The Twelve Financial Pitfalls of Divorce

An excerpt from the seminar “Second Saturday: What Women Need to Know About Divorce

ParachuteEach year, nearly 2.8 million men and women go through the emotional and financial trauma of divorce. During divorce, many women are concerned about financial survival—and with good reason. Studies show that in the first year after divorce, the wife’s standard of living may drop almost 27 percent while the husband’s may increase by as much as 10 percent.

Many factors combine to lower women’s standard of living after divorce. Child support may not be adequate to cover the true costs of child rearing, and she might have lost many important years of career growth, making it difficult for her to get back on her feet after divorce.

Advance planning goes a long way. By familiarizing yourself with the twelve financial pitfalls of divorce, you can save yourself a lot of heartbreak—and hassle—in the future.

1.  Not enough cash. Expenses will begin to mushroom as soon as the divorce process starts. Legal fees, court costs, therapist bills, new living expenses, and myriad other costs will drain your financial resources. Money previously used to support one household must now stretch to support two. If you are contemplating divorce, now is the time to begin amassing the funds you’ll need to stay afloat.

2. Too little preparation. Divorce is a long, complicated process that requires careful preparation. Before you jump in head first, consult with legal and financial professionals and read books about the subject. Think about the timing of the separation: Is your husband due a bonus or other windfall in the near future? Don’t separate until after it arrives, so it will be community property. Think about Social Security: If you’ve been married nine years, you might want to stick out the last year, so you can collect on your ex’s earnings record. Finally, don’t just pack your bags, load up the kids, and drive away in a car that needs four new tires. Before you separate, buy the clothes you’ll need, perform maintenance on the car, and fix the kids’ teeth.

3. No records. The three most important words during divorce are: document, document, document. Try to obtain copies of all financial records before your divorce begins. Make a clear copy of all tax returns, loan applications, wills, trusts, financial statements, banking information, brokerage statements, loan documents, credit card statements, deeds to real property, car registration, insurance inventories, and insurance policies. Also, copy records that you can use to trace your separate property, such as an inheritance or gift from your family. These assets will remain yours as long as you can document them. Copies of your spouse’s business records can be a treasure map showing you where the hidden assets are buried.

4. Overlooking assets. Don’t overlook any assets—half of everything is yours! Even if you don’t want an asset, it can be used to trade for something you do want. Inventory safe deposit boxes; track down bank and brokerage accounts; review pay stubs, retirement plans, and insurance policies. If your spouse’s business generates a lot of cash, engage a forensic accountant to look for telltale signs of additional income. Don’t overlook hobbies or side businesses that might have expensive equipment or generate income. If you have a PHT degree (Putting Honey Through), you might be entitled to some reimbursement for the cost of his tuition.

5. Ignoring tax consequences. Should you take monthly alimony or a lump sum? Should you take the brokerage account or the retirement plan? Should you keep the house or sell it now? Who should pay the mortgage until it sells? Don’t ignore the hidden tax costs of divorce in making these decisions. Your situation may require some calculation by an accountant to determine if you are really getting the best deal. And, if there’s a chance that your past joint tax returns omitted income or overstated deductions, you may want to seek an indemnification clause to protect yourself if the IRS decides to audit.

6. Ignorance is bliss. During divorce, ignorance is certainly not bliss—instead, it can be very, very expensive. Don’t be a passive observer of your own divorce. Doing as much as you can by yourself will help you recover more quickly from the divorce because you will have a healthy sense of control over the process, be focused on practical things, and be working with your ex to get things done. Also, taking an active role in the negotiations will help you to reach a better settlement than “letting the attorneys handle it.” You will have less conflict and litigation after the divorce, better compliance from your ex, and better sharing of information about the children. Your attorney may give you legal advice, but all of the decisions are ultimately up to you.

7. Mixing money and emotion. During this trying time, it’s easy to confuse your feelings with the facts. Try to be as dispassionate and businesslike as possible. View your attorney as a paid professional rather than a friend or confidante. When your grief is overwhelming, go home or to a friend’s house, not to your attorney, who is billing you at his normal hourly rate. Make property division decisions based on your own long-term best interest, not out of revenge. It won’t make you happy to declare war on your ex. Make an effort to bring the divorce to a successful conclusion with as little rancor as possible. A nasty divorce benefits only the attorneys.

8. Not fighting for what’s yours. Women tend to be supportive and sensitive to the needs of others, to build bridges, and to “make nice.” These tendencies often get in our way during divorce. Divorce is about survival, not making friends. You have to insist on getting what you need and deserve. Even if you hope that you will eventually be able to reconcile with your ex, don’t bend over backwards to make it happen. Stand up for yourself and get your share. If you reconcile, that’s fine. If you don’t, you’ll still be able to take care of yourself financially.

9. Not taking control. Going through a divorce can sometimes make you feel like the captain of a leaky boat on stormy seas—there seems to be a new crisis at every turn. Use this time of upheaval to start taking control of your life. Vow never to worry in the dark—if you can’t sleep, turn on the light, pick up a pencil and paper, and write down your worries. Then, you can go back to sleep and deal with them first thing in the morning. Also, try to get a lump-sum whenever possible so you control the cash. Listen to your attorney, but make your own decisions. This is your divorce—so take control of the process!

10. Not being ready for the worst. During divorce, prepare yourself mentally for the worst that can happen. How will you cope if your children get sick? If you have to move in with your parents? If the divorce lasts for years and you lose all of your money? If your ex remarries within two weeks, moves to Tahiti, and/or refuses to pay any support? Plan for the worst so what actually happens will seem easy by comparison. Don’t panic and let your fears rule your life. Face them, and take control.

11. Not developing a career. Many women put their careers aside to concentrate on their families. After divorce, you will probably need to figure out a way to support yourself and your children. Divorce is an excellent time to get some career counseling at the local job center, university, or community college. Prepare for the expense of tuition and books while you get your career on track. Remember: there’s nothing like  new knowledge and a fulfilling career to bolster your self-esteem.

12. Not getting good professional advice. Right now, you need all the help you can get! Divorce can be very complicated, so don’t try to do it all yourself. Hire an attorney who can give you excellent advice—even if he or she isn’t the most inexpensive. Engage a forensic accountant if you think there might be hidden assets. Find a good therapist to help you emotionally. Hire a divorce financial professional to help determine the best settlement options for you. Don’t skimp now on matters that will affect the rest of your life.


358 thoughts on “The Twelve Financial Pitfalls of Divorce”

  1. Hi I married in community of property, the house we staying in is my late fathers house and the title deed has not changed,it is still in my fathers name,what will happen if we get divorce

    1. If you get divorced, the community property that is in your names will be divided between you. If you inherited your father’s house, it will likely be mentioned as property that belongs to you as your separate property.

  2. With the proceeds of one of my properties sold I bought the house. I did under my family trust. We were only married for 8 months at that time and one year and 4 months later we are divorcing and not talking. (On his end.) He left the house first and I file for the divorce 2 months later. He did some repairs (labor only) while he was here. I am in FL, my attorney is not very clear I keep asking but she talk in terms I don’t understand and charges for every answer , now is saying we need a mediator and no one is available until probably November. Is this a way of trying to extend the process? Will he has the right to claim a portion of my share of the house or just the labor? Sorry for the long question

    1. It sounds like you sold a property you had before marriage and used the proceeds to buy another house. In many states that would be separate property, for the most part, though there may be a small marital interest for improvements, mortgage principal paid and the like. I don’t know the law in Florida. You might want to find a Second Saturday workshop near you and ask your question of the attorney there. Go to and click on “Find a Workshop Near Me.”

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  6. What can you do when an ex-wife, who wants to squeeze every last drop of life and cash from you, still wants more? A friend of mine was married to a horrendous (in my opinion) woman I’ll call Beth. She married him for his money and, despite a prenup, she got it. But that’s not enough. Now she’s posting libelous comments with his picture on sickening websites to discredit a really good guy. Can he take legal action? One of the websites isn’t working but a search engine search brings it up with enough bad comments to be harmful, despite the link being dead. Thoughts?

    1. In general, somewhere you can find an attorney who is willing to sue most anyone about most anything. But before your friend decides to throw money down that particular rathole, he probably should consider what he is trying to accomplish. If he is trying to surpress that post, he should consider who he needs to sue to have that happen. All the “sickening websites”? The website that isn’t working? All the search engines? That sounds really expensive and futile to me, from what I’ve read, but I’m no expert in such things. I guess he could sue his ex for having posted those comments in the first place, but given that our airwaves are filled with discussions these days of what does and doesn’t consititute first amendment rights, he should know that he might have to argue his case all the way up to the US Supreme Court to get a definitive answer. And even then, what does he gain? Bankrupting himself and his ex? Is that really worth it?

  7. Wowser so many comments. And at first glance somuch good advice. But “Is your husband due a bonus or other windfall in the near future? ” assume your husband is the main income earner. Whic personally is kind of insulting.

    1. Hmmm. I totally get your point, but take the case that you may be taking a narrow view of what the article says. This section of the article is about what the reader is entited to from her spouse’s earnings. The reader may very well have a bonus coming, but that isn’t the focus of this article.

  8. Help please …my husband over a year from day 1 has lied .1st off I live in a separate home cause he.lives with another woman ..thought I was moving there he only says she will be moving..made me quit job to work at his business ..comes visit on saturday and Sunday 2 hrs each day ..has me on a monitoring app every move money but what he gives ..but owns lots of property a well established business alot of stock and different I entitled to any of this

    1. You likely are not entitled to any of the wealth he had when you married him. But if he has earned money from working during the marriage, you may be entitled to a portion of whatever he saved from those earnings. And you may also be entitled to support until you can get back on your feet and become self-supporting again.

    1. Not true. In BC canada I have a few friends where the father never paid up or where one had held funds in a trust for the child. When it was asked of him to pay a college fee with the trust fund of child maintenance payments , the nudge agreed he could kerp it to use for his kids that live with him, so the court order of child support for his first wifes child was revoked after 19 the first mom got nothing for child maintenance then…

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  11. Me and my spouse is going through a divorce he let a 19 year. Old drive a truck we bought together but the loan and title was in his name well the boy total it out the insurance paid off the loan and more he got a new car am I entitled to some of the payoff money since we was married


  13. Appreciate all your stories but this article just insulted me. Was I the only one who saw this was written as the woman being the caretaker and not the provider? What century are you living in? I suppose you can just reverse the roles to make it apply but as the reader and having roles reversed, I just thought these poor moms! Can’t say I felt the same for my ex husband.

    1. You are right, this article is written from the standpoint of the male being the primary breadwinner, which is true in the majority of marriages, even in this century. But we do recognize that more and more women are earning a significant portion of the family’s income. Fortunately, the laws are (supposed to be) gender neutral, so if you are the primary breadwinner, you can reverse the roles in the article.

  14. This point was written for me 🙂

    10. Not being ready for the worst. During divorce, prepare yourself mentally for the worst that can happen.

    * How will you cope if your children get sick? -> my daughter got hospitalized 6 times since divorce.

    * If you have to move in with your parents? –> We did move, although not with my parents, because they are both dead.

    * If the divorce lasts for years and you lose all of your money?
    –> 2.5 years now, $12K in and I ran out of money. Now I am representing myself.

    * If your ex remarries within two weeks,
    –> he remarried within 1 year (even before our divorce was final)

    * moves to Tahiti,
    —> he moved to Thailand

    * and/or refuses to pay any support?
    –> definitely fighting it, and taking my business income away from me.

    Trial is next week. I am hoping for justice, and will be fighting for it for my kids.

  15. I just want a divorce. I want my name off of the mortgage, divide the knick knacks, keep our respective retirements and be done. For 2 years he stopped paying bills, refused to tell me the truth, has been having and affair, and is sending her money while I have been having to fend for myself with nothing. I had a lung removed and have been out of work since. The debt piles up and there is nothing I can do.

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  17. I’ve been married and the major bread winner 100% of our 24 yrs. With the exception to my discharge from the military I probably still made more on underemployment. From year roughly 17-20 she was out of work fighting to get Disability SSD were in order to stay afloat I cashed in a chink here and there from my retirement until she won her case and was awarded a back payment for herself and our 4 kids in excess of the mid to high 20 thousands. I didn’t ask to be reimbursed not require my cut. Reason being we just got into our stage of her sneaking online with a friend back home in Tx which escalated to a full on plan to run off with my kids in the middle of the night on a 1800 mile ride and let me know after they got there. I busted that up along with many other on again off against with the same guy. Email accounts, secret chat apps , pre paid phone 3 times over 3 1/2 years. I’d only catch her when I’d see the signs again and start looking, snooping, recording etc. I’d hear the vile things about me then to my face I’m a man amongst men a super hero. Well to my point and situation.
    I have been secretly scraping and saving to pay off cards, loans and also borrowed from my 401k to all but eliminate my card debt, house is paid off and my only debt now is 4700 loan and the last 16k on my truck. On the other hand she as stated above only gets SSD once a month 900 for her and 450 I believe for kids. I ask for 1000 towards household expenses and do what you will and end up giving some back because she has amassed I’m estimating 20k in card debt in her name only as my card are in my name only also. On a side note my mother put a worldwide on my side lot but only land is mine house is hers she is retired and spent all her 401k to do this so I could take care of her. My 401k minus the 12k I borrowed is 60k where do I stand on getting a good reaming from a divorce having been the good guy, good credit always on time with not much extra having been at a mediocre job for 20 yrs. Now stuck with this woman with rabbit in her blood?

    1. Stop being a nice guy you’re not promised anything for it. Before you go hiring an expensive lawyer, try just filing pro se with the court and just work it out between you two.. use her infidelity as your defense. Child support is just a financial statement in her favor since she makes less. Still have to determine the living arrangements and once you do, she won’t have the right to take the kids on a whim anymore unless you agree to it. Alimony is required after 10 years. The good news is you’ll qualify for SSDI payments once you’re divorced because you were married more than 10 years. Make sure you request it – no one is going to tell you to. Your benefit has nothing to do with her benefits or your children. All you are to her now is the father of the children. That’s an important relationship to keep right, more important than the marriage ever was. Make sure you remind her of this. Good luck.

      1. Janice is giving thoughtful advice based on what she knows about the way the law works in her state. If you are reading this, please realize that may not apply to your situation in your state. For example, in the majority of states which are no-fault, infidelity is not a defense against anything. In many states alimony is provided even for marriages that last less than 10 years. And the rules about Social Security Disability Income (SSDI) are very specific to your situation and generally are not impacted by the length of your marriage.

  18. K. Adalenia Matelonis

    It’s Important to find out if the State you live in, is a 50/50 division State or an Equitable State. Michigan is and Equitablestate, it goes to the Judge, which is so very important if your spouse has made one of the “Twelve Biggest Mistakes Men/Woman Make when Divorcing” There is a show sectio on it on the Web ad it is very helpful and informative. The “High Road” is by far the best to take. I have had a year researching all aspects of Divorce from both sides and there is so much simple information on what to do and NOT to do to come out healthy, secure and in time happy.

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  20. I just got married to my boyfriend for 7 years…. we were in living relationship for 7 years… i paid all my rent, bills half and he paid other half… its never like i have used his money…
    He got permanent residency by getting married to me and the day he got permanent residency he totally changed…. he want my paycheque to be deposited into his account and then he wants to manage everything and he said whenever my parents come and visit me or i go back home i am not allowed tk buy any gifts for them…

    But on other hand he buy expensive gifts for his family and he send money to his family back home every month…

    I feel like he only used me for permanent residency and for my paycheques…

    I want to divorce him and I don’t want anything from him but i want him to give me divorce i khow he is only with me because he thinks if he will go for divorce it will cost him everything and he dont want to give me single penny

    Is it possible if i tell him i dont need anything but divorce ??

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  22. Desiree Washington

    My husband has a mental illness, is very angry and out for blood.
    He said he wanted an amicable divorce, hired a collaborative attorney, won’t let his own attorney offer our counter offer and now wants to win his war in litigation.
    I have been on the end of his whipping post for 6 months and can’t imagine having to continue with no voice, no say so but just more of his viciousness and wanting to take us down any way he can.
    Is there some way to Petition the court or some alternative to his exacting strategy to hurt me.
    I live in Illinois which is an equitable state.
    Thanks for any insights.

    1. Maybe I caught mine early enough to just ask and grant him what he wants without hiring lawyers. It costs so much more to live apart why is he throwing so much $ away? I get you can’t reason with him but it’ll be over in 3 months without hiring attorneys. Staying in a marriage has its financial benefits. Take the emotion and expectations out of it. Expectation that he’ll remain loyal.. throw him off and be willing to renegotiate the terms of your marriage/relationship. If he continues down this path, he’ll put you both in financial ruin.

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  24. I am looking for advise, help, support you name it I need it. My Husband of 13 years just moved out on April 12th, 2017. I had no warning, no advance notice, nothing. We had been having trouble for the last year. In 2008 I had a work related accident which damaged my spine, and my Frontal Lobe. I feel backwards into a concrete wall while carrying a dog on a blanket stretcher from the parking lot of an Animal Hospital where I was a Veterinarian Assistant. This resulted in Cervical Fusion in 2009 & 2010 of my C3-C7 vertebra’s, which they did in two surgeries and i have 2 titanium plated in my neck. I was having difficulty with my work as the time went on. My emotions, feelings, thought process, and overall way of thinking was different. I had been a Hospitality Manager for 11 years prior, and was A General Manager when I met my Husband in 2003. The accident occurred in August of 2008. In February of 2011 I was sent down state Neurol Psychologist for testing. The tests proved and diagnosed a “closed head injury”, with permanent frontal lobe brain damage. I went on SSDI ,on permanent disability. Ever since then I have had time focusing, emotions, and have been seeing a counselor since who has succeeded in helping me with dealing with it and acclimate to it. In September of 2015 I fell and broke my tailbone and damaged my lumbar and sacreal spine which resulted in 2 lower lumbar surgeries, March and May, 2016. I found out that he had been planning all of this since September of 016. He is retired from the USCG 23 years, and currently gets his retirement pay, and disability from the USCG. Currently he a U.S. Customs and Border Protection Officer. He has been employed with them since 2009. When he left he closed all of are joint accounts, cancelled his disability check deposit to my checking where it has been deposited sin 2009 when he started receiving it. He now deposits $500.00 into my account each month and is making the mortgage and utility payments. He has his own residence which I found out he had been preparing for 1.5 months prior to his leaving. He is making 140,000 a year and I make 10000. We have single and joint IRA’s and investments with Edward D. Jones. I have found a prepaid phone box AND voice activated recorder with receipt form March 22, of this year. He came to the house a few times and removed quite a few items, tools, books, kitchen utensils etc. Until I had the locks changed in late May, 2017. He was and is a Emotional and Mental Abuser ever since he found out about my head injury. He has withheld Sex and hugs, and any type f Emotional Support for 2 years this past July. He slept upstairs and I slept downstairs aside from literally begging him to sleep with me, hug me, or spend time with me. We have 3 Medically Special Needs jack Russell Terriers which ARE all registers Canine Therapy Assistance Registered with the ADA. I am looking for any information I can bring to my Attorney, i live in Michigan, that will help us to benefit my outcome in the Divorce. Am I entitled to his retirement, disability, and current wages, we know his current wages definitely. He is currently Triple Dipping in the Government Payroll. We don’t want to make an issue of this unless we have too. I have the documentation of his Physical Fitness Results from FLETC where he was Awarded with the classes highest score along with Academic and then the overall Achievement Award when all combined. I am living in our (my) home. i want to keep it. He bought a 2014 Subaru Legacy one week before he moved out for $14,000 cash. And he own a Subaru Impreza (2003) which he has. I have a 2000 Ford Explorer, which is beginning to show it’s age
    If there is any website, web information out there I would greatly appreciate it. I will take all the help and advice to assist my lawyer with this Divorce. I was and AM a very good wife, low maintenance, and happy. Until he left. Not only was he Emotionally Abusive and Mentally Abusive, On May 12th of this year he gave me a black eye when I was trying to get him to talk to me with some emotion, or feelings. I have realized all of this since I have spent much time with my counselor. it has been the most painful experience ever. To this day he will not communicate with me. At all. He refuses to admit any fault in the relationship and tells me not to blame him and yells and screams at me if I push him to talk so I gave up. This past Thursday was the day I had agreed to for him to come over and pick up what he had wrote down that he wanted to pick up and I got to pick time and date out of three days. He was a NO SHOW. He did not call, tell his attorney or anything. I had two people who took the day off to be here on my behalf. As the Judge agreed that the dogs and myself could not deal with the stress of the situation. Especially the dogs with their conditions. Please help.

    1. K. Adalenia Matelonis

      Is there no oe with any help, advise, support,,,anything for me. It will be a year in March not April and am no closer to a divorce than the day he moved out!!! Please any input would be much appreciated fro ANYONE! *Thank You in Advance*

  25. I have been married for 12 years and have a 10 year old we have been separated for almost 6 years. The house we lived in went into foreclosure the same year I left. The house was in his name with my name on the deed I am filing for divorce, can I be force to pay for bills he incurred after I left the home and can I hit him for back child support for the last 6 years? He has not paid one dime!

    1. You’ll need to ask these questions of an attorney familiar with the laws of your state. In many states, bills he incurs after separation are his alone. And in many states you can’t get retroactive child support that wasn’t ordered by the court, but find out what is true in your state.

  26. Good God. Almost all of the messages here are about how spouses, children, family members “done me wrong.” Does anyone look within themselves any more and take personal responsibility? It’s all I want alimony, I need more child support, I want government help.

  27. I have been married a year. My husband asked me if anything happened to us what did I want from the home? Is he thinking about divorce. I asked. him and he said no.

  28. First, I am a man, but I am the homemaker in our home. My wife and I have been together since 1998 and married since 2004, with two children. At the time my wife was making $2 more an hour so we decided to have me raise the kids and do contract work from home. Slowly contracts dried up due to new regulations and crap like that. So for the last 10 years I have raised the kids, fed them, and did all the things that children require, while my wife grew more distant and emotionally unavailable. Today she said she wanted me working or out the door. I said I was looking for work now, since the kids are 15 and 17, but out area has few jobs that would cover the expenses of traveling to the job. I didnt want to work and be worse than before because my son has autism and needs more support I would have to be flexible. Now she called me 10 minutes ago said she is rethinking it and wants me out now. I have nothing, what should I do?

  29. “Nonmarital property” means property real or personal, acquired by either spouse before, during, or after the existence of their marriage, which (a) is acquired as a gift, bequest, devise or inheritance made by a third party to one but not to the other spouse. . This is the law in my state, and it is the saving grace of my story.
    My Husband and I have been together for 26 yrs. He is 21 yrs my senior. He had a lot of baggage, and his ex was a nightmare, and his youngest son had a lot of problems. The ex interfered, in our life until her dying day last summer. The son drifted off after my husband signed 4 student loans unbeknownst to me. We had two homes at the time, and we were forces to sell one for a 50,000.00 loss.equaling 80 G’s I financially divoroced him after this. We have had separate bank acct, credit accts and even household bills are in my name along with our mortage. him. . Through all this I stuck by his side & I thought were home free. Not by along shot. I inherited a nice sum of money from my mother. I’m a middle age woman and I have never been materialistic, an d I have everything else I need except one thing. A college degree. I was an LPN for 25 yrs and I never thought I would get an opportunity to get my BSN. I have been accepted into a four year nursing program this fall and just need to complete two more preguisits. I can’t tell you how much confidence I have gained in my self already. My husband never complains abut the cost of tuition, I’m not working, so my bank balance has gone down quit a bit. I’m just gonna get to the chase. Last year my sister in law started planting seeds in my husbands mind that I was hiding money, ad telling him I was gonna leave him. We had grown apart because I’m growing as a person with school and she isn’t. Things between us became more ackward and tense as the summer went on. It came to a head and she sent me a nasty email calling me names, said I was wasting “the money”. in one e-mail though her motive was clear. She said she was protecting her brother because she had heard that I didnt love him any more, and I was leaving him. I am relieved that I am not insane and my sixth sense did pick up in this last summer, and I find it amusing that she listened to gossip, and took any credence to it because me and my hubby have been fighting and making up since day one. In or first month of dating I threatened to dump him and then we are all over each for a couple. Repeat and rinse: this is the cycle of our relationship, but my husband is older. Part of getting older can be anxiety and increased worries. He was always a little bit of a worrier but last summer he started taking a mild antidepressant, and I was worried that it was some thing more organic like dementia, or maybe the DT’s because his alcohol consumption also escalated with his sisters nagging. I didn’t know what the law was for an inheritance because there was no need to check, but obviously neither did she,

  30. Been married 32 years, going through a divorce, trying to do collaborative. Haven’t worked in 30 years by choice my husband was supporting me in my decision. he makes a lot of money. He has offered me the house a very large settlement and a monthly income, far more than I could make if I went back to work. Am I entitled to half of his income until he retires?


  31. My husband filed for divorce in October. I do not want to get divorced. When he filed, I got an attorney right away. I let my attorney know that I’m not in any hurry to move forward with this. My husband has done nothing or spoke about us moving forward with the divorce. He’s still paying the bills and taking care of things.
    My question is, is it okay to continue like this until we are both really ready to move forward? Do I need to worry about him doing something behind my back leagally? My attorney told me that if he gets an attorney I would know because his attorney would contact mine. My husband said he is using an attorney from his work and gets 20 hours of free service. But My attorney or I have heard nothing.
    I just want to be prepared in the event something pops up! I don’t know what that could be! I’m new at all this!!
    Thanks for any advice

    1. Many people separate and then don’t do anything to get a divorce, because living apart makes the conflicts much better. Check with your attorney to see if there is any need to proceed at this point. If not, just hang out the way you are doing and see what happens.

  32. Hello, got a question my first husband was very abusive and a alcoholic before we moved to another state I was informed by my HR department that the IRS was trying to garnish my wages for his back taxes. They told me that I needed to contact the local IRS office which I did, of course they told me that because I was married to him I was responsible for his debts. So I paid his back taxes and sucked it up and went on with my life until about 5 years later his first wife showed up our door asking him to sign her divorce papers because she wanted to get remarried, just image my surprise, of course I asked him why did you marry me when you was still married to her. I stupidly stayed with him until after we moved to the south and as usual we got into a physical fight and I finally had enough and took my kids and just our clothes and started our lives over. I moved on and later he filed for divorce from me and all I received for years for my 2 sons was $75.00 week. But I couldn’t get anymore because this jerk quit his job at the time so I excepted this and met another man that came into my life and we were married and he helped me raise my 2 sons. So my question is do you think it is possible that I can request the IRS to pay me back for the money that they took from me years ago? I have his divorce papers from the first wife and myself as proof he was still married to her and married me at the same time. But I had to pay for his back taxes because she lived in another state and of course I was on the radar because of the recent marriage. P.S. my sons are grown now I’m so glad I got those boys out of that abusive situation, it was worth getting away from that abusive man and it taught them to respect women and they vowed to never treat a woman in this manner. I started my life over with nothing but it was so worth it.

    1. I’m guessing that you filed a joint return with him, and that’s why you were responsible for the taxes on that return. I don’t think that there’s anything that you can do at this point, but I’d advise you to consult with a tax attorney to be sure. I think it is too late for you to file for innocent spouse, but you never know.

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  35. My husband and I are separated and likely going to get a divorce. We have been married almost 5 years. We have a 3.5 year old son. My husband has supported me through college. I came into the marriage with no money, property etc but will be leaving with a degree in Civil Engineering. My husband bought a condo before we got married and a few years ago we re-financed and I am now listed as a homeowner. My husband and I don’t hate each other, we just don’t get each other and things aren’t working out. I am living with my parents and my husband and I equally share time with my son. I can stay with my parents as long as I need to. I really don’t want any money from my husband. I don’t want his retirement, I don’t want the house, and I don’t want our new car. I don’t want anything from him. Is there anyway to ensure that he won’t have to give me half of his stuff?

  36. Pingback: Handling Debts and Loan Payments during a Divorce: What You Need to Know | Smarts - Loans

  37. I have the feeling my husband is an affair and will be asking for a divorce. About 10 years ago my husband asked me to sign some papers from the bank. I think these papers were to relinquish my rights to our home and other rental homes he, his sister, and his mother own. Is it too late now that I’ve signed these papers to have any claim to our home?
    Thank you for any help you may have to offer!

    1. The laws of each state are different about the claim that each spouse has to the family home. You can check with an attorney to see what the laws are in your state, and you can check with your county clerk to see how the home is titled.

  38. I’ve spent the last 4.5 years putting money into my wife’s business(es). Long story short,… I went back offshore to make decent money to start one business for her. After literally THOUSANDS of dollars,… she “changed” direction, because she was in over her head. So,…. again literally THOUSANDS of dollars,… ($59k in 2014 alone!) later,… with my paycheck decreased because I work in an oil field related job,… she wants a divorce.
    Now she’s making demands about some things,… my knee-jerk reaction is to ask for 50% of all profits that her business is making, and GOING to make. It’s branded. So I’m wondering if I have a leg to stand on here in Texas.
    I was given a choice and I chose “other” and was told to leave. I left. Of course there’s accusations of infidelity. I’ve never cheated. Temptation was there, but I seriously didn’t. Now that we’ve been living apart,… I have been with someone more than once. Is THIS punishable?

  39. have been married 30 years and 3 grown children, we lost jobs and had to live in a hotel paying 1100.00 a month as we both have found jobs but struggle each week to pay rent. i want out of the marriage but feel fear from god.please help in this matter.

  40. my question is a little different from others here. My situation is I am a male in the process of looking to divorce my wife of 3 years. Infidelity and compulsive lying on her behalf have me at my wits end. I have tried to talk to here about these issues for the last year and we do talk but she will not participate in the process of coming to a mutual conclusion to this situation. I don’t really want anything from her but recognition that I am not the monster, control freak she is trying to convince people I am. In private she acknowledges these things but to save face about her infidelities and lies she is trying to project all the blame on me. My question is this… we started a business 19 months ago with everything being in her name, it was supposed to be our future and help lead us to an early retirement so I have been working this business for 2 years now (including set up) totally unpaid, not a single penny drawn from the business as an income. She has a full time job and does work hard to make sure the bills are paid and to put money into the business when necessary to keep it afloat while we build it, there are no arguments there. I have limited my life and social life to next to nothing and asked for nothing from her except food, board and a pittance in personal spending money. So I feel that I am owed something for putting all this time, energy and effort into building the business and she is balking at me asking 5k to terminate and sign a non contested divorce agreement, leave town for a job i have arranged and be out of her life for good. Am I within my rights to ask this miniscule amount of money for the thousands of hours ( close one 100 hours a week for 18 months) i have contributed for free, I work as the manager and personal trainer of our gym. Combined over 18 months if we had to pay someone we could expect to have to shell out at least 70k per year so that is approx 135k of potential salary I have not claimed from the business. I don’t hate my wife, have no anger toward her, in fact I have pity for her situation, I have no inclination to try and inflict financial distress I just want to leave and go about rebuilding my life. Thanks in advance for any advice you may be able to dispence.

    1. The laws of each state are different. I doubt that she will owe you for hours worked, but the business may be marital property and have value to which you are entitled. Ask an attorney to tell you how the law would apply to your case. And of course, if you and she can come to some mutually acceptable resolution, then it doesn’t matter what the law provides.

  41. I caught my husband on Christmas Day, 8 months ago. He admitted to an affair of 2 years. We have been married 34 years, I quit my job the day my first child was born 30 years ago. We planned to settle this out of court but I’m guessing the new 15 year younger didn’t like the settlement. I live in NC and thank goodness we have a law called alienation of affection so I will be perusing her also. Honestly what is wrong with these men. Does anyone have any suggestions on writing a resume or a job for 34 years of staying at home mom. Please let me know. Thanks ladies, we really are the best support for each other. I’m so sorry for anyone who is going through the destruction this causes.

  42. What should the ramifications be if my soon to be ex-spouse does not get a job in her field of study when we physically split our home in July 2017.

    We are divorcing now but co-parenting in the same home for one year due to financial reasons and her schooling which will be finished in May 2017.

    I will be paying most expenses except a few that Im requiring her to pay for

  43. my husband and I are going through divorce, he defaulted the divorce and he keeps changing his mind over and over again. The property we own is on the loan under my name and his but the tittle is under my name my sisters and his because during that time my sister gave us half of the down payment and we bought a duuplex and she pays her mortage to me every month. Now I’m worried because my sister does not want the property to be sold and we will go into divorce. Is there anything we can do to not have to sale the house?

    1. Your situation will depend on exactly how the paperwork reads regarding the arrangements in your family, and how the laws of your state apply. The laws of each state are different, so talk to an attorney familiar with the laws of your state about the details of your arrangement to find out.

  44. Hello, Im 30 years old. I have been living with my husband since 23. he is 55. after he retired, he changed. he became controlling. He was abusing me emotionally, verbally and mentally. I was so ill i had to go to rehab for a month. the doctors told me i was in fight or flight mode. I lost weight. i couldn’t sleep. I was losing my mind. In rehab i was diagnosed as manic depressive with general anxiety disorder. after rehab i decided to go to school and follow my dreams. he rejected the notion of me going to school. i was shocked. as i gained my strength, he began to call me names and raised his voice at me more than before. i didn’t know what to make of it… i was shocked to have to accept that i married a controlling, jealous, sex crazed ass hole who saw me as an object and nothing more. a drug for him to use at his command. so i went off to school anyway. then, he calls me to tell me he is seeing someone…?? i drive home in a hurry and there he was with an even younger woman, getting high. the girl was high and drunk out of her mind. the very thing i ran from, his suggestions and influence.. i was sober for 10months at that time. he didn’t want a sober woman with sense. he wanted someone high and out of their mind. i cried. i was with my 7yr old son at the time. I filed for divorce shortly after. we planned a make up date and i got high with him that day. i kept trying to change him until i realized that HIS lifestyle was killing me. i was sad often. and stayed in the house catering to him and my son. but now i’m on my own as a single parent, sober, straight A student on the committee at school and going through divorce. i was sick of my son asking why was i sad or crying. i want it to be over asap. of course my ex stalls and says he has better things to do like golf with his buddies then work on our case.. good thing i cleaned out our joined account. this gave me money for an attorney and temp living expenses. i am still heart broken because i loved him. but soon found that he had darkness in his ways loong before i met him. i will NEVER marry again!! something is gravely wrong with most of the men on this planet. especially financially secure men. they have no respect for the mother. the woman. none. we are just there to be their slaves and forgive them of their sins! and the pain they cause us. Pleeease. never again. good luck to everyone going through these horrible times. things WILL get better.

  45. I have a question. I am a 46 year old man. I am a truck driver. I married a person from the Philippines. We have been married 11 years and have an 8 year old child.
    I sent her back to the Philippines to get her Bachelor’s in nursing and she graduated there. My son had to go with her as I am on the road.
    While there she never had to work and I hired a full-time live-in nanny so she never had to do housework.
    The first two years of our marriage she rode in the truck with me then when she got pregnant we got an apartment. Less than one year after we had our child she started cheating on me with a girl. I never knew it. She didn’t tell me until after she graduated college.
    Now we are back in America and she brought this girl back with her a little later on. And now lives with her and wants divorce. Her affair lasted over half of our marriage and believe it is ongoing.
    While she was in school I could not afford an apartment and put her to school at the same time so I just stayed in the truck. And I am doing that now while she studies for her American standardized testing. I feel cheated. I have denied myself too much for her.
    What are my options being I have devoted all my money to her edu. Plus I spent thousands helping her family there in her country.
    If we divorce I will be left with no money, home or anything. She will have her nursing career at my expense.

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  47. I am 55 and have been married almost 4 years to a 60 year old man who has proven himself useless. He quit working full time when we got married and now holds a very temporary job. I work full time and an looking at retirement from the government in Maryland ina year or two. I owned my house when he sold his house and moved in. he has $60,000.00 in the bank. I want to sell my house and retire to North Carolina and begin a home based business. I care about the guy but need to separate myself from him fiscally. He has said he will refuse to pay his share of the health insurance among other things and I just won’t be able to support him on 1/2 of my income that I am currently making. I have no retirement except my pention. Is there sucha thing as an amicable finanical divorce? Can he make claim to my pension?

  48. heather blueberry

    6 years ago i have married a man who was divorced for 2 years . As soon as she found out he was dating His X wife immediately went after more money for the children ( shared custody )
    Soon after we got married his X-wife decided to go after additional money which they agreed he wold not have to give it to her since he still paid for her auto and health insurance. Because it was not on paper he had to pay.
    Now it’s @ 10 years after their divorce and she threatens to take him to court over some money that they lended to his family member for a medical reason. Is it possible she could win? I don’t understand
    I was a widow with children at a young age and was able to find my ways, had to work harder and think smarter. She got all she wanted out of this man and is still not enough.

  49. my husband has a trust, he is receiving funds from the sale of property . His CPA has been claiming the money as personal income and I’m paying the taxes… why would he not file the funds with his trust /
    Also I’m in a community property state . Why would I be responsible\for paying them.

    1. Consult with a tax accountant to see if things are being dealt with correctly. Income from the trust in which he is the beneficiary is taxable to him, not to you. The only way you will beresponsible for paying them is if that income was reported on a joint tax return, so the IRS can collect taxes from either of you.

      1. they are trying to avoid the large tax fee from the sale of homes from his parents . I make more and pay in more each year around 15k in 2015. if we file a joint including his trust income, is the money half mine ?

  50. I have been researching information about 401k divisions as part of divorce and property settlements for close to 5 years. Property division (very complex) is still outstanding after 4 years. We are getting closer to a settlement agreement but the issue of my retirement accounts (pension and 401k plans) was addressed again today. Basically, my ex-husband will owe me a settlement of about 100,000.00 and will be paying me monthly with a balloon payment in 10 years. He is entitled to half of my 401k and pension proceeds, yet the accounts will remain in my name and he will receive credit towards his 100,000.00 debt. The various accountants, mediators and financial advisors have gone back and forth as to how his “half” should be calculated. Specifically, should he be credited with after-tax proceeds on his half and should penalties decrease his credit amount further, even though no changes will be made (other than removing his name/transferring to an account titled in my name only)? Should adjustments be made to his “half”, based on plan fees, expenses or the fact that funds are pre-tax funds? The date of the calculation is also an issue that can’t be decided. My ex believes it should be whatever date is most beneficial to him (he’s actually chosen different dates for different accounts). I don’t know how this should be handled since no money is actually changing hands. The dates we are dealing with are 1) date of separation, 2) date of divorce (1 year later), 3) date the (partial) agreement was read on the record, which is still unsigned, or 4) the date the stipulation will be signed. Any information that you can provide, as well as any issues I haven’t thought of, would be greatly appreciated.

    1. Wow, it sounds like you really need legal help, so you can find out how these issues are treated in your state. Often parties compute the after-tax value of retirement accounts when negotiating for one part to get more pretax accounts and the other to get post-tax assets. It doesn’t seem fair to compute penalties, since no money is actually being drawn out of the accounts, as you point out.

  51. Hello,

    I have a very difficult situation on my hands. I love my wife of 19 years but I have come to the reality that she may have borderline personality disorder with narcissistic behaviors. She regularly goes into rages and verbally abuses me and my two kids, daughter 12 and son 9. I really don’t want to get a divorce but my wife has both sexually and emotionally disconnected from me. For years I have been the only one to initiate any type of affection. Recently, my wife upgraded her phone and asked me to transfer her photos. I found text and facebook chat in which she engaged fellow male coworkers in very personal, intimate dialogue. She would say “miss me”, “stillloveme?” “LoveUmeanit!”. When I mentioned this to her she denied having any type of emotional relationships with her coworker and states that they all talk like that. I told her that I’m not comfortable with it and felt like she was emotionally cheating on me.

    To make matters worse, my wife co-owns property with her bother. He is very domineering and is an absolute narcissist. He calls and texts her morning, noon and night. It is almost like they have an emotionally incestuous relationship! My wife only calls me 5 minutes a day maybe texts me, once or twice. They speak over an hour a day and exchange 20+ text messages.

    What can I do? I have mentioned that she needs to get help and that we need marriage counseling. I only get a lukewarm response as she doesn’t seem interested..

  52. Hello, not sure if you’re still taking comments. I married a man 8 months ago. Every month I receive alimony and child support from my children’s father and I save it. I regret my decision to marry my new husband for many reasons. I am hoping for a dissolution. If it ends up being a divorce, what is the likelihood that he can claim that half the money I saved is his? He pays all the bills. I have insisted that he let me help out with utilities since I work too, but he says he just wants me to save my money. So am I now saving for it to be half his when we divorce?

  53. I have an abusive and controlling husband (but never documented) and he has been unemployed for many years now. I have always had a job and we survive on my income and sometimes his contract money, not puch or consistent. My job gives me a 401K, he doesnt have one, we have debt because of income problems. if we divorce will I have to share my retrement with him?

  54. We were married for 3 years and I paid and bought everything including furniture and a fence dat was about 64.2 feet he didn’t contribute not even a cent to our marriage he also had a child out of wedlock 5 months into our marriage we don’t have any children so in da end we divorced a clean break and some of my items to b settled out of court during our marriage I incurred a lot of costs but because I was on love I didn’t mind paying as da woman of da house now wen we divorced I left some of my personal items which I need 3 yrs later including a fully galvanised mesh and palisade fence which cost me R16 500 I need my items now since I found a bigger place and have a family of my own as per agreement outside of court he suppose to give me back wat is mine da man only gave me half of my items n insists of keeping my fence sofas and kitchen table n benches I’m so angry I need some advise Becoz I need wat is mine asap

    1. If your agreement was filed in court then it probably has the weight of a court order and you can enforce it through the courts. If not, then you’ll need to consult with an attorney to see what procedures you need to follow to enforce it.

  55. As a stay at home mom of two, is it better to stay in the house without a job until after the divorce or to leave and get a job and my own place with the kids?

  56. Married for 8 years with 2 children, husband asked for a divorce right after Christmas. I was let go from my job back in September. After that happened we agreed that I would stay home for a while because we have a special needs child that had been dropped from two day cares back to back. We were trying to find a place that would better suit her needs. Part of the reason I got let go was because I was coming in late to put her on the bus because we couldn’t find a daycare for her. Anyhow, being unemployed right now is scary. We still live together as our lease is not up until May. He said he’s filing this month. Not sure what happens once he files. Do I have to move? Does he? How do I afford to live with no income currently? So many questions!

  57. I am 24 years old and my husband and I have been married for 5 years. We have a 3 year old girl and a 2 year old boy. I am currently in school and will be transferring soon to a UC. Of course he doesn’t agree in me going to school. He says it’s too much expensive. And I even got a job night shift at a local store to pay for my books and gas. I have a feeling he wants a divorce. We get in arguments, and he always brings up that I should leave if I don’t want to obey what he says. He a great father and hard worker. But I am seriously tired of his comment. Just in case we end up in divorce how could I protect myself and my kids. We have a small business under my name worth maybe 25K. All the vehicles are under my name but all the cash in his bank account approx 55K. We are saving to buy a house, but I just scared that he might leave one day. Both of my sisters were left with $0 from their husbands. It’s been very hard for them.

    I don’t really care about the money. I love my husband, but I don’t want him to spend the money that we worked hard to be spent on someone else.

      1. I am almost done with the process of divorce. We have been married for 9 years, have two kids and she is divorcing me because I do not earn enough money and am not financially responsible for providing incomes for our family while she is being working two jobs. Os it fair or serious for her to divorce me based just on these grounds please?

  58. I am divorced with two children. My ex husband and I signed a divorce agreement with 50/50 custody. It has been 9 years since our divorce and I have the children almost the whole summer and we do share custody in the winter. However he takes extensive trips in the winter time leaving the children in my care. He works for his wife and since I am a school teacher he pulled my public salary and claims 1000.00 less than what I a make. I am remarried and my husband lives in another state since I can not relocate with my children. He is a loving step father who has a wonderful relationship with the children. He pays for much of their needs. My ex husband gives me 125.00 a week for 2 children. This does not change when he is away extensively or in the summer when my new husband and I take them all over the east coast. I pay into health care for the children at 400.00 a month. How can I get him to have to pay into this? This man takes trips all over the world. He is going away to flight school for the next 3 weeks so that he can get his pilot license. It is unreal to me how much the legal system fails those who really do follow the law accordingly. This man has gotten away with everything.

  59. I hear people complaining on both sides here. My wife decided she was unhappy and wants out.
    I sold my home when I met her and bought a house with her. Now she wants out and I can’t afford to buy her out. I am ending up with very little while she is set up very good as I worked on a work comp settlement for her and she got 150 thousand and I set her up with a nice retirement where she use to work.
    She has 400 thousand now and I have to go live with my parents at 59
    I can’t touch her work comp settlement and if I go after her retirement she will go after my pension.
    It would just cost us a lot of attorney fees
    On the flip side my girlfriend had to give her lazy ass husband 520 thousand to get him off her house and spousal support because he sat on his ass for the last 10 years riding his Harley and drinking with his friends!
    So it goes both ways!

    1. If you sold a home that was your separate property and invested those funds into a jointly owned home, you may have a right of reimbursement for the funds that you put into the joint home. Talk to an attorney about this.

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  61. My ex-husband cashed one of his pensions in 2013 for $19,000 and gave it to me, thinking the lawyers forgot to take care of it, although they had done a QDRO, which I told him. It turns out this was a pension he didn’t know existed, so it was never disclosed in the divorce. I already received the pension amount I was to get- it was rolled into a 403B account I had. I accepted his other pension in the form of cash, since he insisted it was mine. Now the IRS is after him for the taxes and he is saying it wasn’t mine and wants the money back. I have already spent it on house problems and our children’s needs. My question is: am I responsible in any way for the taxes owed on this pension? The penalty fees were removed when he cashed it out, but he did not pay taxes before giving it to me. Does he have a cause to take me to court for the money and will I get hit by the IRS for taxes, or would it have been considered a gift? Thank you.

    1. If he had gotten advice before he cashed it out, he’d know he would be taxed on it, so he owes the taxes for cashing it out. It is his tax burden, not yours, and since transfers between spouses incident to divorce aren’t taxable, he doesn’t owe gift tax. As to whether he can get the money back from you, I’ve no idea what the laws would be in your state. It sounds as though he transferred the funds of his own free will, but check with an attorney to see what might happen.

          1. I put it into a savings account, where I withdrew what I needed. I live in Minnesota. Thank you.

  62. Do not accept that settlement. Your children deserve the monies every month, health insurance, dental and college. Sounds like he has someone else and he doesn’t want to take care of his family. Get a PI. To see what he is doing. It’s worth the money. Good luck

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  64. I left my husband in August of 2011 due to abuse…. we didn’t have anything he and his mother would spend everything on drugs.. i just took my daughter and left. In result of that i was homeless and ended up losing my daughter to the state and now my mother. during the DFS case they contacted christopher many times he denied the work service agreement and then stop replying so with no response they went through and terminated his righta. My mother has legal guardianship of my daughter.
    He’s been with the same chick since November of 2011.
    I’m now with someone we’ve been together for a year.
    I’m also pregnant.

    i am very afraid of chris and I’m not sure how to deal with this. I’ve not tue money or resources for divorce and i was tpld in Missouri he is legally bond to my son as the father wether he is the father or not even if the father is in the room with me.

  65. I got out of my marriage with the clothes on my back, my pickup, what I could toss in the bed of the pickup, an IRA I’d established and only contributed to before my marriage, and my kitty. There was also a lot of debt from the marriage, and I paid off what I could. But at least I got out. It would have been a lot worse if I’d stayed. I don’t doubt that I would have ended up homeless or in prison. What got me out was discovering that he was using drugs. I don’t know how long it would have been before the police held both of us responsible for something I knew nothing about until less than 14 days before I left. Without that millstone around my neck, I was able to go back to college, get an education, get a degree, and get a real career. I am able to actually save and invest for today, tomorrow and for retirement. I have emergency savings. I have retirement savings. I have investments. I would have none of that had I stayed with him.

  66. I am an Indian (Hindu) and we follow Hindu Marriage Act, 1955 for getting divorce here in India.

    One of my office colleague is facing problems in her marriage and I don’t know how to help her. I need guidance from learned lawyers in this forum.

    She had a bad marriage and live separately on her own for last 7 years. She and her husband are not even on talking terms and he has never bothered to call her and has never given her any money till date. They have a 8 year old son who stays with her, But her husband doesn’t even pay any money for the child’s expense. He doesn’t even come to meet his son.The marriage is practically over and she is begging him for divorce so that she can remarry.

    However, her husband is too scared to sign on the divorce papers. He fears that court will force him to pay alimony and child maintenance if he signs on them. He is not interested to marry again and so does not need a divorce. He says he has no problem if his wife remarries without obtaining a divorce. He says that he cares more for his wife’s happiness than the law. Hence he promises not file a case of bigamy against her. He says that he is also open to the idea of his wife having an illicit relationship outside marriage. But he is only fears signing on the divorce paper.

    We tried threatening him with false cases of dowry harassment and domestic violence filed against him and his old parents. But he says, he and his parents do not fear the police. Only thing which makes him shiver is the thought of paying alimony and child maintenance money to his estranged wife. He says that he would rather prefer to go to jail than parting with his wealth.

    No amount of assurance that his wife will not demand any alimony or child maintenance money can convince him to sign on the divorce paper. He says that he does not trust his wife. He says that if he signs on the divorce paper, then his wife would automatically become eligible for alimony and child maintenance.

    In the family court, her husband loudly claims in front of the judge that he loves his wife and son. He claims that he wants his wife to return to her matrimonial house and fulfil her marital duties. But outside the court, he doesn’t even speak to her and ignores her and the child as if they does not exist. Inside the court, he refuses to admit that the marriage is irretrievable. He claims that marriage will definitely work if his wife resides with him and fulfils her marital obligations.

    Also, we do not have any evidence of dowry harassment or domestic violence against the husband. The guy is completely insensitive even if his wife abuses him and his family in the court and still keeps appealing to of the judge not to grant divorce as he loves his wife and has no allegations against her. He keeps urging that marriage can be saved if the wife returns to her matrimonial home.

    From last 7 years, he has not given any money to his wife. She needs to fend for herself and the kid. But he justifies this in court saying that his wife deserted him without any valid reason and so he is not liable to pay any money to her. He asserts that his wife must come and stay with him so that he can take care of her and the kid’s expenses.

    Also, the man claims in court is that since his wife deserted him without any valid reason, granting her divorce would amount to allowing her to take advantage of her own wrongdoings. Hence, he claims that court cannot grant divorce to her unless he comes up with valid reasons supported by evidence.

    We had even engaged a private detective to spy on the husband, but that guy has a spotless character and does not have any illicit relationship or involved in any illegal activities. But he is a greedy miser who does not spend any money on his wife and son. Despite being rich, he survives on bread and banana only. He lives in a huge mansion and cleans the entire house himself as he does not want to spend on servants. He has a luxury car, but will still travel by bus to save money. He uses his mobile phone only for incoming calls and visits government hospitals for free treatment.

    This man will die but will not sign on the divorce papers.

    Can you kindly guide how could arrive at a solution to this problem?

  67. Hello,

    I am writing this on behalf of a friend. She is a 49 year old British citizen who married an American citizen 4 years ago. This man told her he would take care of her and she didn’t need to worry about anything. He turned out to be an alcoholic, and was still involved with his ex wife and ex girlfriend. This man controls all the money, and he never lets her know how much they have etc. Gives her “an allowance” for groceries etc., and occasionally will buy her nice things. They do not have a physical relationship, I have never seen any affection between them except on her part. He treats her poorly, lies about things, and hides how much money they have. He has not paid the house payment for 6 months , and keeps promising her “he’ll get around to it”. He currently has the house on the market without her consent ( house is in his name) – and has been wiring money to his friend in the bahamas. We found invoices for money he collected from his work, but cannot find any of these amounts in any of the bank accounts she has access to. He left her last year for 5 months, did not pay the house payment and had the electricity turned off. She had threatening calls from his exwife, whom we found out was living with him in a mobile home he also owns. My friend got a job a a local grocery store, minimum wage to support herself. She was unable to find an attorney to help her. Her husband came back, and she had no choice but to try to make it work. She is currently in school, with 6 months left. She is waiting for her greencard, which took forever to get her husband to agree to. She has asked for a divorce, and is scared that he will “disappear” and she will have nothing to support her. She has been in the hospital because of severe anxiety. He controls all the money, he is verbally abusive, and treats her like she is baggage. She has no family here, and would like to stay in the house if possible. What can I do to help her? Any advice would be appreciated!!!

  68. I have been married for 28 years to my wife but I have dedicated my entire life and my children. My wife and my first veterinary then we will throw yours to her first child after that things were still good my second try to arrive in our third arrived. Life is good then we have plenty of money and we’re doing very good until my friend arrived I was ill and suffer some after which I had problems financially due to the fact that I could not work. After 14 years of being married by court in Las Vegas who finally got married by church and my wife and I exchanged vows to love each other for better for worse for richer for poorer in sickness and in health until death do us part. When we took our vows and got married by the church those were serious about because you don’t do this every day. Unfortunately two of my children had heart attack and I have no reason or idea why but they did and we finally found out that my wife. A disease of the heart and every one of my daughters husband terminal bill. Mother daughter luckily is functioning well with medical care. My wife on the other hand took advantage of the situation and said that she was ill so she claim Social Security benefits under my social security number and as soon as she started receiving her check in my daughter’s social security disability which is around 1500 dollars a month and receives close to $400 a month in food stamps now she really didn’t want to depend on me and as for divorce she also received 5 500 to 600 dollars a month of support from my oldest daughter and her the live with her now that I am NOT going. So my youngest child that is 16 is the only one that gu lovely mean show support for and wants to keep The house all the furniture everything virtually the car the new car and leave me out in the street but she does one spousal support child support and he does not want need to be part of my childrens’ life. She has been a very verbally abusive woman spiteful and I’m caring now for over 10 years. She carefully planned the divorce due to the fact that several of my family members had warned me over 2 years ago that she was contemplating on a divorce. She had also took out a new cell phone and account to separate herself from mine due to the fact that she had an ongoing relationship with another person behind my back. My question is would the judge ruled in my favor do to her sneaking spiteful ways and her abuse of the Social Security system. please give me some advice that I may be able to protect myself from this evil woman that has traumatized All My Children since she has control of everything.

  69. Married for 18 years. One son that will be 17 next month. I have done everything in this house, paid bills, all the yard work, house work, held full time jobs. He has mistreated me the entire time. Verbal abuse, accusations, he lies, cheats, talks about other woman to me, and is just a creep. After a nuclear argument back on October 23rd, I had asked him to help me figure out a home repair. Nothing was said. I stated that he reminds me of his mother, always in denial. That’s all it took to blow the roof off the house, and my son heard every filthy name he could call me. Over a simple question. 2014 has been an extremely difficult year. I lost my job back in March, which was my dream job. (a new girl was hired and she felt threatened, so behind my back she went, had me fired) I took them to court, won the case but ended up with an insulting offer. I never received an ounce of support from my husband. I went through a deep depression, and he could have cared less. I moved out of the bedroom, into my own room. He brings home around $750.00 to $850.00 per week. I now work a part time job and from bringing home around $420.00 a week, to $185.00. I can’t afford health insurance, and I have medication that will run me about $274.00 per month now with out insurance. I am going to speak to the Market Exchange tomorrow to see what plan I can get. However, if I can’t afford it, my job offers insurance but it would take half my bring home to pay for the worst plan. Not even talking about my prescriptions. He acts as if he is ruling the roost and I am destitute. He managed to drain me from my inheritance, my 401, another large financial gift and now I am 57 years old, with no retirement, no money saved, my credit is ruined because of him and our family unit has been destroyed by him. Never an apology. He takes credit for everything and has done nothing but destroy me. I am stuck here, no family except my son and his family the next town over. Do I not have any rights? I told him that if I can’t afford health insurance, I might as well not even file my taxes jointly. Its a much longer story with more important details but I just want to know what I can do for my future. I took care of him completely when he went through colon cancer five years ago. No appreciation there. His mother is a royal, get even witch. Even though she knows all about the abuse, she supports her “little boy” as she calls him. It’s so sickening…

  70. My husband of 34 years walked out of our marriage on September 16th, 2013, and was so emotionally devastated, and hurt, that I could barely chock down food for days, and days, because even chewing food was painful with no appetite at all. I would wake up, drink my coffee, and turn right around and go back to bed, or cry for hours in the bathroom towels, so my sons couldn’t hear me.

    All I kept asking myself was “how could someone who you shared so many years with, had children with, shared the same values with–do this to another person, even if they had fallen out of love with that person? I would ask myself what the hell did I do to deserve this kind of treatment? i gave and gave my love without question, and felt like my husband of 34 years threw me out like I was garbage.

    I found a book on the subject of husband’s leaving like this, without a clue that he was unhappy in the marriage, nor leaving without speaking to me about his emotions or thoughts. The book called “RUNAWAY HUSBANDS” BY DR. VICKI STARK was just what I needed to read. Dr. Stark’s own husband of 21 years left her for another, younger woman, and she interviewed over 400 women whose husband’s walked away from them, clueless too.

    Because my husband, 55 years old, was an introvert, a type A personality, with no friends around him -except me, during our marriage, he couldn’t cope with his deep failures during his careers, He was enlisted in the Navy, and then became a Naval Officer, retiring at the rank of Lt Commander, with me always at his side (I too was in the Navy and met him in Pearl Harbor, Hi). Then, he became an IT consultant pulling down a 6 figure income. But he decided he wanted to start his own business, and took his 401K and cashed it all in , along with over 100 K. Only 1 year later, the business went bust.
    Then, he had to file bankruptcy, and of course, being married to him, I too and on the bankruptcy note. He ruined my credit when he left me.

    When my husband left me a year ago, he became a long distance OTR big rig truck driver, living int he truck too. He left me nothing, except the furniture, the dog, he signed over a minivan to me, and he also left his 2 sons, My book that I am writing discusses the fact that he, my husband of 34 years is really “socially and emotionally stunted” and could never express any emotion. I feel like I was his “Roommate with benefits’ because I don’t think he ever loved me, I was just convenient baggage, that helped “him” to be successful in His careers, and when he was no longer happy with his life, he left, couldn’t cope with his mistakes, and of course, could never say he was sorry for hurting me, although I apologized to him, for hurting him, as it is TWO in the marriage, and I am not a perfect person, either.

    I did a search on why some people can not apologize, and it’s because they feel it’s a sign of weakness in them, or an attack on their character, so if they apologize for one think, it could open up a whole can of worms, to other wrong doings or mistakes they have done, so these types of people can never say they are sorry-ever.

    My life now, only a little over a year since my husband left me, has taken on some wonderful turns. Only 4 months after he left, my brother calls me to tell me he found my adoption documents hidden in our father’s NY apartment. Wow, at 56 Yrs old, to find all this out, was a ‘double-whammy” for me to say the least.

    I am also writing a book about my life, and hope to publish my life story, most of which is tragic. but my sons are my blessing, and am grateful that they are in my life. They live with me, and we are moving out of the state of WA soon to meet my first cousin in CA and live there too. So, this is my journey, and my new life and am thankful now–that my husband if gone. I definitely stayed -way too long, in this marriage to him:-)

  71. I am reading how some persons see it as the non working spouse is taking the assets of the working spouse. If this isn how you thought of marriage I’d list that as one of the problems. Luckily in the US we have laws to deal with this situation. So if I stay married I have access to 100% of assets, if I do not only 50%. This rule applies to each spouse no matter who actually earned the assets. If you brought kids into the world you are responsible for them, thank goodness. Work toward removing the emotion from the legal process. The details of the why also don’t always matter. Learning the laws before we get married would be a big help for all involved.

  72. Thisnis a pretty skewed way to look at the study.
    The bias and inference made, brings the whole study into question.

    The information is presented as women’s income declining the first year after divorce and men’s income rising. the second statement is pretty hard to beliieve but it’s more likely accurate based on sneaky uses of the terms. If they simply use average income per person during the marriage as starting point, it’s a pretty silly measure. Basically the assumption is that 1/2 the mans income is considered the wife’s during marriage. So, if the man is the main earner, by default his income appears to go up and hers down. The only way to change the math would be for a man to share even more of his earning after a marriage than during the marriage.

    Does wife.or understate averages and math?

    This same study could have been presented as: Women in a marriage reap more financial benefits from their husbands than men do from women. This benefit continues after marriage, as women no longer share in the mans daily chores or contribute to him in any way, while men continue to share income with thier former spouse by only a marginally decreased amount,. According to the study their income drops 20%. so if marriage is 50/50 of the mans salary, the women lose is .2 x 50%, leaving her at40% of the mans’s income….. So when a women stops giving anything at all to her husban, and divorces, she goes from claiming 50% of his earnings to being awarded 40% of his earnings……… And this is a travesty for women?

    Why in the world would you expect a man not married to you, to provide you with 1/2 their income?

    Would it not be fair to simply say thank you for all the benefit that was gained during the marriage, and maybe pay the guy back a few dollars for subsidizing your life sty
    E so many years. Then simply walk away as a self responsible adult?
    Mothers and fathers have an 18 year legal responsibility to a child (even girls)….. Men marry adult women and are shackled with a life of financial burden.

  73. Help. Married for 32 years. During that time we raised four (now grown) children. He was first verbally and then physically abusive. Twenty years ago I had a weekend affair which is no secret and in fact my husband came to me and “apologized”. My husband move our family 18 times, told me soon after marriage) I was not allowed to go to university. I put him through school for his bachelors and masters. He went on temporary assignments for years at a time. He continued his emotional abuse and made me feel worthless. I had a job that paid a good amount but he moved us back and forth and of course I my reputation became “unreliable”. I physically and emotionally became depressed and anxious. I had no say in the moves. I eventually went back to school years ago with children ages six and under. I came home,cooked, cleaned, and maintained a 3.9 GPA. I had a full ride scholarship but he moved across country and again I was back to being the “good wife”. I was in a religious position where the husband is head of the household. I obediently followed. I always thought that while he was going through bankruptcies and foreclosure a that “one day” everything will be fine. I became suicidal as I tried to fight the inevitable. My parents were divorced and one is now dead. I could not go home because my dad was a Pedophile and I had nowhere to go. I still do not have my degree, I now have severe anxiety, have been very suicidal over the past six years and now my children (who said I was a great mom) are afraid of my anxiety and depression so I am not allowed to even watch the oldest child’s grandchildren. In other words — I did not know how to be tough. I think I have about 30,000.00 total work amount in all these years. I should have been born in the 1800s because I sure feel like it. I do not know what will happen due to the inability to work and I KNOW My body and mind simply wore out. Any idea on what will happen to me? I have one son who needs a kidney transplant as I speak. My dad may have left me about 45 but I am not certain. Any info would be great. He makes well over 100,000.00 but has taken out loans against my will. Why did I stay? Because I thought I would go to hell and I feel he made me feel worthless. He truly made me feel everything has been my fault.

    1. In most states spouses have a duty to support each other. If he is not supporting you, you need to seek legal advice right away. If you decide to divorce, then it is likely that he will owe you support. And you are entitled to spousal benefits under Social Security. As for your marriage, it sounds as though the two of you need to sit down with a counselor, and I hope that you are getting therapy as well so you can put your past into your past and move on.

  74. I have been married for sixteen years to a man who has refused to work and lives off his families money. Our houe is in his mothers name, all our bills are paid by her as well and we are given a monthy allowance. The cars are in his dads development company name for tax purposes.

    My husband is a Narcissist and Bipolar who refuses medication and our relationship has been at a breaking point for some time. I have stayed because he constantly tells me what a fool I am for wanting to leave a ‘great’ situation.

    I don’t want to live this way and dream of leaving constantly. I am discouraged from working because my in-laws need me to take them to dr’s appointments so what am I to do? Do I have any rights for support since my in-laws have been providing for everything?

  75. My name is Honey and I am from one of the Caribbean islands. I just need some advice and support.
    My husband and I have been married for 4 years now with two girls (3&2)Our marriaget has been on the verge of a break up about two years now and it has reached a point where I am tired of quarreling and fighting anymore. I just can’t do it.
    My husband and I met while studying in University and apparently he didn’t grow up and still wishes to carry himself as a bachelor. He basically wants to live his life his way and I have no saying in his drinking and partying. If I mention about his behaviour he always claim that I don’t want him to have any freedom or space or I just cant see him happy.
    I quit My job when I was seven months pregnant to stay at home and take care of the home. I haven’t worked since. I have no money and no assets. We have a house which my husband inherited and its in his name alone and a vehicle.
    I recently asked my husband for a divorce and asked him to file. I am scared.I have no money and Since I moved from my country to my husband country millions of miles away, I literally have no one here.
    I don’t know what to doand I am afraid of him getting full custody of the children and I becoming homeless.
    I am still living in his house because I habeas nwhere to go and no money to rent.
    What should I?


  76. I am 42 yrs old. Married since 10/02. Contemplating divorce for several reasons. I am on disability. My husband works, has good work ethic but will only contribute to the bills what he feels he can give me. He has a garnishment on his wages because of repossession of a truck thst he purchased w/o my knowledge. It was actualyy his 2nd truck that he bought without my input. That other truck? Also repossessed. I get onepayment per month. He gets paid bi-weekly. He only pays 425 to go toward rent. All else, i have to pay out of my disability. This month he handed me only 360 and i had to cover the rest. So now we are short on the electric bill and water bill is behind. I know that we should be pooling our resources but he is not good with money at all. He was a drug addict for many years before i took our kids and left the state. He followed me to Wisconsin snd is clean. However, this addiction has morphed into another one. Buying vehicles. I became very ill in 2009 and between 12/09-8/12 i think he mustve bought and sold 10-15 cars and trucks. Ididnt find this out until after i had begun to recover from my illness. Now i feel that he thinks i owe him for the time i was sick and couldnt work. We have a grandson that is a godsend for my mental wellbeing but this last month we had no way of getting any food. Therefor, i dont get the baby cuz i cant feed him. Im hungry, my daughter who is pregnant is hungry but it seems like hes never hungry. When my money comes in and i buy groceries he hides things like cookies, peanut butter etc. He absolutely hates having our children over at a because they use our electricity and may eat. Selfish, selfish, selfish. And its so ugly. And his personal hygeine is horrible. I dont even want to sleep in the same bed with him. He smells so bad. I told him i didnt have enogh to pay the utility bill. He said, “well i guess we wont have lights fo a while.” Its making me resent on the verge of hst him. Any advice?

    1. Shannon,

      Sounds like you and your husband may need to try to get to the root cause of his behavior…smelling bad? Umh, collecting cars? Do you have enough of a relationship to convince to seek some advice about his compulsions? He may also be depressed. Is he sick? Can you work to help figure out ways and means to help him with his sickness? Try that first before you head to divorce court. Remember your vows…divorce often doesn’t solve underlying issues.

  77. I’ve been with my wife for 4 years, being married for 2 years of that. We just celebrated our 2 year anniversary last month and this month I find out that she’s been cheating on me with her drug dealer. She’s an amazing person, but I’ve had enough of the lies and deceit. She has a college degree, so she can support herself even though she quit her job two months ago without letting me know in advance. TWC has since denied her claim so she has no income other than buying and reselling prescriptions. I have it all in her writing of what she’s been doing and how it’s been going on because she keeps a journal for therapy…I smelled smoke, and found fire so I don’t feel bad at all. I couldn’t handle the lies anymore without her admitting it. She still hasn’t even after being confronted. I bought her a new car entirely in my name for Christmas last year and now I want to sell it before the divorce. Am I legally within my bounds to sell her only mode of transportation? I don’t want to, but she won’t be able to get approved to be put on the loan and I’m not paying for her car if we’re not together. We have an apartment and no kids, thank God and our savings account is non-existant since she quit her job. She even stole $500 last month to buy drugs with it by funneling it through our savings account and taking the ATM deposits in small increments so I wouldn’t get the text alert from the bank. I have a great career and insurance and everything is paid for entirely by me. She’s the love of my life and I hate to even be thinking this way, but I have to prepare myself both financially and emotionally.

    1. You’ll need to talk to an attorney about whether you are legally able to sell the car. If it is in your name and you haven’t filed for divorce, then I’m guessing that you could do it, but I can’t give legal advice.

  78. I’ve been married for eighteen years, I have a 26 year old son and 21 year old daughter. our homestead is in Tijuana , Baja California, I work in USA and my wife in Mexico as a school teacher. She wants to divorce me because she doesn’t love me anymore and we fighting all of the time, I always been the supporting father for everything, my house is fully paid. My wife never use her money to support the household is just for her.
    She wants the house, 50% of my bank retirement account and alimony for life.
    Can she get all of she want?

  79. Pingback: Dealing With the “D” Word | Julie Newcomb Financial Blog

  80. I was forced out of matrimonial home 2 yrs 6 months back. Since then my husband has failed to take care of me. Now I am in crisis. Is there any law in the Indian Govt that, the husband’s company can pay the wife directly from the husband’s salary (a part of it) for the wife’s maintenance?

  81. First off let me state that I am 26 and have been married 2 and a half years. Ok, here goes…My uncle got me a job doing carpentry work (building houses) and I was making amazing money. Then I got married to a childhood sweetheart who was in the Navy (stationed in Okinawa Japan) but was over here on vacation to come and see me. We’ve been on again/ off again with our relationship in the past, but he swore things would be different if we were married. So like a chump, I got married to him. I quit my job, threw all of my belongings into storage, and then flew half way across the world to be with him. For his part, he was supposed to set up a house on base so that I could work, do my shopping and have interaction with other Americans because my Japanese was nonexistent and plus it would have been free to live on base. Well, he surprised me with an apartment in the middle of the city with no Americans in sight. I took a cab to base and back one day to see how much it would cost (couldn’t rely on his transportation) and the cost was around $70.00 to and from the closest base! Not happening. Next I beat the pavement looking for anywhere that would hire an American girl for anything- I was ready to scrub toilets at this rate! Alas, no one would hire a girl who didn’t speak Japanese. So basically I was resigned to sitting on my butt and eating bon bons all day as they say haha. Our marriage was a wreck two weeks after I moved in. All form of intimacy stopped on his end, sexually and emotionally. He worked in a lab putting samples into wax, but claimed that it was his job that made him antisocial all of a sudden. Nothing I did worked, so after a year and a half of depression and realizing that my life was what a ghosts life must be like, I flew back to the states to be with my family. I’m normally a cheerful person, but by the time I got back to my parents- I was a zombie just waiting to rot. I’m lucky to have such a large family and a massive amount of friends- otherwise I don’t know what stupidness I would have done. Depression was definitely a new thing to me. I mean sure everybody gets sad, but I was at the point of wanting to play in traffic! Anyways fast forward a few months- I fly back to Japan with a new lease on life… just to have it squashed down again. We are finally back stateside, and now I barely have $50 to my name. I don’t know how much money is in the account, and personally don’t care. I wanted to get my old job back, but there aren’t any positions available. So I’m broke as a joke and have no idea how much a divorce will cost. He says that he will contest it if I don’t jump through a few hoops for him. I will do the jumping if need be, but after that- I just want a cut and dry divorce. The only thing that I do want, is the college stipon that he put in my name that the military gave to him. He already completed all of his courses and everything that he needed- so he had it just sitting there and decided to put it in my name. I don’t care if I have to pay him or the government for investing in a future job, but I need something. I love building things, but I don’t have any certifications and Noone besides my old boss (who moved to Florida) would ever consider hiring a petite girl to do a “mans” job without at least some form of college degree. So do I keep the college stipon from the military (which he is no longer in) after the divorce? Should I enroll into a college right now to keep it? Please advise

  82. I have been married for 18 years and I have such mixed emotions. At times, I hate my husband and others I think, “am I being unreasobale.” I sometimes think that divorce is “bad” and only until recently, do I not see it that way! But as liberating for women. Also the thought of the divorce process is very daunting…. There is so much that goes into it and making sure the keeps feel safe and adjusted.

    So here is my story… My husband of 18 years has some very peculiar habits and they really effect my quality of life. He is crazy about energy efficiency and we can’t use the dryer, only hand dry cloths. He doesn’t like to turn lights on, so he wears a headlight really all day, every day unless he is in public. He has the most awful mood swings. One minute he is funny and light hearted and the next amazing depressed where he can barely move. Much of the time he yells, when he speaks. He is a pack-rat and our very big house is so crammed with his stuff that I can’t invite anyone to our house for shear embarrassment… It’s been going on 5 years in this state. I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture.

    I do have a decent job (better then his) and I should be able to support my four kids if we live modestly but I imagine he will be the most atrocious person if I were to live.

    Could someone please comment and let me know what you think of this? Thank you.

    1. Darlene,

      Did you marry you husband by agreeing to be by his side in sickness and in health, t hrough good times and bad. I would advise that you do not divorce your husband.

    2. I sympathize with your story. But before you consider divorce, is there any way possible that you can convince your husband to join you in counseling so you all can unpack these issues and work through them one at a time. He is your husband and probably doesn’t even realize how his behavior is destroying your marriage. He may require some sort of mental health counseling….possibly some sort of compulsive disorder perhaps…there are treatments modalities that can help him and your family.

      Take a deep breath, refocus your attention on how to help care for your husband, and see if you get any relief from that first. Divorce is horrible!

  83. My husband, was planning a place for him and his friends wife to live, while he was working on financially ruining our business and taking all our clients, but I found out before it all came together,he moved out, he already had a place he was paying for her to live in. He bought a house 6 months after moving out, we have no separation agreement, I pay for all the mortgage, property taxes, all the existing joint bills we had, college for our kids, basically everything, and he has not paid for any of it for almost 4 years. Now his girlfriend has left, and he is paying support to her. Our divorce, support, child support has not even started yet. My lawyer and the judge recommended this stay out of the court because of all of his accounts and the CRA getting involved, but he refused to go to mediation so now we have to go to court,

  84. My brother was married to the most selfish,lazy,foul mouth human i have ever seen. She fought with eveyone, sit at home on FB and make foul comments and start fights. Degraded him in front of his kids, told him he needed to get a second job to support his family. He was married to her for 19 years and he finally left her she told him she will not stop until he is broke and uses his Son as a pawn and tells thier son everything. She has been cheating on him for years and calls his current girlfriend a home wrecking whore. And this was way after the fact ….He pays the mortgage payment and gave her 1700 dollars yet she thinks he should pay her more money to pay the other bills. I agree that SOME women including my ex sister in law are Diseased Parasite, and a deceitful human being that dont deserve a damn thing.

  85. I’ve been divorced for almost 3 years and have my 2 kids 78% of the time and pay for everything, their dad has them 22% of the time and doesn’t contribute anything other than the court ordered child support. He was paying child support and providing health insurance for both children but has recently lost his job and has filed for a modification of child support and also wants to claim one of the children as a dependent on his taxes. I’ve already filed taxes for 2013 and claimed both children, he hasn’t filed and I’m assuming he hasn’t since he owes. What are the chances of the court actually granting him the deduction on his taxes? According to the IRS in order for you to claim a child as a deduction they have to be living with you for more than 6 months of the year and you have provide 50% or more of their support.

    1. I don’t know the laws in your state, but I’m guessing the chances of the court retroactively giving him the exemption for the children is zero, since courts deal with future support, not past support, so I don’t think that 2013 will be an issue. If the court orders that he can claim the exemption and that you sign the form needed for him to do so, then that will supercede the IRS rules.

      1. He lives with his parents and I’m sure he will be taking full advantage of his unemployment benefits for the whole year. Neither of his parents work. Would claiming one of the children even benefit him on his taxes since his income will be drastically lower than what it was? And if his parents aren’t working and he lives with them can’t he claim one of them as a dependent?

  86. I am preparing for divorce and I cannot find a full-time job. A lawyer I consulted with told me to get a full-time job with benefits before I go through this process. Every other person I have asked for advice about this situation has said to go into the divorce process WITHOUT a job so that I will get more alimony. I’m aware that he could take me to court later to reduce his alimony payments once I do obtain full-time employment.

    Any thoughts?

    1. If you need income, get a job. If you can’t find a job, then you can’t follow your attorney’s advice, so you’ll need to go through divorce without one. But keep looking, because I’ll bet you’ll need the income. It’s almost impossible to support two households on only one income that barely covered the expenses of only one household before.

  87. So, my husband drinks a lot. Two bottles a night. He is not the same man I married. We have two kids, and he has two from another marriage. I want to leave but I really don’t think it is financially possible. I make $45k/year, but have retirement/insurance all through my work. I have $140 k in student loans, but I work for a nonprofit / school so they will be forgiven in 9 more years. I am paying $810/month in daycare. We NEVER had joint accounts. Some of my student loans were taken out while we were married. The house is in his name. I moved in when he had owned it less than 1 year. By the time I pay my loan and daycare, I have less than $1,000. My dad’s house is literally falling apart and in a horrible school district. What can I do? I am so scared of not making it financially…. So much so that I feel like I can’t leave.

    1. If he have income from any source, then he will owe you child support and possibly alimony as well. Gather together your financial records (tax returns and W-2s and paystubs) and see an attorney immediately to find out how much support you are entitled to. Having that information will make it easier for you to make a logical decision.

  88. I just noticed you’re a CPA and I’m sorry for taking advantage of that but I can’t afford to go see one on my own to ask this/these guestion(s).

    I am currently divorcing in a community property state after 21 years of marriage. I’m expecting spousal maintenance, but I don’t know how much as the STBE and his attorney keep getting continuances on a temp orders hearing (for four months now).

    My STBE was/is the sole income to the household as I became disabled with a diagnosis of Rheumatoid Arthritis several years ago.

    Part of the assets are:

    1. a 401(k) that began during our marriage w/monthly contributions from not just him but a 100% match from employer.
    2. A pension plan through same employer that he’s fully vested in (completely earned during marriage)
    3. Military retirement, and, no, I don’t fall under the 10/10/10, but we were married for six of the 17 years he was active.
    4. Monthly income in excess of $6000/month.

    I already know I’m getting at least half of the 401(k) under a QDRO. My attorney suggested asking for the entire 401(k) if I don’t go after his military retirement. There’s currently about $55,000 in this but the STBE and attorney are refusing to turn over any statements related to it. (But there’s a full-day hearing set on the 27th of this month, so I’m sure the judge will be curious to know just “why” they’ve not done this, or anything else for that matter)

    I suggested asking a buyout of his vested pension – using an actuarial table and a statement from them that showed at time of separation, the monthly benefit would be $691/month if he retired at age 65. The amount I offered as buyout was $45,000 – cash. He would have to borrow the money to pay me this from his father or take an advance on his inheritance. He doesn’t have this kind of money laying around. He is 53, I am 49.

    I am planning on buying a house in my hometown that is $27,000. This means for me, of course, no mortgage and no rent. Just a monthly set-aside to pay quarterly taxes on alimony, the annual property taxes and homeowner’s insurance. The house DOES need work – the kitchen and bathroom need to be re-done and the roof is looking as though it might be worse for wear, but is currently in shape as it keeps the rain out. For now.

    As part of the divorce, we filed Ch. 7 to get out from under the mortgage, which was app. $25,000 underwater. We never even discussed a short sale because I didn’t want to go through the hassle (I’m still in the house and packing boxes, etc. It’s a mess. And due to STBE’s aversion to maintenance, waiting until something was falling on top of us to fix it, the house needs more work than I can afford to make it sale-able at a top price.

    My question(s) is/are:

    Based on these factors, with the buyout of the pension not being a sure thing, while at least half of the 401(k) is, what is my best/smartest option to pay for this house AND be able to get the work done to make the kitchen and bathroom livable again?

    If I could count on the buyout of the pension, I would use those funds to buy the house and do the repairs it needs. But I can’t count on that, even were he to agree to it, because the only way he could do it w/o borrowing the full amount, is to make payments. The STBE has a history (from his first marriage) of not paying his financial obligations, which is why I’m glad my state automatically does wage assignment for spousal maintenance.

    Again, I apologize for this long post. If I could have afforded to go see a financial adviser, I’d have done so. As it is, I’m nearly out of the money I’d hidden before kicking him out and filing (he’s abusive, mentally ill, etc. I knew he’d cut me off from the money the moment he was served and he didn’t disappoint me).

    1. If you don’t get the buyout funds, you’ll have to figure out how to finance the house, or delay the purchase. I suggest that you talk to a mortgage broker to see what’s possible. As for the fixup expenses, without the buyout you won’t have the funds for that, so if you have to buy soon, it is best to buy a home that is already livable.

      1. With us filing the BK7, I’m just not sure a mortgage is in the near future, though I’m already working on rebuilding my credit. And my score didn’t really go as low as I thought it would, so… As much as I’d hate to do it, I may choose to cash out the 401(k) as a Plan B, if I don’t get some kind of cash settlement related to the pension.

        My attorney is pushing for 100% of the 401(k) in lieu of the pension he’d have to buy me out of.

        I do have a friend who is in the VP of the mortgage division of the bank he’s at. He and I already talked and he said while it’s not completely impossible, it’s not probable. However, I didn’t discuss a down payment, not knowing what my settlement would be. And the house is already so low, I’m not sure I’d even want a mortgage, thus causing me to have a mortgage payment.

      2. And so sorry for the double reply…

        I should have said – the house is currently livable – it just needs the kitchen and bathroom redone. I can use both rooms, I just want to bring them to the present day vs. their current condition of the 1950’s. For instance, I want a gas stove, but the only hook up is electric. Since I’d need to buy a stove anyway, I’d want the gas line put in right away. That kind of stuff.

  89. Pingback: Untying the Knot: Making Financial Sense of Divorce | Women and Money Matters

  90. Been married for 18 years. My husband has PTSD and chronic depession due to a gun wound shot to the head. He has bullet fragments logded in his brain and has chronic migraines that effect his behavior each and every day. He will verbally lashes out at my son and I at any given moment. We have a long history of fighting an even police arrests. He is currently not able to work which leaves me stuck with all of the household bills. He has basically given up. We have a home together that I do not want to leave because of our son. He won’t go see a therapist or take medication. The bottom line is that I have to get out of this marriage. Need help in getting organized. I am employeed, making 80 grand a year. Please assist. Thanks!

  91. I need advise, I am planning ahead for a divorce… I am on my second marriage and it is headed for divorce. I work full time 5 days a week and he has not even tried to get a job for the past 4 years. We have no children together. I have an IRA from before we were married that has maybe doubled in growth since our marriage. His name has never been on this IRA account. I also have a 401K from the past 5 years while we were married, that I know he will get half of. He has not contributed to either of these funds. I feel I have worked to hard to pay the mortgage and all the household bills. He has stayed home and kept the house in order, nothing else. Is he entitled to half of my IRA Fund also? If so what can I do now to change it so he can not get any.

  92. You know you guys make men out to be so horrible. I’m sure there are a lot of jack ass losers out here, but here are just as many selfish, controlling, bitter women out there too. “He threatened to fight for the children”…you know they are how children also and he may not be using them as a tool, he maybe just doesn’t want to lose them. I can’t speak for every guy but my wife keeps talking about divorice cause she’s not happy. We have grown apart cause I work long odd hrs and my sleep schedule is all messed up so we don’t get to see each other much, causing disconnect. Also lack of affection has made it even less appealing to be around each other- however she wants to move back out to CA which is 6 states away and you know what, I’d fight for my son. Not to be a jack ass or to use him as some kind of leverage but because I love my son damn it. I don’t want to lose my son and I want to be a part of his life and I don’t want her to fill his head with a bunch of negative crap about me (and I know she will, she is so spiteful and says horrible things when she is angry) I would go to the end of the world for my little guy, and I can’t up and move to CA and give him the same financially stable life he has here…not all guys are fighting for the kids to escape child support..

  93. As “the soon to be ex-husband” I can honestly say most of it is your fault! What about me wasn’t “good enough” after 18 years of marriage? Did I always eat seconds of whatever that was you cooked that the dog wouldn’t eat? Didn’t I drive the kids to school every-single-day for years? Let’s not forget the dinner I cooked severaql nights a week because you didn’t feel like it or was “just too tired”. What about putting up with your crazy family? The smoking bigot mother-in-law that only came twice a year to see her grandkids, yet the kids had to act like she was thier BEST friend! Let’s not forget the “thousands” of times I had to perform Cunnilingus so you could have “multiples” and feel satisfied…. did you ever really care if I was sexually happy?

    Oh my, let’s not forget my birthday! Ever ask why I don’t care to celebrate it? Let see… maybe it was the time you set the cake on fire and blamed me (but I ate it anyway and acted thrilled) or the time I just asked for freakin’ fried chicken but instead I got bagged frozen ravioli becasue it was what the kids wanted. Let’s not forget the year I said all I wanted was to eat out and spend it with you and kids…. only to find out you “hired me friend” to take me fishing. Let’s see, I had to meet a some guy I barely knew to see a movie, spend a night in a hotel room with this guy drinking and running around the room in his “man panties” only to over sleep the next morning. By the time we got to the lake his wife was calling every 30 minutes to come home so she could go shop at garage-sales! Talk about fun!

    If any of you are like the woman my soon to be exwife turned about to be, please get some help before you sucker another sucker in marrying you. Do it for yourselves, then maybe your marriage will last and we won;t need blogs like this one to turn to.

    I know there has to be several women on here that have tried to be good wives, but sadly there are some of you (and you know who you are) that need help.

    1. Get some counseling to get over your anger because then you can have a better life and be a better dad. And if you date don’t tell them any of these thoughts you have above.

  94. I had a question about divorce in Ohio. I have been married for 15 years and have 4 children. We have lived in the same house since before we were married which is still in his mothers name and not either of ours. I’m worried where i will go when we start the process because I’m assuming since its not our house that i will be the one to have to leave. I have always been a stay at home mom raising our children while he goes to work. I want our children to live in the same area so they have their school and friends. My parents live in the same area. My question would be would I have any legal right to stay in the home that’s been my own even thought it was never in my name

      1. i do see that but neither me or my spouse is on the loan or title. It’s only in his moms name even though i’ve live here 15 years. She never transferred it to us. ugggg a total nightmare when forever collapses and you have no money.

    1. What family court judge would ever allow a mother with four children be put out of a home that the grandmother owns ? I can’t imagine they would.

  95. I could throug up. Totally sexistic the advice you give. All my marriage I felt like a paycheck to my exwife.
    The true reason for financial crash is that women feel entitled. This is the 21 century, men have changed
    live has changed. If you get into the mode – that somebody must take care of you of course when the – taking care periode ends – there standard of living drops. Do I feel sorry for women? NO

    I left the house because I was fearing for my live and savety. NOTHING protects a man from false alligations. Nothing. I was put before the question to see my children in forster care or no file domestic violance charges against my wife. Quote from the police officer: That you barrikaded in a room saved you from going to yail. Thus as we men are basically without any recourse against abusive spouces and your general mental state let me question what advise did you get when you grew up.

    I was 8 months homeless, saved by strangers of the street. I left the house, with 200 dollar in cash to survive till I got my next paycheck. I fully supported my wife and children from the first day. What did my wife, spiteful she used every credit card to put me down again – I had 100,000 dollar of consumer debt paying $2000 interest per month.

    10 month later my wife demande me to move for our daughter into school district. I did this – even I was slowly recovering from 100,000 everything is about your standard of living. I was working day and night.

    Until I got a judgement to support my spouse based on 80h/week working 51 weeks a year. What does my ex do, complaining about homework – which I am glad to do – because live is such a bear for you.

    I am glad to say that I rather raise my children as a single father – pay to never hear your voice or see your face – just to have my peace, because you are never happy or easy. As I said, somebody screwed you up, and when we start to fianlly be left alone and do our thing without bleeding just to see our children, of course we are better of. We are battle hardened and I never again feel sorry for you. You can’t afford the therapist to bear your live? GO WORK. You don’t feel satisfied with your status? GO WORK. You believe in a prince in shining armour, sorry I raise my son to be extra extra careful, don’t trust you and without IRONCLAD pre and post naptual agreement -NO DEAL.

    HERE is the advice for all sons and daughters. Don’t marry the contract stinks. If you feel love separate yourself form all property. Never marrie out of class or out of education. You will pay a prise.

    LET your wife work all the time. NEVER NEVER NEVER let her stay at home. Take a paycut father.
    Have two houses. One for her and one for you. If she can’t maintain hers- RUN!

    Custody Resolution signed with Birthcertificate. Never ever let anybody erode your rights. 50%.

    And now my advise for women WORK -SAVE – be prudent. That is why you have nothing, This fake excuse that your standard of living drops because of your bad bad ex … bullshit … you enjoyed something you never earned. And if you think we owe you that is the mindset that keeps you hostage.

      1. Just wondering, how much should a woman be paid for growing an entirely new organ in her body during pregnancy, the placenta, eating, breathing, and having her organs do the work for two per second, minute, hour, day, week, because, and only because, your sperm invaded her egg, invited or not. Done nothing? You know how tired you feel at the end of the day? Let me see: 24 hours day X 7 days per week X 40 plus weeks and that was just in hours…….$100,800.

    1. Hope your not telling this to your children, or involving them in your upset. Please use your frustrations, thoughts and feelings to make something positive of all this. Perhaps you could take your life’s lessons and teach your children to get an education and work at something productive, perhaps making the world a better place. Peace

    2. I can see your very bitter. It’s what happens after traumatic events and we wake up. It sounds like you and your wife started having problems from the beginning. Perhaps when we have recurrent problems that keep us in turmoil, its better to move on early on. I can tell you from experience that when we take on relationships, we bring our upbringing into it. We come into it with certain expectations based on what we did or did not get from our childhoods. By you trying to sway your child to think like a male who does not trust women, will not allow him to form his own opinion. You are guaranteeing his failure in a future life he may have with a woman. My spouse I believe had mistrust of women based on having a bad female role model, which abused alcohol and had relationships with men that showed a trashy side. Its hard enough for women to find men whose mothers did not raise them poorly causing them to have badly developed visions of women. When a boy cannot have his male role model demonstrate his own security around females, it is a recipe for disaster. Your words have proven why there are so many women seeking advice after being in traditional male/female relationships, and having them disintegrate into power struggles and abusive behavior. Men do not process the same as women, they do not reason the same and have more struggles with emotions and trust. It might sound like generalizations, but this is a topic that has been studied repeatedly, and the same conclusions reached. I would ask you to please reconsider your take away experience with your wife and realize that sometimes we are just paired with the wrong person. Encourage your children to be independent no matter what. Talk to them about the importance of choosing friends, jobs and decisions wisely, because there are do overs once they have made horrible mistkes regarding another person. A math answer can be erased and re written, but hurtful words or decisions that alter their life plan cannot. As much as your bitterness might want to show, do not let it among your children. They will grow up believing they were the product of that terrible mistake you call their Mom. You cannot control what your ex does, but you can control how you continue forward with this. No you cannot take back things you have said, but you can take conrol of your thoughts from here on out….You need to know, you are not hurting your wife, but your kids will bear the brunt of your actions. Please reconsider them

    3. Hello Mike, Could your please advise your mail ID and Contact details. Myself too facing the same problem. would like to take advise and want to to know how you dealt with the situation.


  96. I am tired of reading articles about divorce (or marriage, for that matter) clearly geared toward the household where the man works and the woman either doesn’t work, or doesn’t make as much money. Is this the 1950’s? More and more women are primary breadwinners now– in America, more than half. As a career woman with a stay-at-home husband, I have a very hard time finding articles and advice geared toward my situation.

    1. We certainly understand your point — but the norm in most households still that women make less than men, and so that is the reason many articles use that approach. You can sometimes just reverse the roles discussed in articles to make them relevant to your situation.

  97. But i will stay in appartment mortgage is on my name and i pay mortgage. I would like to know how and what to pay him if is. 50/50. If I have to pay him how and how much

  98. My husband left me one year agou. I am steal in apartment. We are both owners.We own mortgage to bank.146000$ now market price is about 120000$ What to do how to divide property bicause his lawer asking. 50/50. We do not have kids. Thank you for your experiance

    1. One of you will take the apartment and mortgage in the divorce. There is no equity value, so if neither of you wants to take on the liability for the mortgage, you’ll need to short sell it or give it back to the mortgage company.

  99. My husband of almost 11 years has decided he wants out. I have been a stay at home mom for the past 5 years because I could not find a job in our small university town. I am back in school pursuing another degree. We have two children in elementary school. He says he’s not living me out of the house we built 3 years ago. The one where I do all the landscaping, repairs, painting, decorating, cleaning and so on. So I can stay, but he’s moving on with other people. I feel like he wants it off the marriage, he should get out of the house. I have no job, I’m in school. We used my 401k as a down payment on the house. So I have no retirement of my own. Meanwhile, his grandmother set up a trust fund for him, probably more worth over 100k, he received an inheritance from his other grandmother 3 years ago that is worth about $125k, his current 401k is valued at about 100k also. He has a decent paying job(80k/yr). He willing to give me half of our cutter savings (14k) and I’ll get half of the proceeds..whenever.. he decided to sell the house. He is willing to pay my rent until I’m done with school. ..6 more months. After that I’m on my own. I feel like I’m getting screwed here. We are trying to do this without lawyers. If I get a lawyer, I will only strain the savings I would entitled to. Whereas he has his rich 91 yr old grandmother and very well off mom to turn to. My mom can barely make her own ends meet. Am I entitled to to a portion of his retirement? I understand I can’t touch his inheritance or the trust fund. If he’s unwilling to pay with some of his 401k, should I get a lawyer? I also think it’s unfair that he gets the house. I takes care of it and the kids. Don’t know what to do.

    1. You are probably entited to part of the retirement, part of the house, and support based on his income from his wages and earnings on his inheritance. Since your 401k was used for the down payment on the house, you may be able to get that money back as well. If you don’t know the laws, and you clearly don’t, how can you ask for what you are entitled under the law when you don’t even know what it is? Get a lawyer pronto.

    2. If husband put inheritance in joint accounts then half is wife’s. If he kept it separate then its all his. You need an atty to get what the CPA describes above.

      1. Skahn16 says that inheritance put into joint accounts is half wife’s, but that’s not true in all states, and may not be true anywhere. You’ll need to talk to someone in your area who is qualified to give legal advice on that issue.

  100. I wouldn’t dare ever marry a woman from USA or Canada. Half the woman are Golddiggers and the other half don’t appreciate how much a man puts into a relationship financially. Better to stay single and date the occasional woman.

    1. My advice to you is to never marry an American. You won’t like the rules and laws we have here should you have to divorce. Judges won’t like your attitude. So just don’t.

  101. hi anybody that can help me I am 32 year old woman with 3 kids and my husband is planning on filing for divorce I don’t have education or career I’ve worked very little I have only been married since June 6 2009 I live in Michigan everything is in my husband’s name I really need a lot of advice on what to do please help me thank you

  102. This is a great post on Financial Pitfalls of Divorce. I am a 60 year old female and have filed for divorce in PA after 32 years of marriage. The home is paid for and the assets are very good. The children are grown and though I have no attachment to the home and would like to move on… it financially advisable to stay in the house? I currently have no work (part time Interior Designer/economy driven down). Many friends say stay in house. I am torn and need to make a decision ASAP as first Domestic Relations Hearing on Monday, which will hopefully determine Pendente Lite Alimony. based on staying in house or moving to an apt.. Please advise.
    Thank you.

    1. Each situation is different, but if you don’t want to keep the house and would be happy in an apartment and moving on, leaving the home and capturing the equity in it will give you funds that you will be able to use for other purposes.

  103. I supported hubby for 1 1/2 years of medical school (he had no income) and he has now been in residency making half of what I do. We have been using his resident salary to pay off his med school loans ($150,000 paid down). During this time he has only made approximately $100,000. He now tells me he wants a divorce. Can I get reimbursed for paying his loans because it is obvious that I supported him while paid off his loans. Interestingly enough I still have loans of my own.


    1. I’d bet you can go after his future earnings as you helped him through med school. This issue goes way back when docs would marry during med school and divorce right after the wife paid for school or supported him (used to be almost all male doctors, remember?!). Now if you marry during med school the divorcing spouse can get a part of future earnings esp because you invested in him. Please be sure to check out the rulings and laws but you have a pretty great chance of doing well with this as it is not a new issue. And don’t give up. My ex wouldn’t marry me during med sch because of this and also the divorce stats are much higher. We got married at the end of internship and are divorcing after 29 years because he likes the pretty nurses. He said they make eyes at him. Best to you,

  104. Wendy in Mississippi

    I have been married for 34 years and 4 months ago my husband tells me that he has been seeing someone else and they care deeply for one another. I attempted to save the marriage by offering to do what ever it took and the only thing he had to do was end it with the other woman. He said he couldn’t, so I said he had to go. One week later I hired an attorney to start divorce proceedings. We own a business together and it is in his name because in 2007 I had to file personal bankruptcy because of personal guarantees on equipment from a failing business. The business we now have was a spawn off of my other business which is based on my past employment as a graphic artist. During the past 6 years, we have relied on his income from working offshore to pay all the bills because the business could not support us totally. We have been exchanging counter offers back and forth because he doesn’t want to pay me anything other than the cost of the mortgage on the house and my attorney said that he should have to pay me some alimony too. In the divorce papers from his lawyer, he states that he will sign the house over to me but I must refinance it so that his name will not be on the mortgage any more which is fine with me. But here is my question, will I be able to do that since it has not been 7 years since I filed chapter 7 bankruptcy? I don’t want to lose my house – I grew up in this house. I don’t understand why I am being penalized for his infidelity. Can you help me with this?

  105. Thanks for this advice ladies… I use this info to divorce my wife, and i have a strong shot at getting custody of the kids since i am the primary care giver.. this is much more useful then the sites us Men use to help us out…

    1. Agreed. I went to all the women’s sites and used their strategies to get the house and custody of my kids while having her ordered to work and pay child and spousal support. Many of my male friends are discovering the benefit of the Internet.

  106. Pingback: Resources for Dealing with Finances During

  107. Back in Feb, my soon to be ex tolde he wanted a divorce. A week later he moved out with his current girlfriend has since knocked her up and greed has taken over. I’m the breadwinner, always have been. We have a wonderful 4 year old who is confused and scared.
    He earned his citizenship through our marriage. Married almost 8 years.
    The house was purchased with the help of my dad, who gave me the down payment and my brother who is a mortgage broker, and my mom and family who gave us funds to fit it up.
    Originally he said we could stay in the condo. As the market is on the rebound, the values of the house has increased substantially… And he is dragging his feet while he sits back with his new life and family as I pay all the bills. Two months ago he informed me he wants to sell, as he needs to pay his credit card bills! More important that he pay his bills than keep his child in her family home.
    I have given him several offers, his response was to send an appraiser to the house. As time goes by, I have slowly learned that I will have to let go of the house. It’s not worth clearing out my retirement to hold on to this property. I’m 10 years older than him and I can not rely on him to take care of her financially. Of course once the divorce is final he will no longer be my beneficiary, but I will move it all into her name and find a responsible family’s money to be her power of attorney.
    Since I live in a state where the value of the home is closer to the court date and not the date of separating, I got shafted by bad timing and luck.
    Is there anything I can do to ask the courts to keep the value of the home at the time of seperation?
    I have a lawyer, he finally got one.
    I live in a great area with great school, but will have to leave as I will not be able to afford to live here.
    Any advice?

  108. I have a question about diverce and Medical insurance. I was legally divorced in 2011 and my ex-husband was on my medical plan at work prior to the divorce. The divorces states that each person should obtain their own medical and I would continue my daughter on my medical. So once I received the divorce judgement I contacted my company and filed for a change of status. All of which I advised him I was doing through the duration of the long battle. He never filed for COBRA because he thought it was too much money and then he kept trying to use the medical card from when he was under my plan and obtained medical services with it. Now he is trying to sue me for those medical bills since I’m guessing the insurance company went after him for. Legally my company requires that a change of status is filed within 31 days of the event. So am I in any way responsible for his medical bills? BTW i also have a letter from him two days after the insurance was dropped stating he was aware that it was dropped, don’t know if this is relevant.

    1. You have a legal document, your divorce decree, that says that he should get his own medical. I’m not an attorney, but that seems pretty ironclad to me, that he’s responsible for his own insurance and medical expenses. You can consult your attorney to make sure this is correct.

  109. I live in NY. Have 3 children. My ex moved out to move in with his girlfriend, meanwhile he has been paying a weekly amount to cover basic child support plus percentage of additional expenses (private school, child care, travel sports etc) however recently after learning that since i wasn’t obtaining his signature on our mutual amicable agreement we tried to make, I filed petitions in court to get things moving. he reduced this payment to the basic child support (29%) and Im having a hard time getting additional $ from him for these other expenses. he makes about 3-4 times more than I do, i currently still live with children (he has limited visitation with them) in our co-owned home with a huge mortgage payment. is he obligated to pay this extra $$ for the additional s? Also, how hard is it to obtain sol legal custody? I have always been the primary care giver and decision maker but am afraid he will fight me. Thank you!

  110. I’m for NY, I was married 18. I walked out of my marriage 6yrs ago that would 24yrs married. we dont have a separation papers. I have had 3 order of protection on those 24yrs being married to him. i have 2 boys, 14 and 20, they are both Special education kids. one in high school and the other in college..

    until when can my college boy b taken care by his father?? and what are my rights as a wife?? what do i get??.. I put him thru school?.. I put my school on hold, and after i left him, I couldnt go and better myself because they asked me for his financials and he wouldnt help me.

    I’m very independent person, I supported him and made him to the men his now. Just didnt know all my life he was bi-sexual, until one day i got in the home computer and started looking at things and saw his profile on craiglist to sleep with girls.. and tranbest…

    I just couldnt anymore.. so I just walked with both my boys. after a year and half, he called me and cursed me and told me he will make me look in shame..

    he has told many things to his family. but never cared. they dont pay my rent i tell myself..

    but every time i called the cops he will go to jail.

    can someone help me??

  111. Everybody, please help!
    My story is long but I try to cut it short. I am divorced and still living in the condo we both own. This one used to be a rental property it is under our names. Now, he is pushing me either buy his half or he will let the court make auction out of it. I am worried that I will loose this home, which is my only place to live. Will it happen like he said. I am living in Pitt County, North Carolina. Any info is highly appreciative.
    Thank you,

  112. Hi, im an Australian citizen married in France. I have a beautiful little boy (nearly 2 years old) and i have no idea what to do or how to leave my husband with full custody of my son. My husband swears he wont let me leave with my little one and i stay because i wont go without him. We are miserable and im stuck here. My husband always tells me i am stupid, even though im not, we fight all the time and we dont talk about anything else other than our son. My son was born in France so i know we have to stick to their laws. It sucks because i got myself into a situation that is difficult to get out of but i stay and suffer because i could never leave my son and my husband has made it clear that he will fight me for custody. My son keeps me here. It is sad really, i know he deserves better but there is not much more i can do. I have the strength but i dont have the support. I cant risk losing my son.

    1. Please go see an attorney to find out what your rights are — I’m betting that your husband’s threats re custody are empty, and that there’s a way that you can sever the marital ties while retaining a custodial relationship with your son.

  113. Hello Ginita,

    A year ago my wife mentioned wanting a divorce because she felt that I was ‘sucking the life out of her’ by being lazy and selfish, which is mostly true. I have since changed things and am going to therapy.

    In the interim she attended a bachelorette party with her girlfriends in Las Vegas and had a brief fling, which I found out about and have already forgiven her.

    She says she is staying with me for the kids, but I really don’t know if that is true, and if she’s just looking to stray again.

    We are both 36 years old, have assets of about $1.5million and each make about $130,000 per year, so money is not the issue. Recently she has been meeting with a trust lawyer to set up a trust for her father, since her mother has been in a nursing home since having a stroke last November.

    How do I know if she is actually not just setting up a trust to keep all of the assets and leave me high and dry? Also we have two young children, one 3 years old and one 2 1/2 months old.

    I’ve never been physically abusive but have had issues with giving her privacy and have read her email and chat history on several occasions, and that is part of the problem.



    1. In most states property is divided either equitably or equally. But her parents’ money isn’t included in the division, and it sounds as though she is setting up a trust for their assets. You can check with an attorney in your state to see whether she can put your assets into her parents’ trust, and if so, what you can do to prevent that.

  114. Wife has cheated repeatedly, we have three kids. She started her last affair when our youngest was just 2 months old. She lies to me constantly and constantly gets payday loans at 600% interest!!! She is ruining us financially and me or a personal level. She always somehow finds a way to blame me for her behavior and doesn’t take ownership of her own actions and life…..What should I do??

  115. State of Virginia: Just curious since my husband abandoned the marital home, the marriage, our infant son, all while knowing that he was the bread winner and I was stay at home housewife for the 5 years we were together, almost 4 of them married. I do not have a degree to fall back on, and need to go back to college in order to support myself and my son. My husband has had NO contact with us, not even asking how his 9 month old son is. Not a word. I am seeking temporary spousal support for medical co-payments, and basic needs up until the divorce. Is this normal in a situation like this? My attorney believes that I am entitled to some sort of support because of the nature of the abandonment, lifestyle maintained during the marriage and having to move back in with my parents who they themselves are having a hard time supporting us. The cost of putting our son in day care is ridiculous at this time because of his age- 350 a week, and my husband refuses to pay half. We are in the separation stage. I am afraid to file for anything yet until I have residency in my parents state, so I will have full physical custody. This is not a “normal,” divorce as it is an abusive , physically, emotionally, verbally towards myself and an infant. I stayed until he left because of the constant threats against me. What are you opinions on temporary spousal support while going to college?

  116. Chicago – The buyer of my home in Chicago is going through a divorce. She is also on the payroll of her husband’s business and provided the bank with income verfication of this, as well as income doucmentation from two other jobs she has. As I understand it, she was approved for the loan and at the last minute the underwriter wants to know if she has any “interest” in her husband’s busines. The husband’s business license from the State of Illinois shows he is the “sole propriertor. ” Will that document suffice for the bank and why does the bank want this information? The buyer’s divorce attorney is telling her not to comply with the bank’s request because it will interfere with her divorce settlement. The closing on my house has been delayed twice. Do you think this deal will close?

  117. My abusive husband of 30 yrs just awarded the house from the divorce decree. but my name is still in the mortgage. do i still have any right to the house. ? please let me know .
    sincerely Mary

    1. notta need a hubby

      Dower rights yes you do. If they didn’t complete it appropriately, you still have rights to the house. Your name does mean something if they didn’t remove it and it depends on what state your in. If someone gets hurt, they will come after you to sue, so I would stake your claim or get it off.

  118. Pingback: How to Prepare for Divorce as a Stay at Home Spouse | Divorce Lawyers Illinois | Lombard Arlington Heights

    1. Yes, my lifestyle as I knew it changed. I was just as broke at first, but my lifestyle improved considerably just not having to deal with having a substance abuser doing his level best to undermine every attempt I made to get on top of our finances and get some security in our lives. The peace of mind alone was a huge improvement.

      1. We are not alone…we only are made to feel we are!
        Your worth it! You were too strong, you gave too much.
        Find your strength and yourself now.
        For we are Women,
        We have the strenth to help another up and not even think of ourselves.
        That is where we go wrong.
        Our greatest strength, leaves us open and becomes our greatest weakness.

  119. My sister in law has been divorced for almost ten years. She was awarded the house in the divorce decree, but when she pays her mortgage, her husbands name still appears on it alongside hers. She is wanting to move out of the house because the bills are more than she can afford. She doesn’t want to sell the home, and her ex husband has agreed to move in and take over as a renter. This is a red flag in my mind. Can she lose the house to her husband if he takes over the payments while living in it?

    1. She should call the county assessor’s office and find out who owns the house. It is possible that it was never put into her name, in which case she should get that done immediately, since she was awarded ownership of the house.

      Unless she refinanced the home to get her husband’s name off the mortgage, he is still on the hook for the loan. But as long as she owns the house, that isn’t a problem for her.

  120. I’m not able to support myself due to health issues that disability wouldn’t recognize. I am house bound due to the chronic fatigue. I couldn’t perform a stay at home job if one landed in my lap. Due to this, I am stuck. I wonder how many others are stuck like me with an illness that can’t be seen nor treated enough to be functional?

    1. I am in the same boat. Have Heavy Metal Poisoning and Cavitation infection from a root canal that turned systemic. Conventional medicine does not recognize any of this at all…they do not treat this kind of thing. Healing from this often takes years and funds for chelating, etc. In the meantime it is debilitating. I am stuck between a rock and hard place regarding my husband who does not want to help me, but cannot leave because have no where to go and no income besides again, can BARELY function. My husband has already served me papers and keeps trying to throw me out. I also have two children, one who is 10 and I do not trust my husband in raising him….he is not a good person. I am so scared…do not know what to do and cannot even get to a lawyer or pay for anything.

      1. Unless you are capable of researching the law and representing yourself, and you clearly are not, you need legal help fast, to get alimony and child support and settle child custody issues. The welfare of your family is on the line.

  121. Married for more than 16 years, want a divorce a liar husband, I tried many times to forgive him but he keep hiding the truth, now he is unemployed and collecting his unemployment. He wants to leave the house to me and kids, he doesn’t have no saving, no 401 k nothing. I just cant afford to pay a lawyer, what can I do? feel so confused

  122. Pingback: Mother/Superhero » Blog Archive It might not be smart to rely on your husband's income » Mother/Superhero

  123. Washington state. Married 22 years. Amicable talks so far. His hot button is for me not to ask for half of his pension. He agrees to pay for all day to day costs for 16y/o. We each pay half on extras for 16y/o. He has offered lump sum of equity in home, approx. 90k. Should I accept and not look back? Friends say i should fight for half of homes worth and 30% of pension. Home value is approx 280k and pension statements show a monthly retirement income of approx. $4000. We are I finally getting along, I just want to move on but don’t want to work forever! We part with no other debt than the mortgage. No savings to split.

      1. Similar story except we are gay. 30 year marriage but California (forget the Fed and DOMA) only recognizes it from the year we were “permitted” to register as domestic partners. Which is like 12 years. So pension being the hot issue, she benefits from the Jim Crow treatment. And doesn’t care. We fortunately were able to split assets but I want part of that pensions as I moved from the east coast to CA to be with her from the start to the finish of that job. I feel like taking this to the Supreme Court. Aren’t there any online support groups anymore? Just “You need to consult an attorney familiar with the laws of your state. Each state is different,…”

  124. Hello, I NEED HELP! We got divorce on December. We have two children together. He cheated and I stupidly forgive him because he said that that relationship was nothing to him. We have being living together but I just realize a couple of hours ago that everything was a lie! I saw a few emails between him and the other woman. He says that he works at night, but I believe that he lives with his lover and lies to her telling her that he is at work during the day, which reality is, he is at home with us all this time. So that being said, I don’t think he works at all, I believe that his mother has being supporting us all this time. I really need financial help. I have a part time job and I also go to college. He has threaten me many times before saying that the judge will give him full custody because I have no money! And that if I go see I lawyer he would make my life hell! I obviously have no money to pay a lawyer so I’m VERY scared of what’s going to happen with my children and I. He left to “work” last night and haven’t returned. We rent and he has kick me out the house before because, according to him, he pays full rent to the apartment is his. I don’t know what to do! If I leave with my children right know he might call the police on me. I HAVE NO MONEY, I HAVE A LOT OF BILLS TO PAY, I DON’T KNOW WHERE TO START AND I DON’T WANT MY CHILDREN TO SEE ME CRYING ANYMORE. PLEASE HELP, I NEED TO LEAVE NOW!

      1. Hi my name is Misty Dixon I have been married for two and a half years to a Iraqi soldier it has been difficult I have not been perfect myself my husband has put numerous restraining orders on me for demestic but the abuse he causes me mentally is what drives me to do the things I do sometimes he just puts a restraining order on me so he can go gamble his money away and not take responsibility for even having a wife I do not work because of mental stress caused by this person so I depend on him for everything and that seems like that’s what he wants me to do Iam totally lost right now because he put a summons on me we went in front of a mediator and agreed we would go to counseling and he has not made one step to do that . With him putting so many restraining orders on me trying to control me through the system has ruined my background so all the schooling I had for a CNA is no good no one will hire me so what do I do ?

        1. Talk to an attorney to see what you can do to stop the restraining orders, if anything. Also talk about whether it is legal for employers to discriminate against you on the basis of those restraining order.

  125. This is my third failed marriage…I have two young daughters and no family to lean on. My husband wants a divorce and we were barely surviving financially, so I have no idea how im gonna start all over AGAIN. My girls are not his, so he can basically walk away. he plans on moving in with a friend, and that upsets me that he has little to no regard what is going to happen to me and my girls. we have been together almost five years, and he is the only Dad the girls know. they are barely almost 6 and 7, and their real dad walked out on them and refuses to see them. I have a pretty good job with very understanding bosses, so I don’t want to put my job in jeopardy, but daycare is so expensive and the summer is just starting. I even tried to swallow my pride and apply for public assistance and they same I make too much money, which is complete BS. the only way I can get help is if I was unemployed, and that makes no sense to me. I only need help with daycare expenses, im not asking for anything else. My parents live 300 miles away and are somewhat ailing. the only other family I have, are recently discovered relatives that live 600 miles away. I don’t have many good friends that are close to me that can help out either. Im stuck between a rock and a hard place, and I am sick of men making promises they cant keep. After three attempts at marriage, I think I know how to be a wife by now. and although I still make mistakes, I am still a human being. and life gets me stressed and I tend to focus most on my children. There is nothing anyone can do to help, but typing this help a little…it hurts, too…

    1. Go to your state’s homepage and apply for assistance; TANF, SSI, and other programs, to get the ball rolling. You can probably get a link card (in IL that’s food stamps), or the agency will set up an appt. for you to come in. If you make too much, bring in ALL your bills, utilities, prescriptions, medical out of pocket, checking acct statements whatever, to see what money is going out, and you may qualify due to household size. I was at first afraid to apply for help, but I REALLY REALLY NEEDED IT! So don’t let pride stand in the way of time

  126. My wife worked for years at a lucrative job until our son was born, then she stayed home for 4 years raising him and his brother. Instead of returning to her career, she then spent 5 years in graduate school getting another degree. That finished, then she went back and got a job in the field where she was before (unrelated to her new degree). 2 years later she filed for divorce. Her parents paid for tuition/books/etc. Can I get reimbursed for the living expenses, travel, etc. for the 5 years while she was a full time student and not contributing to the family income. This is in California.

    1. Talk to your attorney, but in general lost wages aren’t property that can be divided, since they don’t exist. And living expenses etc similarly aren’t property that exists and can be divided. But maybe this goes to the spousal support issue — your attorney can guide you.

  127. I have been married for 8 year. My husband and I have been together for 11 years. I am to the point that I do not like him at all. I love him, we made 3 wonderful children together. Currently (within last 3 months), he pays all the bills and is the only one working.
    But lately, within the last year, we have been drifting apart. I am depressed and have gained 25 pounds in just the last 2 months. Whenever we talk about anything other than a program we are watching together on tv or the news, he is disinterested answering nearly every question with “yea”, “ok”, or “ugh…” I have told him about himself but I get no response other than the ones I just said. Sex is a chore now, I feel like I have to do it to get extras around the house, even necessities that pertain to me. I am tired of it. There are men that ask me out sometimes but since I am married I decline. I feel like I am missing out on how I should be treated.
    I have not thought about a divorce because I don’t know where I would go or how I would be able to care for my children financially without his help.
    It seems like I will be married like some of these women who have commented, for 20 and 40 years miserable…

    1. Hi Jenna,

      We are living parallel lives minus the children. My husband and I have been together for almost 8 years and at the end of this week we will be married for 5. This last year has been so rough for me health wise and I spent a lot of time by myself…depressed, sick, etc and all the while…my husband would come home from work and not speak to me. I know it was hard for him because he felt there was nothing he could do, but at the same time…I was a alone all day…sick and scared and needing that affection. It gave me so much time to think about who I am and what I want. My husband has never tried to really get to know my family or gotten along with them. He has held onto grudges from arguments he has had with my sister and mother (from like 7 years ago). He hates going to functions and sits in a corner on his phone, ipad or ipod and doesn’t speak to anyone. A few months ago I told him that I was thinking about a divorce and he was shocked. I was very upset, he was upset but he refuses therapy as he spent years in therapy dealing with depression in his early 20’s before we met. After a few weeks..things improved a bit and I said I was not at that place anymore, but now I feel it again. We are basically like roomates who happen to sleep in the same bed (though we haven’t had sex in 3 years..he blames that on the fact that he has ED…it’s all mental, he is only 32). I told him years ago that I respect the fact that he is uncomfortable with sex on a regular basis, but that was when we were intimate all the time….nothing is nothing! We hardly even kiss!! He supports me totally financially and while I know I would be entitled to half of everything (including the house)…I worry about this. I still love him and care for him, but I don’t feel attracted to him anymore and I honestly don’t think I’m in love him anymore either. I keep thinking about how this will effect his family and I don’t want to hurt him…but I’m hurting myself in the process. My brother in law is ready to snap at him and my father who is laid back and has never said a bad word about my husband, spoke up to me about it this weekend when he (husband) refused to come to my parents to spend the day with my sister and her new baby. When my father spoke up…I knew this wasn’t me just imagining things and that it is as bad I as I think it is. I just don’t know where to go from here. It would be easy while he was at work to just pack up and leave, but that’s just wrong. I would never cheat on him either. I don’t want to be like some other women who stick it out for 20, 30, 40 years just to do something that I wanted to 5 years in. It’s all so scary! I hope for both our sakes, we are able to sort it out and move on with our lives. Best of luck to you and your family! I hope it all works out!!

    2. Hey Jenna, sorry you are having to deal with marriage troubles. I am divorced and it wasn’t easy to go through. Now would be a great time to consider long-term career and financial plans. Also, it might be worth it to put whatever work you can into the marriage before seriously considering divorce (even if it means going to counseling, etc.) given the cost and emotional upheaval of a divorce. Some couples can work things out and are glad they hung in there through the tough moments in their marriage.

  128. I did not support my husband during his PhD education although we did live together. My husband has requested a divorce and has been staying at friends’ homes for the past few weeks. This request was a few weeks after he had an affair with a 21 year old girl. I have given up my job to move cross country with him, and I am now living in an extremely rural, low-income area with a high unemployment rate.

    I am searching for work, but my chances of receiving medical benefits are extremely limited. This will become a problem because I am on very expensive medication that I cannot afford without insurance (I am currently on his insurance through his job). We purchased his car by selling mine, and we were both employed and paid the car off together. I have a new car with extremely high payments that he has offered to take over for me for the duration of the loan. I do not have that in writing, so I sent an email to him last night asking him for clarification on our financial discussions to that we are on the same page. I realize an email isn’t the same thing as a hardcopy.

    My husband will be returning to live at our house because it is not currently in a condition for sale (lots of little problems, wallpaper that is peeling off walls, broken windows, chipped paint outdoors, nasty lawn, etc. that will take us a month or two to repair). Friends have suggested that I contact an attorney, but I am currently unemployed. I contacted legal aid, and I cannot speak with them until I have been served papers. We don’t have kids, but we have been together 13 years (married). I recently left my job for him because he said that he wanted me home with him. My boss told me that if I quit, I will not have the option of returning.

    I am scared. I don’t want a divorce but realize I have no choice but to go along with it. He can divorce me whether I want it or not, but I’d prefer that we have an amicable divorce with as little lawyer-intervention as possible. Are there any suggestions on things I should cover since I can’t afford a lawyer (and don’t want this to become a nasty fight)? Too many of my friends want me to seek alimony, but I’d rather just hand over the car payment and find work and attempt to pay for the rest of my needs (which should be difficult because the very economically depressed area I live in, I will be lucky to get a $10/hour job, even with my excellent resume and strong background in a field of work that doesn’t exist here.

    We also deferred our taxes due to the difficulties in our relationship. I have handed our accountant all of my documentation (including deductibles, etc.) – he keeps putting her off with any of us. The accountant discovered that I am having the proper amount of taxes pulled from my income but he is not. He also has a consulting job and has not been putting aside any money for taxes from that job. If we file jointly, my state taxes will cover most of what is federally owed. If we file separately, once my federal is paid off, my state taxes will leave me $1000 ahead of the time while he will be $1500 behind. I don’t want to screw him over during this process, but I’m financially strapped.

    Ok, this is too long. I know that the response will be that I need to seek legal assistance that I can’t afford, but it’s worth a try.

  129. Hi Ms. Wall,
    I have been married less than a year and I am quite sure my husband and I will be getting a divorce, though I don’t know if he or I will do the filing. I know he will want to protect all his assets, and I have none. I literally have a few small pieces of jewelry, but I quit my job to move across the country when we got married and haven’t been able to find work since. He has been freelancing and supporting us the entire time. We don’t have any joint-accounts, my name is not on the house he bought, and he has done some stock investing since we married but I have no access to any of the information, and I’m sure my name is on none of it. I spent the little bit of savings I had on our wedding, the move and household goods within the first month of our marriage.

    There has been abusive behavior, though I don’t know how this is proven or if it is necessary to bring up so long as a satisfactory settlement is reached. I have been to 4 therapists, one was a couple’s counselor that my husband also talked to. She refused us as clients based on the “emotional volatility” of our relationship and she didn’t want to be liable, and she also said she would be required to report the abuse, which she did not want to do. So I suppose she could contest, but that would require paying her for it, involving lawyers etc. I have no money and really don’t want a drawn out court case, I would prefer to settle but want the settlement to be fair. I was thinking of asking for a lump sum (are there tax repercussions?) to be reimbursed the savings I used up, including cashing out on a mutual fund because I had run out of money and my husband didn’t want to set up a joint account, to pay for my moving expenses and to pay off the credit card debt I’ve incurred. Will I be short changing myself this way? Is it fair or less than fair? And if my husband refuses any or all of this, what should I do to protect and assert my rights?

    Thank you in advance for your advice.

    1. You can’t find a job ? The entire year ? Waiting table’s , Wal-Mart , home depot , gas stations ,target ? I’m sure you could have at least bagged groceries 3/4 days a week while applying for other jobs ? Maybe work at a 24/7 hour gas station 11pm to 8am and apply for jobs during the day

  130. Bridget Bevis

    My husband is in a nursing home/mental facility. He threatened to slit my throat in 08/2011 and ended up in a nursing home. He did many terrible things there and had to be transferred to a nursing home that also had the ability to deal with patients with mental problems. He has Parkinson’s disease and other mental problems. I took care of him 24 hours a day for the previous 9 years before he went into the nursing home. We have been married for 19 years now. He gets social security disability and retirement. I cannot work because I am now disabled and cannot get social security because I have not worked for the past 9 years due to taking care of him and the new law regarding this. He now says that he does not love me anymore. He also has a life insurance policy that I am the sole beneficiary of. If we get a divorce, what should I ask for? Also I do not have health insurance and have many medical bills.

  131. American women in particular deserve nothing more than their asses they arrived with. The narcissistic and passive aggressive behaviors are ultra apparent these days….Bitching and complaining about their husbands as they cheat and lie to him. You women don’t deserve nearly as much as you think you do. American women have the worst reputation in the world and there is a reason why. Ugly, demanding, perfidious and rude. YOU are the downfall of Western civilization. Only the women and state sponsored thieving organizations benefit from the institution of divorce. The men and children lose. Wanna know what’s wrong with our society? Go look in the mirror! I hope all of you choke on the ill gotten gains that you steal from your husbands and children.

    1. You sound like a bitter ex-husband who was not American born. Deal with your own American ex-wife and don’t downgrade all American women since there is no way that you have met all of us. American women are some of the best women. Sorry you got a bad apple, but to me, you sound like you are bitching and complaining about your ex-wife while labeling her “American Women” GROW UP please!

      1. Thank you for this advise. Thinking about divorce but not working. You are bless with your knowledge and wise decisions. Thankfully I could learn from others how to go about this that I’m afraid to confront..

    2. Hey T Tucker… you are a dumb foreign loser! If you don’t like America then get the hell out and go back where you came from.

      I came to this country (America) from somewhere else too and I can say for a fact that American women do NOT have the worst reputation in the world… not even a bad reputation. And in fact American women have the best reputation in the world. The only thing that American women can be “blame” for being is too trusting and accepting of foreign idiots and losers like you.

      As for “ugly”… are you serious??? American women are one of the most beautiful women in the world.

      You are a typical pathetic foreign moron that labels everybody in a country, that gave him opportunities that his own pathetic little country wouldn’t, the same.

      So T Tucker get the hell out of America and go back to the shitty country you came from. You don’t deserve to be here. GO HOME LOSER!

    3. Wow!!
      Lol or should I cry for you?
      We want respect, not divorce!!( most of us anyhow)
      Men seem to be weak last few decades, any amount of stress and they behave, think and act like cowards, having all priorities mixed up. Kids come first! Stability, takes more than child support to maintain the life style YOUR precious children are accustomed to!! Divorce is devastating! Men who divorce gain financial monthly income! Denial and anger will never find you happiness!
      Some men can’t stand the fact that yes, women are smart, sometimes smarter 8), confident, multi-tasker, nurturer, kind, respectful, loyal, unselfish and we can and will do fine if not better without a bitter, critical, crabby ungrateful ass!

      1. The children DON’T come first!! Everybody says, “What about the children?” and “The kids should come first”!!
        Divorce isn’t “about the children”. It never has been and it never will be. Divorce is about the power, control, and torture of destroying a marriage. How do men or women gain financially when you have a Court system (I.E. “THE STATE”) that condones lawyers, judges, and “law guardians” dragging out the process?
        Your priorities should be your FAITH, your SPOUSE, your CHILDREN, and finally the STATE.
        If you are a woman (or a man who has started a divorce proceeding) and you allow your lawyer and the “law guardian” to hold you and your children hostage because you want to divorce your spouse then you are doing your children a great disservice. If you file for divorce then all you care about is yourself. How pitiful!!

        1. Maybe Not in your marrage but the children do come first in MOST. Sometimes divorce is whats best for the children as well. Ask any child that has been molested by relatives.

        2. Yehudit Ben Yishai

          I agree Olive. Children are a by-product of marriage. I also agree, that divorce may be better for the children, and sometimes it isn’t. However, it is up to both parents to make sure the child does not develop an unhealthy emotional state when divorce is involved. I know sometimes, one parent is doing everything, and the other is doing their best to destroy all whom are involved. This is selfish.

          If the marriage is already bad, then one can expect that it is going to be a dysfunctional situation. The children may lose in this situation, but the spouses lose as well. It is a sad situation all the way round, and the reality of today’s marriages.

          I wish we could go back to the days, when marriage was important. As Erma Bombeck says, “the grass is always greener over the septic tank”, because you can’t see all the crap from where you are standing, but many spouses think the grass is greener in other pasture, until they get there.

          When I finally met my ex-husband wife, before me, (I did not know about his other wives when I married him), I thought her to be the most kind and caring person I had ever met. I knew she was attractive, because I had seen pictures of her. So I asked myself, why can’t this man be happy. He has had four loving wives, but he can’t commit.
          We can’t allow people like this to destroy us, and the best advise I can give anyone, is to find out who your potential spouse is, before you commit. There are so many selfish people today, who are emotionally ill, and cannot love anyone but themselves. We need to know who they are, and get as far from them as possible.
          As Steven said, American women are too trusting, and there are men who are as well. Trust is important in a relationship, but we need to find out from the start if one can be trusted, and not automatically assume they can be, because they sound credible.

          1. This!

            “I know sometimes, one parent is doing everything, and the other is doing their best to destroy all whom are involved.”

            This has been my experience. And this also..

            “We can’t allow people like this to destroy us, and the best advise I can give anyone, is to find out who your potential spouse is, before you commit. There are so many selfish people today, who are emotionally ill, and cannot love anyone but themselves. We need to know who they are, and get as far from them as possible.”

            This is really the only kind-of-rational explanation I can come up with to describe our relationship.

            Whats weird is I still want to help her in some way but I know I really need to make a divorce happen somehow because my wife just cant be trusted.

        3. Our society has had a double standard for over a generation now. Apparently it is ok for the female to use children as legal hostages and leverage for financial gain due to the current legal system that defaults to the female, but it is not ok for the man?

          A little history of experience, have two sisters. Each has been married four times. My younger one is six years younger than my older sister, but grew up with different expectations. Especially when it came to divorce. Each of her divorces (initiated by her, and not saying that all of them were not warranted), she pushed financially as far as the law would allow…plus some. And…she gloated about it. My other sister…when she decided to divorce, she cut them loose…without pursuing any financial gain. Also, children were involved. My older sister would just buckle down and get another job…the other…she would rake her ex over the barrel as often as she could.

          The court sides with the younger sister almost all the time and even though our family objects, she says that it is ok to do that because the law allows it. Those kids were used as pawns in the court against her ex’s…even years later.

          Women who want out should not be able to leach off the soon to be ex…especially retirement funds as they are invested as individuals and not as couples. My one sister some how latches on to the ex’s…she will get partial pensions from two of them when she retires and half of the 401 k of another…

    4. I’m sorry that you got hurt by your ex-wife, I know betrayal is difficult. I can relate because of similar behavior from my ex-husband.

      1. Oh trust me I no the feeling I am still married waiting to get divorced ! And after 19 years of marriage I get told by a police detective that they have my husband in custody for stealing from his UPS job for two years and he has also been sleeping around with three well known prostatuits. And is looking at 15 years in jail 🙁 well we have two children together and he has not even botherd to come see them he decide to go live with his girlfriend and didn’t hear anything from him he comes back to the house and cleans it all out tv ,couches,excrisize equ all the kids motorcycles there beds there tv and sells everything 🙁 never got a dime now I am forced to live with my mom and dad until this gets done I went from a 4000 sq foot home to one bedroom he has not offered on dime to help us he knows I am on disability from a car accident and I am unable to work 🙁 he has really done a lot of damage to me and th kids they do not want to see him I have never felt so lost in. My whole dam life I want my old life back I just hope to god the judge listinens to me 🙁 I am afraid I am going to be dumped and I will be forced to go on well fare :((((((((((((((((

    5. Ya really what the hell r u talking about, women are great. how do you think the population continues onward. once we get a child or children we are even more wonderful. you are bitter and i’m glad i don’t think so hatefully like you do. i’ve been married 15 years and we have a lot of assets but the worst thing is my soon to be xhubbie said he will fight me for the children. he will not win, i will not shed another tear and i will keep my children who are wonderful… shit changes and sometimes a marriage grows apart. be mature.

    6. That’s all good and fine T Tucker, except I am the one who started our business, I am the one who grew it and overall I worked just as hard if not harder and made more money than he ever did! So kiss my American a$$. I am entitled to every single dime.

    7. T. Tucker You wouldn’t happen to be my son-in-law who is a drunk and drug user, and spends all the money for this and his “entertainment?” Just curious.

      1. Oh, and by the way. My daughter works, but doesn’t make enough to support she and her 3 children. He does not contribute anything whatsoever for the family. My granddaughter has braces, but because this deadbeat dad decided he wanted a 22 yr. old blonde, he’s abandoning the family, so unless something can be done, they will need to take her braces off. I could tell you some horror stories about this so-called man, but I’ll keep it because either you are like him, or you ex. got too much in the settlement. If she did, she’s fortunate. My daughter is getting nothing!!!!!!!! 3 little girls, and she has to support them.

    8. Well no one owes you an explanation and maybe this is not appropriate, but I know in life, everyone has a different experience. I was an abused 15 yr old back in ’72, when there were not many options for getting help from an emotionally, verbally and sometimes physically abusive mother. I was a poor girl, who had not many options. I met a boy, 16, my 9th gr year, he had a car. His mother was an alcoholic and sold it from her house, being illegal. He had the idea we could leave these homes and make one of our own. I saw him as my hero for 35 yrs, till I realized that he had a lot of his mothrs personality traits. But he made work his addiction, and then in the laast 8yrs, I learned so much more about who he really became when we grew up. So you see, mine is just one example, of what a life can change to, most often much sooner in a marriage then mine did. Whether we are in the USA or a very poor depleted country, we can find out the person we thought was our lifetime partner can make adjustments before we can see them. It happens to both men and women. In our country as in many others, women are the nurtures of children in home in most homes. So we somehow lose the opportunities some men get to have because they followed a traditional role. They went to work, wanting this arrangement, and then perhaps they met a new love interest or decided they no longer wanted tradition, and the task of dividing up your lives begins. In my case, as I look back, I was terribly insecure due to not having parents interested in my education. Inever believed I could count money well, and was afraid to work with cash registers. Not having. graduated HS, I could not get any job other than service related, then I got pregnant and was very sick for 9 months. No one should feel like this is a cop out, as soon as I could, I did get my GED….But by then my husband was working 12hr days sometimes 7days a week…and I could not make enough for daycare….nor could I go to school (college), on a full time basis, so I started one class at a time…..then my father got sick, and I had to share his weekly care with a sister….my abusive mother would do nothing for him….she used her job to get out of resonsibility….I had to take breaks in school because all I could get was nightime classes from 7 to 10 pm…and sometimes they did not offer the class I needed at that hour, so I waited till they did….I. finally did get a 2yr degree, my father was gone, my kids growing up, I thought it was my time to live, work and have some independence, but that was short lived when I had to leave my full time job at 46 just after 4 yrs…..I loved that job…I did not make a lot of money but thought I had some independence…..I gave my checks to my husband to pay bills even though he was making 4times what I was…..after 12 years I am just now getting some help for the painful problem I left work for, but my husband has checked out emotionally, found questionable things on his computer and his obsessive lying causes me to wonder if I will ever be able to be a senior with a home or even food…..these are the worries of women like me….we do not want to own luxury, just be able to live until we die……please understand how life can put roadblocks in our way, even in a super power country like the .U.S…….I know that I was not as brave or smart like many women on here…but our stories are all important…

    9. Yehudit Ben Yishai

      T. Tucker, you have described my ex husband. My ex-husband was “literally” a narcissist in the full professional definition of the word, but I’m not going to label every man a narcissist.
      You sir, are very disrespectful to women, and to yourself.
      “I was a good wife, always trying to please my husband. Everything was about him, never about me, not that I asked for anything, but it would have been kind, if I had been on the top of his list, somewhere”.

      You need to pray, and ask God to forgive you, you are harboring a lot of resentment, bitterness, and you are unforgiving. We are not responsible for what another does to us, but we are responsible for how we respond to it. Your own words are indication your are no better than the person you described.
      If we don’t learn from our experiences, and take a better path, then we will find ourselves back in the situation eventually.

      I will not allow my ex-husbands character to dictate who I am. I was not responsible for his infidelities and deceptions, I was responsible for who I was, I was a faithful, loving wife, who wanted a godly marriage, but ended up with a demon. First, we need to look at who we are, and be the best spouse we can be, if our mate does not follow, at least we do not have to answer to God for our disobedience, but the unfaithful spouse will, whether it be a woman or a man. God is no respecter of persons.

    10. Wow Wow Wow Buddy I think You may be talking about the very diffcult person you are. When a spouse bruises you and points a gun at your forehead and leaves for another women just because its all about self. I think you better rethink what you said.

    11. Are you serious, how many affairs are acceptable to you? How many times does it take for a man to hit verbally abuse belittle threaten to have you baker acted for not accepting what he is doing? I assume you were taken to the cleaners by your divorce..good job you deserve what you got!

    12. You are pathetic. Most women take care of their children, take care of their family, take care of their friends and take care of domestic pets. If this is pathetic, so be it. Now answer this: what does a man, or rather be, a husband take care of: in good cases the bills, in bad nothing, in good cases his children, in bad no contact or as little as possible, in good cases security for his family, in bad, F/U, who cares. Now look at most women: they take care of everyone but themselves. Guess the man has figured that out, that’s why it is so easy to treat them like sh.t. I am trying to make it go with my husband, I am not the person who has to tell him or insinuate what he should or should not do. I am trying to be myself without controlling him and am waiting to see if he notices that I love him. However, I will no longer ignore my own needs.

    13. I guess you’d have to be a real dumb ass to marry one of us then.
      But thanks for sharing the word of the day. (Perfidious-deceitful and untrustworthy) I’m going to try to use that word as many times that I can today……Thanksgiving is going to be a little awkward tho.


  132. Darlene Salzlein

    I have been married to a man for 43 yrs. who I gradually fell out of love with. e was verbally abusive for many years and cheated on me so many times, don’t know why I stayed so many years. Recently I fell in love (unintentionally) to a great man and want to divorce my husband. My husband is in a nursing home with Parkisons and I have told him how I feel.
    Can I divorce my husband without his consent? We only have a house together. It wouldn’t benefit him to get the house because he is on Medicaid which pays for his health care at the nursing home. I just don’t know where to start.
    Can you give me a suggestion as to what to do.
    Thanks, Darlene

        1. Dear Darlene,
          Similar situation. Lawyers haven’t been helpful. It’s a major problem. Did you find a solution and lawyer (please point) that could fix this? Thank you

      1. Darlene,

        Please watch out for this “wonderful guy” you found. He knows you have a house, a pension from your husband and you will probably get the home. My girlfriend met Mr. WONDERFUL too. He talked her into mortgaging her home to set him up in business. His business failed, and she died penniless on her aunt’s couch. Hate to say it, but there are more snakes than bunnies in the grass. Wanna see how fast he turns from bunnie to a snake? Count the days on a calendar til he asks you for money. Don’t give it to him and watch the horns come out.

        1. K. Adalenia Matelonis

          I don’t think I could ever trust a man after going through such a heart wrenching time with his motives. I mean NO disrespect, but just my opinion I would wait and see if he sticks around if you say not now, it could be rebound, attention you have been missing, face it Women have a need for love and to be needed, and loved back the same way. First impression, be wary of this man…for awhile and see what becomes of it. Remember in Sickness and Health, In good times and bad. I took those vows very seriously. I would talk to you pastor, minister, priest or a counselor before you make ANY decisions. I tend to wonder what type of man would take advantage of a woman in your position? Not a good one I feel.

  133. My husband of 19 years told me he wants to be a woman and us bi curious and can’t guarantee he won’t go for the surgery while married and desire to be with a man. All thus time I was told that he was just a lesbian stuck in a mans body. I tolerated his crossed dressing as long as it was done away from me in private. Even message boards were ok as I wanted him to be able to talk to others and have support. Well it’s not enough now. He said its only not having the money to do this or else he would. When we are out in debt a three years that could be his plan. We have one teenager. I been crying all day and he stays away from me. Told me that he can’t promise not to do that one day… I said you promised to be my husband 19 years ago fir life. He said sorry but things changed. I have no idea what to do… I am so hurt and I have my child to consider too

    1. I had to reach out to you, cause I am going thru the same thing!
      Married for 20 years, 2 kids, house…
      My husband does the cross dressing and did it 2 other times during our marriage, but he tried to stop after those 2 times. Finally after about 12 years of being mentally and verbally abusive, he started cross dressing again, cause he couldn’t hold it in anymore. Now I find out that he is also bi curious and looking for a man! I believe he is also looking to make the change. I want a divorce and he says he will stop everything if I stay…..NO WAY……3 periods of time that he cross dressed and he can stop…HA! Who is he kidding. Get out as soon as you can, it may be tough, but you will be better off mentally!!
      Also, your child may find out someday if they don’t already know.
      Good luck!

      1. K. Adalenia Matelonis

        Oh I understand My Husband was 25 Years USCG, stationed mainly in ships gone for tours of 6 months to months with only men, never had a serious relationship until me when he was 40, no kids, no past baggage……until I found a box filled with ‘excuse the phrase’ my literally vomiting from what I found. And during our 15 yr marriage I did not know until 2 years ago, He still denies it, but I found him in ed with his friend in our hoe after he thought I fell asleep and I tip-toed down stairs and peeked in the room, how I got back upstairs after seeing what I saw without him knowing I saw what I saw was the work of God. Thank God I have recorded calls and I cloned his phone before he left and he has no idea. My heart goes out to you, we do not deserve this I pray you will come out on top of things. Always remember God always knows, and always do the next right thing……try and take the high road like I am trying to do during this traumatic time. We need each other right now in our life for support.

    2. I am so sorry. I have almost 19 years and I found out that my husband had been having affairs and I found sex pills come in his name and I knew that he was still, I take care of my kids while he is never home now we are going to divorce. I know how hard that is for you. I am really hope that you eventually can find a peace of mind. He told me that he has been seeing other people for almost two years.

    1. You can take as much time as you need. If you are in the process of getting a degree or certificate when you separate, the courts will usually order support based on you going to school rather than working. If not, then map out your proposed course of education so that the court can see what you are intending and ascertain that it is reasonable. That way, you might be able to avoid having the court impute income to you while you are going to school.

  134. Married for almost 18 years, two young children (7 & just turned 2) . I am ashamed to admit that I was completely clueless about finances and let him take care of everything. I don’t even know where to begin. Divorce was his idea, and I believe he was thinking about it for some time before telling me. We are trying to do this collaboratively, and do not want to spend money or time or mental anguish to have a long drawn out fight. However, I am somewhat uncomfortable with what he is proposing. He is offering me full physical custody, house and all assets within ($80,000 paid off, mortgage payment of $770/mo) savings account (only abt $10,000) and he will carry kids on insurance. In exchange he does not want to pay any child support, he keeps the investments totalling at least $40,000. This scares me, however he is threatening that if I push for support, he will push to have 50/50 with kids & house. Number one priority to me is kids, followed by keeping them as stable as possible in the house.but I need to be able to afford them! I do make more $ than he does, but am only a teacher and will be challenged to make ends meet. I am not trying to be greedy or to punish him, but want to make sure I can take care of my children. I need help weighing what my best course of action should be

    1. Do not give up your right to child support. Can you get him to put in writing (like an email) his threats if you don’t agree to his offer? He’s using the kids and a custody judge might like to see that.

      What a louse. I am so sorry. Your kids deserve better than a dad who uses them as a pawn. I should know – three boys and an ex-donor who rarely pays and tried to get custody so he wouldn’t have to pay. Now he’s stuck without any legal custody at all because he acted like a spaz. Sucks for him.

      Either get a good lawyer – or educate yourself like mad. I did – went back to paralegal school to represent myself. Won my case (physical and legal custody plus child support). Educate yourself – online, anywhere!

      1. notta need a hubby

        I have one just like this, but he told my 11 year old to lie about him doing drugs. He caught him so he told him, “don’t tell mom” smoking marajuana) looser, but he did. The guy is manipulative abusive and just plane awful. He put on a big show, which he continues to do taking one to church, last minute when he knows I’m working going to public functions with the kids (like I’m not present). It’s exhausting.

        I think it is beyond abuse and when they do these things, they are hurting the kids mentally, but how do you prove it. He keeps saying your coo coo. I just want to pick the kids and I up and be gone. I’m exhausted and trying to figure out how to afford it. Its very sad in this country women can’t afford to leave this kind of horrible person.

    2. Albeit his offer seems suspicious, take your kids, your money and begin a new life somewhere else.
      I know I did with my kids and have absolutely no regrets. My situation was similar. Married 21 years, working part time earning $30K, when the Ex impregnated a co-worker. We divorced. Our kids at the time 9,13, and 15. My ex used our children as a weapon of choice post divorce, because he had a new family to support. He cut them off financially from everything they had known when we were married;private schools, music lessons etc… Housing debacle, combined with a recession I was forced to sell the family home and move six states away. When we moved, I was at $55K no child support, no alimony, and less than $45 from the short sale. Limited on money, no family or friends to help went through very difficult periods, always keeping focused on my family and learned to live modestly so I could pay for hockey, lacrosse, swimming, cello rental, and scouting fees. Seven years later, currently earn $70K, no alimony or child support EVER!!!!

      In 2010, bought a newly built 1800 sq ft town home where I live with the youngest. My sons figured it out-one son attends a military academy;all expenses paid. The second son is at an ivy league school in the mid-west on scholarship with ROTC, and youngest is in his final year of high school and following in the path of his brothers. We are absolutely fine and are a very close family. Boys often thank me for being a great Father and Mother, and tell me divorce was the best thing that happened to them. My advice-keep your children very close and focus on your future and theirs.You will look back at this time and thank the universe for the opportunity and challenge to grow. Dont’ be scared you are not alone, you have your kids. You will be fine.

      1. I am in my 70’s with a 78 year old husband, going through this mess. My strength is my children. It’s hard to hold to hold on to my sanity but I will get there. Thank you for your words of encouragement .
        Extremely scary.

        1. After 40 years of marriage, age 65 this coming December my husband filed for divorce 2.5 years ago and it is not over yet. He expected me to sign whatever he and his lawyer put before me but I obtained my own attorney [with money saved $10-20 at a time from the grocery store]. He has prolonged every move toward ending it, and having planned well in advance, has kept me from affording necessary care. HE LIVES JUST LIKE HE ALWAYS DID, MAYBE BETTER.

          2 years into it I was informed of his “love”. Actually, I do not care about their present day relationship but feel angry by all he has, and still does, get by with. The children side with him [because of money] and they are well educated. He believes everything during this 40 years all belong to him because I did not bring home a pay check and he never let me work in the business wanting me to be wife & mother. His taking care of everything has left me in an awful financial situation. I “receive” 1/2 of his salary which he decides, he has adjusted insurance benefits [he can pay $4000 deductible at beginning of year] and there has been no allowance for maintenance or repairs on anything. There are so many things he has tried to do to me personally, others would not believe it. Anyway, I am still “alive” to his dismay and need to have it ended and have no control to it.

          1. Wanda, I am so sorry to hear of your story. Although I am a little younger than you, not by much.
            I got completely screwed because I was a late life mother of a child with special needs (but he is good now). Ex remarried within 2 years and the Judge seemed to favor him, rather overtly in fact.
            Son is about to graduate from college with 2 BA’s but I am destitute, being evicted from my home (that I bought but had to pay him for). Although I put myself through college with great success and volunteered for 3 years, I never got a job. I was severely injured a few years ago which left me with disability. Your story is actually encouraging as at least you got something.
            Best wishes for you!

          2. Yes, what is it about 20 years? I pushed his butt up the corporate ladder, moving 16 times in total of 21 years of marriage, I’ve been on SSDI since 2004; my 2nd child is disabled, yet I raised both my children with everything I had! My father passed away, then narc ex asked for divorce, had me arrested for slapping him after he called me a swear word…..
            So I was made to look like the unstable one, and he had documented stuff from the prior two plus years… It all hit me like a ton of bricks. Court awarded him temporary custody, my mom was dying of cancer, moved into her loft; she and my sister filed OP’s because they didn’t think I’d move out (my ex would take out his deposit every time it went in our joint bank account. I finally found a three bedroom apartment, both kids, I believe, stayed down here, less than seven times. I let him have residential custody (the custody evaluator was going to recommend SOLE custody), so I could retain joint. Every time he can, whether it’s taking the prime vacation weeks, taking the kids to Disneyworld, etc, he screws me financially. My mother, supervisor, classmate, and friend all died in the past two years to now, and my sister had my mother name her sole beneficiary on all her cash assets.
            Our Governor made alimony into a formula effective 1/1/15, and I believe it can be applied to my case because in December I will lose $800 a month, and my alimony covers my rent only.
            Since it’s post divorce, and I haven’t “contributed” child support and I am the noncustodial parent, one atty felt the formula really wouldn’t be advantageous to me. Now, I’ve just closed on my mom’s house she quit-claimed to my sister and I prior to her death. Can he somehow, legally sue for college support, or would the $55k I may end up with I would have to use to settle my medical debt; I only have Medicare, am in collections, have bad credit having declared bankruptcy, and would be out of money and living out of my 2005 van. I am desperate. He took everything

          3. Wanda, this really pisses me off. Men (I’m sorry, it is some women too) that make these life changing decisions and then will change their mind later. A person cannot adjust to something like that when the decisions they made, like I said “Life changing, permanent decisions). It’s not fair. And also, they will be planning and thinking and figuring things out for months, where as the innocent other half will be going on with life like everything is ok and trying to be the best wife (or husband) and go on their happy way, clueless about what is going to happen. That crap makes me so mad!!!. If you feel you are unhappy, then tell your spouse and be a MAN (or a WOMAN) and be honest and upfront. But, of course the person that walks out is a coward anyway. I hate hearing these stories and unfortunately I dealt with one and am going through another. If you don’t love me anymore, then tell me to my face and let us sit down and come up with someway so that we both have something when it is over.

          4. I’m going through a very similar divorce. Married 30 years, 3 grown children. My only son works for his father and we haven’t spoken in over 1 year. He has 2 young girls who I haven’t seen.
            I’ve had 3 attorneys. The 1st I released after a Mediation I shouldn’t have, the 2nd announced her retirement after a few months & recommended my 3rd. She literally wiped me out. Now, I’m facing a Trial without a lawyer. Of course, he still has his.
            I’m now scrambling for some legal advice.
            Thankfully, I have 2 daughters & 2 grandsons who love me. I’ve learned to live with the pain of my son’s behavior & I have no love for his father anymore. I will get through this!

      2. Terri, I just wanted to thank you for posting your post. It is giving me more motivation to focus on what is most important, my son. I have so much resentment towards this man that I married ( married young, lasted 3.5 years.. he walked out, sold my dogs behind my back, and wont even tell me where he is living in order to get in touch with him God forbid there is an emergency with our 9 month old!.. absolutely NO communication) I found out that our home is going to auction in a few weeks, because he stopped paying the mortgage without telling me, he emptied out his retirement fund, and I have no proof of this except for tax returns from 2 years ago… I just have nothing to fight for, and I believe he lined it up this way. He is sending a monthly check for our son- 1/2 of what it should be. But since he isnt fighting for custody in any way shape or form, I am sticking to that blessing- I have my son, and just need to get out of this mess of a marriage. I worry constantly that my son will resent me for not giving him a “normal” family. So, glad to hear your boys are all doing well and see what a wonderful job you did!!!! I was a “kept woman,” for the marriage and the years dating prior, and now have to start from scratch. Which is intimidating, but I can do it 🙂 Again, thank you for posting.

        1. Kaitlin,
          I went through the same thing. Lost everything in my marriage, don’t receive any child support, but it’s best since I don’t hear from him. The one month in 6 years that he did pay child support, it was non stop questioning and judgement. However, he kicked US out….go figure!! We are starting from scratch, I’m back in school and working to get back on my feet. You can do this!! And you will see how much your child will appreciate it. I’m amazed how my now 9 year old notices everything I do to make his life better. I always worried about him lashing out, but god has definately sent me my angel. He is what has made me the woman I am today. Can’t imagine going through this without him. Good luck with everything and god bless!

          1. I was married for 6 years and paid for everything even though he made the same amount as me a month. I had just finished college when we got together but I had 3 children that were not his. I thought because they were my children the bills should all be mine and I never wanted him to throw it in my face that he supported my children. He was with me since my son was 3 months old and he told my girls to call him dad. I soon became okay with it because their dad wanted nothing to do with them. Even though I had an open door policy ( meaning anytime the dad wanted to see them he could because I wanted my kids to know I want the one to hurt them). When with my exhusband (husband at the time) he told me to promise to never take them (kids) out of his life because he loved them more than his own. I still paid all the bills. All because I was responsible for them. I did all the housework, yard work and all the sports stuff for the kids. I ran into a friend from his work and he said my husband was bragging about how he got to keep his money And how I did everything. This made me feel trampled on. So I began asking for at least 1/5 of the bills to be paid by him since that was his portion , he agreed but every month he would make me ask him for it. Then he would tell others that every time I needed some money he gave it to me(untrue because he only gave me his portion of the bills when I could get the nerve to ask). I was always honest with him so he knew I was saving money but only so we could buy a house. He always found something HE NEEDED so it took me 3 years to save 10,000 for a down payment. I had to pay his lawyer fees for him to fight in court for visitation. To save myself money I found a lawyer that would let me do the research and the attorney would use it in court correctly and that way I wasn’t paying for research time. I worked in Elections full-time, had 3 kids in sports and the club but i did all the transporting. I got no help. I had to have surgery And he informed me I was responsible for my own bills if I missed too much work so I went back after 4 days but I should have been home 6 weeks. When he went for surgery I had to come home and wipe his but on my breaks and help him during my lunch. I even used almost all my taxes for 6 years to pay off his 18,000 back pay debt for child support. When we went to court he was told by judge that he had to have insurance for his son… Guess who paid for all medical, dental, and life insurance ? me. I broke my arm riding motorcycles(one was a gift from family to me) and he wouldn’t even mow the lawn. I was getting exhausted and sick all the time. I would sleep in and he would call me lazy. And everyone We spoke he would tell me to shut up I had to tape the lever down and then tape my cast to it… Just to push the mower. I decided I wanted a divorce but he wouldn’t leave my house and he told me that if I gave him everything in my bank account he would leave. My dad died and he put me on a bus to travel down And identify his body. I forgot to tell u that this person I married was my best friend for 5 years before we got married and he was never like this before. I had quit my career because I was unable to take the stress any longer and I needed time to figure out how to get out of this marriage. We even went to counseling and the counselor just wanted me to hear what my husband had to say. Three weeks is all I could handle listening to the same stuff I heard at home. I had to quit to work on me. Get my confidence back. And quit my job ( I didn’t know what I was doing at that time because i was so depressed and didn’t know what to do). There is no law against this. He still didn’t leave ran up all my credit cards on living expenses and I needed out of this marriage. I finally decided to give him half of what was in my savings ($400 total so he got $200) and I took my $200 down to courts and filed for divorce and he used his portion to turn in his portion after I filled everything out to his liking. He took everything. Then called the kids once month and would visit and spend money on them that I no longer had. Debt collectors still calling today and the job I have I don’t even bring home enough to pay the bills and now they are garnishing my wages because of what he did to me. I am still paying for him even though I am divorced. I get nothing from anybody and I work to cover his debt. My kids haven’t been in sports since then and he is living really good off of the credit I built for him and I can’t even go to any dr without a co-pay because I can’t afford the bills and now their is also a judgement put against my house. I am screwed just because I thought it was just my responsibility for all those years. My advice… Is to protect yourselves because no one will protect u. And just because your divorced doesn’t mean it’s over.

      3. Terri, thanks for sharing your experience on this thread. I am encouraged that your divorce was a positive move in your life. Kids are not dumb and really do see everything. Very encouraging what you shared

      4. Thank you for this advise. Thinking about divorce but not working. You are bless with your knowledge and wise decisions. Thankfully I could learn from others how to go about this that I’m afraid to confront..

    3. Greetings Tiffany,

      Any financial offer from an ex spouse should be presented to your Attorney. Child support is for the welfare of your kids, and should never be negotiable, also it is the only financial bill that you can go to jail for not paying. Even if you still have feelings for your ex spouse and potentially could reconcile later, you have to stand up for yourself and your kids during this matter. This is not about vengeance at all, but survival. Half of everything is lawfully yours, and the kiddos’s! Agreeing to any terms without a 1,500. Attorney can only end in your demise. Get a good Attorney that does family court, you may can get your Attorney fees paid by your ex spouse, more specially since you have kids. Just remember, anything you get out of the divorce helps the kids !

    4. That’s a very generous offer, I think. I strongly disagree with the person who says he is a “louse” and is using children as pawns. In reality, he is making a very fair offer while trying to make it clear that you’re not getting a blank check. Unfortunately, many women in a divorce situation believe that they can fight very hard for maximum money without expecting the husband to fight hard in the area of custody, as if the two are totally unrelated. It’s a “dirty war over his money” and a “clean ethical discussion over ‘her’ kids.” If you are willing to accept a fair and equitable split of both money and custody (which is the only fair way) then you won’t have any problems.

      1. Lol I’m divorcing my husband who had gotten custody of his 2 yr old son. Bio mom never was in the pic, raised him till he was almost 17. We went to high school together. He has been married twice, had a girl with # 1, signed his rights away cause the second wife was prego. He did 8 yrs in marine Corp when that happened in Cali. Came home to Illinois, I offered my home to him and his ex wife’s child and his daughter by 2nd marriage for a year. The other 2 kids went back n he filed for divorce and custody of boy. I worked 11 yrs full time before this. 2 jobs at the same time for 9 months-killed me. After living in my house he wanted to leave and go in the guard. So basically we moved to Missouri by Oklahoma. He got $150,000 home and was only one working making bout $70,000 if that. New vehicles, 4-wheelers, maxed my card out. Low n behold he filed bankruptcy before moving in with me. Now in the middle of all this he denies that I need any alimony, help paying half lawyer fees and court cost. His son I raised was in diapers and is now working going to school, 2 degree black belt, paid off vehicle and it’s a stick. He doesn’t allow him to speak to me n took everything from me cause he knew people to help him move. My home was fully furnished and I don’t get a dime so far and says we have no marital assets. He could not have retired military if I wasn’t there to raise his child. My heart is torn. He always said u never have to worry I would never take the only mom he has ever had from me. No just my kid but the whole house full of shit. After 14 yrs. I’ve been living house to house with no money. So sad. And now he make $60,000 at his job cause he’s retired guard 11 yrs active. Wat do u all think of this. I never moved I got agoraphobia so bad. I looked for work n never got hired n gave up. I’m not a strong person. I have all kinds of mental problems now

          1. I’ve been married for 47 years and we are headed for devorce. He’s a shrewd character and for 47 years he was the primary bread winner after he got out of college that I gave up because I got pregnant. My parents let us live in their rental house for six years without paying them however it was a verbal agreement that we pay some of the lost income as he advanced in his career. That didn’t happen. Can I get some of that money in my divorce. They said they would rather me get the money.

          2. If you and he agree that your parents are owed money, then they should be paid before the assets are divided between the two of you. And then your parents can give that money to you, if they like. If you and he don’t agree that your parents have a legitimate claim to be paid, then your parents will have to take whatever steps they can to assert their claim legally. That might be submitting an affidavit or declaration, or even testifying in a hearing, if you have one.

    5. I’d take the offer if I were you. You got the house ( although you have to continue paying the remainder of the mortgage), the saving and the kids who probably won’t be entitled for child support soon as I believe they must be quite advanced in age. You are earning more than him too. He just wants a clean break and if he wants 50-50 share he’d be entitled to it. Overall he’d made a good offer and yes he seems like he’s uncaring as he’s found a new love but these things happen.

  135. I will soon receive a settlement from my ex.’s 401 K in the form of a QUDRO pull. I am a school teacher on a fixed income and have two kiddos still at home. I want to pay down my house payment, pay off my car, and all other debt so that my monthly income is not so challenged each month. I have been told by my tax guy that I need the 10% penalty set aside. I read here that it is not necessary. What are the facts? Also, what is this monthly pull from an IRA option? That would increase my monthly income and avoid the big taxes. Thank you for this service. I have learned so much I did not know.

    1. When you use a Qualified Domestic Relations Order to transfer funds from his 401(k) to an IRA in your name, you have the option of receiving some or all of the funds directly to you instead of going into the IRA. There’s no penalty if you receive the funds through a QDRO, but you will owe state and federal income taxes, which could reduce your payout by as much as 40%. And remember, anything that you take now won’t be there growing for your retirement later on.

      If you have funds in an IRA, you can begin taking regular payments from the IRA early, without penalty. You have to take regular amounts that would extinguish the account over your lifetime, and you have to take those payments until you are 59-1/2 (or ten years, whichever is greater). You’ll pay tax on the funds you draw each year, but no penalty. This is called annuitizing the payment under [IRC Section] 72(t). Again, be very careful, because taking those funds early means less when you retire, so think about the future as well as the present.

      1. I wanna say i didnt. Want to leave my house but my husband was getting abusive and hurting me emotionally that i had to move out i know i cant make it he earns double the salary i make we neen married 19 years and have a daufhter 15 i have no savings and cant afford a lawyer but i can borrow money he has a pension plan from his employment i am lost we own a house but its under water the house is worth 139000 and we owe the bank 296000 only his name is on the loan i am told alimony will be hard and for my daughter i will only get 656.00 a month can i get both child support and alimony if i moved out he was arrested for domesric violence he drinks what can i do to ensure i continue to live comfortably as I’m use to he always saw to it i had money to visit my children in ny now i wont be able to do I’m afraid and feeling alone

        1. You need to talk to an attorney to find out what portion of the pension you are entitled to and what support he would be required to pay you for child support and alimony. “I am told alimony will be hard”, you say, but if you didn’t hear that directly from your attorney it is bad advice.

        2. Don’t feel bad you know in your heart you did all your best as got your witness I tjoight I pull it it all of … ….I conceive before.I walked out from a different giy kelpt it husj from husband and thought I fool the judge but je touched my unborn seed before ruling was over boy torcher and sufferings on us and he learned as well

        3. HI
          I am in the same boat. I am a man. I got .52 cents in the bank. My wife is the loan holder. I am here at her mercy otherwise I would be homeless. I have to see relatives for gas money to go on interviews. Tomorrow I will go to the food pantryI have five this week; therefore, I pray for a job offer. I estimate i can get 25K of equity out of the home because we co-mingled assets to pay for her mortgage; thus that makes you and I owners too. The judge will figure out the spit of assets and cash.
          You can do the divorce proce, you list on the summons and the dissolution paperwork everything you need and then some. He will have to file an appearance and answer to what you want in the divorce. If they is any equity, assets, income, retirement fund, money equity in the home list it all, The judge no matter if you are man or woman. If it is all possible the judge will make it very fair and equitable. If either of you have no money to split I am afraid you are SOL and he is too. If you have a child you will get child support and if it is financially feasible he will pay some form of maintenance for a while until you get on your feet. It is only fair, I think if there is more to pay on the loan than what the house is worth you both can do a short sale or foreclose. Either way you both lose. Unless you want to keep the house. May be a buy out is possible, but I don’t know. I know we have $50K in equity; however we have a home equity loan of $20000.00. I am not sure if that makes our equity to split $15,000 each, For me to get it should would have to refinance, sell the home, or get her Home Equity line of credit increased. I don’t know what the judge will do he,re in Illinois. I may get $15K or more. You just don’t know… I am just to keep her until the divorce is final, keep the peace. Get a job and save for an apartment. I have no friends or family to be with. I you do, go to then to live and get support. I feel for women and men both. It doesn’t matter who caused what. It is a divorce and it is painful for both no matter what. The same strife, fears, needs, and emotions that need to be worked out and healed. Good luck

          1. I feel you on this one. My husband took out nearly $900,000 in debt for his own business endeavors in a community property state meaning half his debt is mine and we have been married less than a year. He makes bank but I am unable to work because I have a newborn. He won’t help with the responsibilities so I can get a job to take care of myself yet he makes than $40,000 a month and doesn’t even buy me food, shampoo or any of the necessities. I too am financially devastated by my spouse eating out if food banks because I can’t get daycare or help from him so I can work to take care of myself. I see receipts for $60-80 a meal for him or sometimes tables of 2-4 people while I stay at home and financially rot and eat from the food banks which I am thankful for. I am considering donating my plasma just to have my own money. After he maxed out his debt he now talks about divorce and his half is debt will be mine while he wines and dines on this controlled community debt. I am so frustrated!

          2. It’s only fair that a husband pays maintenance when the wife doesn’t want to work? Let me mention that my wife was arrested for domestic violence against me. She is verbally abusive and a narcissist. So she can stay with a friend for free and I pay her monthly while I work long hours and she physically and mentally abused me? Tell me how that’s fair.

          3. Many states take the ability of the supported spouse to work and what they might earn into account in setting support. Consult with an attorney to see about whether you can get your support payments reduced under the laws of your state.

        4. I have been separated from my husband for 10 years now and I want to know if I have any rights for financial help he is well off financially oh, he is not help me in any kind of way he told me that I came with nothing I leave with nothing and I didn’t leave off course. Because he changed a lot and brought my clothes to my mom’s house. They’re together for 10 years separated 10 years not legally separated. Do I have any rights to financial help thank you I appreciate any kind of advice.