of the house? I know he will become even more vengeful and impossible to live with once he is served but I have no where to go, I have already waited too long and am suffering emotionally which has caused me some physical problems as well. I’m in my mid 50′s now and not getting any younger…Please advise.

    • Talk to an attorney about your rights in the house. You may need to go to court to get orders giving you the right to continue to live there with your daughter, and you definitely have a financial interest in the house. Don’t let your husband tell you what are and are not your rights. Find out the law. There are also a number of books out there that you can read, such as “How to Do Your Own Divorce in California” and other books about California law. Bone up — this is your life we’re talking about, so you need to take control, no matter what.

  86. Ava Llee Marie says:

    PS WE have spoke of divorce in the past, yet he threatens that no court or attorney is going to tell him what to do or how much money to give me. He will beat the system, he will file bankruptcy or do what it takes even if that means beating up the attorney in the parking lot and going to jail. I know for fact that he as gifted money to a friend and maybe his brother to hold as well as opened a joint account with his mother. He constantly tells me he’s borrowing money to pay bills,from where??? he makes over $200k a year has a company paid BMW 750 . I have driven a Honda now for 7 years and not complaining. But from what he has put me and the children though over the years and dealing with his temper scares me of what he might do??.

  87. hi well let me seeiv been married for 40 years and my husband is cheating on me and has for many years we are both retired and he has two retiremints and ssi I make about 1500 he gets 3000 a month we own a home but owe 2 3rds what its worth I live in California am I entitaled to an support if I devorce

    • If the retirement and pension was earned during marriage then you are probably entitled to half of them as part of the property settlement. Once you have divided the retirement is divided, your income will likely be pretty similar, so neither of you would owe support to the other.

  88. How can I find out if I am entitled to part of my ex-husband’s pension from the Teamsters? We were married 32 years and have been divorced for 13 years. I am remarried now. We both live in Colorado. I am unsure of what information you need.

    • Your husband’s pension should have been dealt with in your divorce decree, so look at that document to see what it says. Whatever you agreed on is what is determinative. If it wasn’t dealt with in your divorce, then it is an after-discovered asset, and you’ll need to take legal steps to open up your divorce to deal with this asset.

  89. My friend is battling for breast cancer for 5 years now
    and the cancer is no cures..she was married for her husbabd
    for nearly 10 years..suddenly there married is gonna end
    because he found a new woman who he got his personal
    needs as a man..at the moment they are in a situations
    of processing the property settlements. He offering
    her $25,000 as he said thats the amount that she is eligible
    because of her condition that she is not gonna live for
    long..
    My question are the law different on because of her condition? Or she should be treated same as the other weman who get the rights
    of a normal wife gets for divorse..she did not work
    since the got married as he wished not to..they had
    one child. She is stating in WA Australia.
    Thanks.

    • I doubt the laws are different because of her condition. She should talk to an attorney instead of taking legal advice from her soon-to-be husband.

    • Similar story with my neighbor. She was diagnosed with breast cancer and her husband decided he wasn’t going to stay in the marriage some 10 years ago.

      She told me this gave her a reason to fight to not give him the satisfaction. She is now cancer and a-hole free!

      It can be tough, especially in the 5th year. My mom was taken by ovarian in 2010 after a 6 year battle. My prayers are with you and your friend.

      I’m looking at a divorce myself. Turns out my wife has Covert NPD, aka closet narcissist. I was an abused 6’4 275lb man and didn’t even realize it… Really. A lot of the discussions I’ve read are male vs female, but the sad reality is it is the selfishness in all of us that drives the behavior…

  90. I need help,married 27 years,I’m on disability for 16 years and have been dependent on my husband. I moved out in March due to repeated verbal, mental,and physical abuse.. I’m bipolar and on meds. My ss disability check is 1022.00 ..He’s income is 87,000.00 year. Please tell me if I can get alimony..He says he will file bankruptcy and let the house go into foreclosure if I try to get alimony….Help please advise me…I’m very afraid of what he will do

  91. Calpernia says:

    I have been married for 11 years to someone who was unfaithful and I left after our second year of marriage. During which time we dated other people and I had a child with someone else. We are both from California but married in Hawaii. He served four years in the military during our marriage and is now a cop in California. Am I still entitled to receive benefits?

  92. Calpernia says:

    And if I am what are they?

  93. Hello
    Nice article. Question. Our relative, she was married say 18 years, her husband leaves her and divorce final 7/24 however his mom died 6/21. Turns out now he will get like 15k from the sale of the house. Will she get anything from it since the death was prior and they were married so long?

  94. I was married for 15 years. We agreed to spousal support for half the duration of the marriage, which coinsidentaly terminated when my youngest turned 18. It has been 14 years since our divorce. All obligations were fullfilled. Met a wonderful man. Considering marriage,…but hesitate because in his decree….spousal support ( which is currently -0-). is under the juridiction of the court until remarriage of his ex or death of both parties. Divorced for 6 years…He was only married 9 years and his son is now 18. Is there any way to get this open ended SS modification terminated. I don’t want to be in a marriage where I worry about suddenly having to pay spousal support just because his ex suddenly becomes unable to work, or we come into some money.

  95. I guess I’m one of “those” women that need alimony. My husband up and left a year and a half ago for another woman, married 22 years. My house burned down last summer, insurance paid for rent but that ran out. I have no car, only an 8th grade education. I was working as a waitress/bartender when we met and theearly years iof our marriage, then we had kids, he wanted me to stay home with the kids, I did, took care of them and him, I was very good at being a wife and mother. Shortly after our last left for college, he left me for a woman in his carpool. I’m 50, no job skills, no education, I have no money, I can’t even get a lawyer to even try to get a divorce and alimony and he won’t file for divorce because he doesn’t want to give me anything. Not all women are horrible gold diggers, I thought we’d be together till death, now I’m stuck with no way to get him to help me.

  96. I am married not a legal separated to a Canadian in Canada. I am back living in the states. I am an American citizen. I can’t afford all these doctor bills and hospital bills. I am try to pay them off. We own a oil business in Canada and I am not getting any money. I am half owner. It would cost me $8000.00 just to hire a lawyer. I don’t have that kind of money. Can he legally pay for my doctor bills or at least part of them. He sitting pretty with all the monies. Making easy 300-400 thousand year, I am working two jobs at 14 an hour. I am still not making it and living in a 5th wheel. I left because, he beat the hell out of me and stalked me. It is all reported to and photos were taken. What are my rights?

  97. My husband and I have been married for 11 years. We are currently in bankruptcy due to his inability to keep a job. I’ve worked for the last 9 years in a government job. He recently stopped helping me pay any of the bills. It hard because right now I’m on disability OWCP because I was injured on the job. I trying to get a divorce, but I’m currently paying EVERYONE accept half the mortgage. I need help! How can I file for divorce and pay for an attorney with little to no money. I’ve talked to my bankruptcy and suggest that I stay, until completed. But he’s become violent to my daughter his stepdaughter who is 19 going to college. What can I do?

  98. I have been married 11 years. I have been googling this question and can’t seem to find an answer. Husband has self directed IRA. He had around 300k when we married and it has since gone up 200k plus. If we divorce am I entitled to the gains since first married. ( This is not a 401k) This would equal about 100, half of the gains. Am I correct in assuming this? I have not contributed to this account and could not because it had to remain in his name only. Does a self directed IRA need a QDRO? I live in California a community property state. Thank you!
    Diane

    • If no funds have been contributed to the account since you married, then the account is entirely his separate property and you do not have any interest.

      An IRA does not require a QDRO.

      • I just want to be clear about this. No contributions have been made, but it has grown over 11 years by 200k or more. I am not entitled to half of gains? yikes! I am on it as beneficiary for all of it. But would only have asked for half of the gains. He can just take me off as beneficiary any time he wants, as well? Because it is entirely his according to law? Oh this is not good. So even in a community state, gains are not divided in a self directed IRA ( thank you so much for taking the time to answer) I just want to make absolutely sure, as a lot is at stake. I think I am toast!

        Diane

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